To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

What do you mean let’s him? He’s a grown man, she can’t make him do anything. He’s not a little boy you tell off

He only works!!! Yes, he works long hours and is probably exhausted by the time he gets home. He has the financial responsibility for his family.

The OP works part time so of course she should be doing the childcare and housework. She has the gift of time!!!!

In your shoes OP I would stay for now. Is there any way your younger one could go in childcare for an extra half day a week so you can have a break? I think it maybe doesn't help that you're a teacher as sometimes going to work felt like a bit of a break when DC were young, but I can't imagine that's the case with teaching.

Your husband does sound selfish but as you say he's not cruel and you get on ok I would stay for the reasons you mentioned. It will get easier the older they get. My youngest is 7 and it's literally a dream age. I've enjoyed ages 6-9 with all my DC. You may find your husband also improves when they get older. Not an excuse but some men don't really get the baby and toddler stage.

I hope things improve for you whatever you decide

I think things will change for the better once the kids are a bit older and you have some time to yourself.
Your DH won't take both kids together, at the moment but that will change when they get bigger.
It is hard dealing with 2 kids at the same time, I have 3 kids but it's just a case of your DH having to do it.
My Dh found it hard when our kids were 5 3 and newborn but it's a case of having to take them all together at some stage.
I found it hard too but there was no point me saying that to my DH as the kids can't mind themselves.
I think you are letting him away with too much.
My house was often in a mess when I would return home but still preferable than having to bring 3 kids to do grocery shopping or to the hairdresser while getting my hair cut.
We both tidied up when I got home.
Gradually he realised it's easier for himself to get organised, get them fed and off to bed

I hrtft but don't assume that he won't suddenly become cruel if/when you leave. Also don't assume that he won't go for 50:50 even if it works out more expensive for him. Some men prefer to get a childminder/nanny because they 'Won't pay you to look after your own children'. Often they become really callous and want to make you suffer even if that also makes their children suffer.

You don't need to decide now. I'd just wait until the DC start school and see how you feel then. Once you've properly decided you could give him an ultimatum. I imagine he will start putting pressure on you to get a job and once that happens your decision will be easy.

Well she can't change it now, so why say it? I never understand when people make this 'point'.

Also, irregardless is not a word.

Can't believe I'm saying this but I think you are right to stay tbh. If he isn't actually abusive against you and it works out better for you then why not. You may find a few years down the line that your children are more manageable, you get more free time and you're in a better position to leave, if that is what you want at that time.

In the meantime her husband might decide to leave.

I am beginning to think you just don't like the answers.
You make your bed and lie in it. If that means you're happy to keep feeling resentment then go for it! I do then wonder why you wrote this post?

Wish you well on your journey however that looks.

My friend and I buy each other books from charity shops for Christmas (plus other stuff) we bought some good holiday reads for about £1! Books in airports are a fortune. I don't think you did wrong at all.
I buy gifts off vinted for people all the time obvs from the brand new with tags section.
Had some bargain named stuff!!
Whoops wrong thread!

She has repeatedly said that she has little, if any, time to herself while her husband has loads. This is including evenings, weekends and holidays. You might not think sole charge of two small children and a house is hard work but OP finds it is.

At the moment, it is like he doesn’t exist. I take the kids to their hobbies at the weekend, or parties, or days out. Come back, cook dinner, he’s here but not here. It does get you down a bit.

Op is your dh violent? Will he hit you if you upset him? Does he shout and swear at you?

If the answer to above is no then what’s the worst that can happen if you start to regain some “ you” time? Okay the dc may play up and the house will be messy but you have to stand up to him.

I’ve gone on strike many times. I don’t make a big announcement I just stop doing what’s expected of me. However, you will need an enormous amount of resolve and self discipline not to step in. I remain silent about what I’m not doing but actions speak louder than words.

Start tomorrow by not doing Friday morning prep for him. It will be fine. Be nonchalant when he asks where something is “ I don’t know” is a good response. He’ll soon find it. Just do small little cut backs in chores and this weekend have a lie in. What’s the worst that can happen? He won’t tolerate a screaming child for long. Or just say you feel poorly and need a lie/busy reading something important for work etc but definitely start the weekend lie in habit. Obviously, if he’s a violent man who will hit you don’t do this but if all he does is sulk and moan then hey let him sulk and moan and crash and bang. Ignore him and play the long game. Smile inwardly every time he has to do something for his children - that’s a victory. Take all the small victories.

Good luck Op you sound really ground down.

Your current life sounds like a miserable existence. I couldn't stay married to a man I resented and had lost respect for. Why on earth do you think working full time would be too much for you? It's what most people do.

I expect that a good part of your current stress is down to living with your useless DH and that you would experience such relief to be free of him. A full time job would be a breeze in comparison to the grinding misery of daily resentment.

