To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

As the Mum of a teacher, I scoffed at this. Teachers work much longer hours than the school day lasts, and they do loads of prep work in the holidays. My DD used to start work at her school at 7am, and wouldn't leave until 630pm at night. Then she had prep to do at home. It was so utterly relentless. She now teaches abroad where her work/life balance is a lot better. If you haven't been a teacher or lived with one, you have no idea how hard the job is.

You won’t be the first to stay in a marriage that you’re not happy in, not by a long way.

Tbf, you’re not just staying for financial reasons, you’re staying because you don’t want the upheaval in your children’s lives and plenty of people do that too.

You should probably give him the chance to try and turn things around though. If it’s easier for you, write him a letter or an email. I find that I get very emotional when discussing life stuff like that, and writing it down means I can avoid getting mixed up/upset and can get the point across more clearly.

Hmmmm
I have.

I also work in professional services. Used to work in the City. Let me assure you that teaching is an absolute DODDLE compared to that.

I still think I'd consider leaving. Absolutely will not be easy but I think for the kids it would be the best thing -

• the kids are at a good age to do it. If you split now, they won't ever remember a time when you were together, when they lived in that house. They will adapt much better if they are smaller
• they will completely absorb you and your husbands relationship as a model for marriage and parenting. They are highly likely to end up in a very similar relationship
• they may resent you staying with someone who takes no interest in them and has no relationship with them - that's got to be damaging
• you're doing the job of a single parent anyway. You'll probably have less to do with one less adult in the house
• you will have more chance of meeting someone else and building a better future for yourself if you do this sooner rather than later

Appreciate its not black and white, and being on your own with a 2 and 5 year old wouldn't be easy, but I'd definitely investigate what child maintenance you'd get from him and what benefits and other help you may be entitled to if you didn't work full time (or only increases hours slightly). For example round me there are holiday club schemes for children of low income households with minimal / no contribution required which may mean you get a break in at least some of the holidays.

It does get easier, we have a few friends with reciprocal arrangements eg look after each others kids in the holidays for a few days for a break. Not easy with a 5 and 3 year old but they entertain themselves with minimal input as 8 and 6 year olds for example. They entertain themselves in the evenings and can clear up after themselves for some TV time etc. Can get up and get their own breakfasts etc.

You need to think of your life in its entirety, not just the years when your children are little. The longer you stay part-time, the less likely it is that your career will recover or your earnings reach full potential. Female poverty in old age is a real problem.

I would also say that if he allows the children to trash the house, he has to clear up the mess. You are not his skivvy.

But aren't City salaries a doddle in comparison wiht teachers' pay?

If you leave will he want to see the children? How will that work? Are you ok with them being with him on their own? If he can't control them and they might not be safe (I don't mean safe from him, just safe from his indolence?). Although you want a break despeartely now are you ok with missing some Christmases and birthdays if you split? With them having a step-mum? Whilst I am not defending your husband and I really feel for you - if you got on alright pre-kids just becareful what situation you move into next. And some men are usless with small kids but great with teenagers. You just never know.

He's not kind if he's selfish and lazy. Kind people usually think of others and have empathy.

OP - this is what I think you should do. It will get worse (he'll trash the house etc) but if you don't step in to save him he will eventually step up and learn through experience, just like you had to with the kids.

Not really sure why people are saying ‘if you leave’ when the whole point t of the thread is I’m not going to!

I could never say this to DH because it would be a sort of ‘ok and that’s my problem how’ response.

Have you never tried?
I would sit him down. Tell him you've lost all respect and you're now feeling resentment and things can't stay like this. See what happens with a frank conversation.

If he refuses to help whatsoever then you've married a tosser to be frank! I couldn't live my life married to a tosser who had so little respect for my needs and those of shared children.

Nothing will grind you down to a shred more effectively than a life spent with a man who is selfish and is happy to sit back and watch you do the lions share of the grunt work, so he doesn't have to.

You resent him now, have lost all respect for him, understandably. Over time this will turn into contempt. If your goal is your mental health and family stability, I would think twice about sticking tight in this arrangment.

If he is as kind as you say, why wouldn't he respond well to you telling him how you feel and explaining you need more equal division of family tasks as you're currently considering leaving if things remain as they are?

My career is non existent. I am too old and too ugly. That ship has sailed and I’m good with that. I have no inclination to seek promotion and no chance of being granted it if I did.

I agree. Also so many men will go along with the partner or wife’s desire to have children but they have absolutely no interest or intention of parenting the children when they arrive. I honestly don’t know what the answer is. Even being very careful who you have children with is no guarantee. It’s very depressing. I think it’s always been this way. However because a lot of women didn’t work outside the home in times past they just sucked up the fact that everything was left to them. Now they are expected to do all the childcare and housework etc and have a job. I bet OP’s husband will be expecting her to go into full time work as well when the children are older. I am sorry this is happening to you @nothingcancompare and wish you good luck whatever you decide to do. I was a single parent for many years. It was very hard but sometimes dealing with men and their rubbish is harder.

If you are not going to leave, just get on with it then!!! Your life seems quite easy and it will become easier as the children get older. Just accept the way your husband is, otherwise he might leave you!!!!

your life seems quite easy yeah peachy

Will there not be any sort of pressure on you to return to full-time work at that point?

No. It would be impossible for my to work full time and for the children to go to their current school.

He didn't want children did he? Poor kids.

OP for what it's worth I definitely think you should stay so you get a break in a year's time.

Also, would you consider putting the little one in nursery or childcare on your non-working day? Can you afford to? I think you should do that and tell DP it's necessary because you can't get all the housework done - then spend that day relaxing/doing hobbies/taking time for yourself. It sounds like your DP would more likely agree to the childcare than actually pull his weight.

Oh, and it's very normal where I live for working Dads to give Mums a lie in on a Saturday or Sunday morning, take the kids out to the park or toddler library.

My career is non existent. I am too old and too ugly. That ship has sailed and I’m good with that. I have no inclination to seek promotion and no chance of being granted it if I did.

You sound very unhappy and down. This is partly due to having a two year old. You are certainly not too old to refresh your career and once your kids are a couple of years older and both settled in school the options will look a bit less bleak!

How would you feel if you thought you were in a happy and kind marriage and then found out your husband had actually just been using you for money for years?

It's just a really shitty, shitty thing to do no matter how poorly he copes with the kids and how convenient it is to you.

Yes, it does sound very easy!!! Plenty of mothers have it a lot harder and just get on with it. You made a CHOICE to have children and by being with your husband, you are able to work part time.

OP, I know you said it won't work, but truly, for your sake, for your family's sake, sit him down and make him listen. Speak emphatically and firmly. "DH, you NEED to hear me. The balance of labour is completely unfair. It's affecting my physical health, my emotional health and my feelings for you." Currently, he's behaving this way because he thinks you'll never leave him. Make him realise that that is an option, and he may just sit up. And it may lead to a better family life.

I have heard of women doing the nuclear option: Going away for two weeks and completely leaving him to it. One phone call a day. You tell him you're doing it and give an end date.

I think marriage counselling can be useful for issues like these.

And yes, I think you should stay, and get those two days a week as a break. But it would benefit everyone if you sat Himself down and absolutely insisted that he listen to you. INSIST on change. If change or break up are his choices, he might surprise you.

Okay, you are clearly very down and thoroughly fed up. Stuck in a rut.

Would you consider getting some counselling? Maybe read some self improvement books or watch some ‘life positivity’ videos on YouTube?

What interests and hobbies do you have? Do you exercise at all?

You are so young - far too young to decide that nothing can be done and this is it. Where do you see yourself 20 years for now - what are your hopes and ambitions? What are your plans for the next 50 years?

I realise it can be difficult when you’re in the thick of it but most of us have been there at some point.