I think you'd probably have less work if you split up, as he probably creates mess and extra tasks.

Plus he'd have to pay child support.

The resentment of living with a full grown man who could share the burden but doesn't is probably the heaviest part of it all, mentally.

You're already doing everything - getting rid of him means all the extra work he adds to the household is gone, and it's a surprising amount. You can choose to prioritise tasks to suit yourself and do things like eat with the kids, less laundry, you don't have to think about his schedule or work around what he's doing. Probably cheaper food bills etc.

Your plan does hinge on him staying put. If you've basically checked out of the marriage, I'm assuming there is no intimacy, fun, other things that nourish a relationship? I wouldn't be so sure he wouldn't either end it (or find comfort elsewhere) - eventually. Wouldn't it be better to try counseling to get through to each other?

Women have been known to change their minds.... and your OP sounds as if you have been very seriously considering leaving even if you have tipped "against".

Have you never just blown up at him? I blow up at my DH and it helps for a while….

Do a diary for the last few weeks and show him in it where you get no time off. Start positive & acknowledge he is the main earner and needs downtime. But then go straight to how you get no downtime and ask him why he thinks it’s fair. Why is lying in bed two mornings in a row? Why not one each? Has he just not thought about it? Or if he has, what’s the logic?

You need to make a fuss and you need to be assertive. And you also need go leave the house. Of course he is capable of being with a 3 & 5 year old. And make it clear that he is excepted to clean as he goes.

Seriously OP. I left my marriage and am now faced with the prospect of working until I’m 70. I’m exhausted.
Leaving is not an easy ride.
Talk to him. Tell him what you need. There’s a lot of downsides to leaving. Least of all your children’s mental well being.

Well why not point out to him that there is literally no point in being together?

Tell him you are at breaking point and need him to start pulling his weight?

What are you actually afraid of? Leave the house - stop tidying all the time - let the dishes build up

Ask why he thinks you should live as a single mother when you are in a two parent household? Ask if he realises you would not notice if he wasn’t living there except you’d be 1/4th lighter in chores across the house?

TELL HIM

I'm not sure that you'll ever get anybody who will admit to doing what you're thinking of doing, as they'd get a pasting on here, but I bet that there are plenty of people - both men and women - who only stay in a marriage out of convenience. In your case, where you've lost respect for him and he's treating you like you're there for his convenience I'd say go for it if that's what suits you.

I'd also recommend that you start squirrelling away an escape fund that he doesn't know about, for if at some point in the future you decide that the balance has shifted and you'd prefer to get out. So many women are stuck in marriages that they'd rather get out of because they cannot afford to leave. Do your best to keep up with your CPD at work and any career progression that you can make (I know it's really hard if not impossible when you're part time) so that you can find decently paid full time work if you ever need to.

You may never decide to leave him - my point is that it would be wise to keep your options open so that if either of you call time on the marriage, you're not totally screwed. In the meantime I can see the sense in what you want to do.

I would stay and wait and see if he changes in 2-3 years.
I was you, but the oldest turned 8 and dad started taking him to cricket/football and I got a shock of my life when he even volunteered to be some kind of kids sports team coach (he is a recluse and doesn't even talk to people).
For the first 5 years I also thought he is incredibly lazy and selfish, but finally kids' needs took priority in his mind.
Don't you have other family, parents, sister, who could help you with children?
Life as a single mother is very challenging, I think, he would be gone, but without any support network around you, things would get even harder.

You sound burnt out. And fed up.
What helped me in a similar phase was to do 1-2 nice things just for me.
If you can I’d also suggest a weekend away - or even 1 night, just for you.
Yes you may come back to chaos but show him how the house is when your leave and ask for it to look like that when he gets back.
They are hard ages. We went outside a lot in the summer - had picnics away from the house. Less tidying up to do then.
I also used to take the children away by myself for 2-3 days. DH was working so much. It gave me a break and a change of scenery and also there’s less pressure somehow else where. Any grandparents that could help out a bit?

Yes, my comment was bitchy. But OP has it easier than most people I know. No one has a perfect life. I think she needs a change of perspective. She's not just unhappy in her marriage, she says she can't work full time and progress because she's "ugly" and "too old" (although she can't be older than 45, realistically). That's not someone who needs to leave their husband, that's someone with some issues of her own that she needs to sort out because to me it reads as her blaming her DH for everything bad in her life.

Most parents don't want to break up for the sake of the children, so no, you're doing nothing wrong. Obviously if he was beating you black and blue, I would advise you leave for their/your sake, but otherwise, do what suits you and the kids-if people judge you that's their opinion, but don't ruin your life to suit them. As they get older, it might get easier, and also suggest counselling to him.