To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

There is no way he would do that (dump us, I mean.) His bread is definitely buttered.

So stop buttering his fucking bread then.

As much as it annoys me, I actually completely understand you OP, my DH can be like this, the more I do the less he does with regards parenting (our DD is now 5), but behind every lazy man is an enabler with a touch of martyrsm.. you have to fight against your natural tendencies and just make it his problem too.. if he makes a mess when you are out, then leave it for him to deal with, literally walk past it. If DD doesn't have the correct stuff for school, ask him why he didn't pack it for her (make a list and stick it on the wall if you want to compromise), if the kids are hungry, ask him why he hasn't fed them.

The problem is he's never learned to parent (or cook and clean apparently) because he's never had to, that is on you as much as him. None of this stuff you describe is YOUR job, but you've taken over responsibility for all of it.

Have a proper talk, choose the problem areas you need to tackle (feeding the kids should be a priority, getting their stuff ready for school etc), ask him what he would like from you to achieve that then STOP enabling his feebleness.

Op what jumped out was you saying’it makes more work for me’- I think as women we jump into parenthood and sorting the house etc etc and then jump to their way being the wrong way- I work on a checkout and the amount of women that grab things off men, push them out of the way, take the child off them etc etc. I’m not saying you try to control things- just that there’s a chance your dh could cope better than you think if you both properly talked it out and told him how you feel

on 50/50 all men say they don’t want it until they realise monetarily it gets them off the hook, also I think courts lean more towards 50/50?

Stop wasting your life
ducks in a row and get rid
you’ll be so much happier

He isn’t actually cruel or unkind. That’s why I’m confident he won’t leave and I already know I’ll stay at two and a half days a week. Apart from anything else, there isn’t currently the availability for me to be FT even if I wanted to be.

I am laughing a bit at ‘how on earth can you be tired at having a two year old four and a half days a week, a five year old for two and a job on top? How indeed …

@Morepositivemum when I have tried the house is trashed so no.

That just means you need to leave them with him more!!!

It really doesn’t but thanks. He doesn’t want them more, it creates work for me and it isn’t good for them. Three very good reasons why this is a bad idea.

Just go out. Tell him 'I am having lunch with a friend on Saturday'. And go.
Yes, the house will be a mess when you get back, tell him to help clear up. He won't cook so tell him to get a takeaway. But it will give you some precious time out.

Do it more and more. You're kinda enabling him to be lazy because you are doing it all. It's very very hard to take a step back and it will be a difficult period in time but if your husband is any sort of good person then he will get it.

My ExH was like this. He had the BIG job, so when I was pregnant with our first, I told him I would do all the night feeds.

Fast forward a couple of years, we had a 19 month old and a newborn, and I was up 5 times a night with each, so 10 times every night. I coped for a while, albeit exhausted, but then, when the youngest was 5 months old, I went back to work part time. Still getting up circa 10 times a night, and then getting up at 630am for work.

I begged ExH to help me, I even got on my knees. The answer was "No, you said you'd do it, and so you should, as my job is the main income". I explained that when I'd said that I had no idea how relentless it would be, but he didn't care. He did a grand total of ZERO night feeds.

He also regularly went out drinking and came in drunk, waking them both up, then would face plant on the bed and leave me to get them back to sleep. On top of all that he cheated. So out chatting up OW, whilst I was at home with the babies.

Got off track there, but my point was, that some men just won't do what you ask them to, even if you beg or try to cajole. It's a hard no, and what the fuck do you do then? Buggered if I know.

I completely get where you are coming from. My DH didn't look after our first DC for a day on her own until she was 3! He didn't take both of them until the eldest was 5 years - yes, he was a parent for 5 years before he actually looked after both kids for a day! I am not sure what I was thinking and why I didn't do something about this earlier.

Then he was furloughed for Covid and I wasn't, so our roles reversed and overnight he had to take on all the childcare and a load of domestic stuff. It was a massive kick up the bum for him that I never could have delivered on my own. The first day was also awful - they had ketchup for lunch (ketchup on its own with nothing else) and the little one fell down stairs when DH was on the sofa staring at his phone.
Things did improve from this point though and now he takes a lot of the domestic load. It has also helped that the DCs are older and less inclined to gravitate to me for all their needs. I have also been educating them on misogyny and feminism and they are very happy to call DH out!

What would happen in your house if you found a way to get away for a week or even long weekend and left DH to it?

Yes it will be - but who cares? Given time the house will become less trashed as hubby gets the hang of actually being a dad..
Besides, chose your battles. You want time out, take it.

Op, I'd stay but I couldn't be having sex with him. If that was an obligation, it'd break me.
I would have lost all respect for your DH too if I was you.
My husband works crazy hours but I still force him into doing stuff with our dd.
Have you ever tried running the bath, plonking the kids in, telling him you're heading out for a walk and that he better get up there immediately as they need supervision as you walk out the door? I'd be doing this on a nightly basis if I were you.

In that case, the woman shouldn’t complain and just get on with it!!!

Genuine question, what if you don’t clean up after this? Does he outright refuse to help tidy and clean? Would it be a big argument? Does he not see/mind the mess?

I would have so little respect for him, I would never want to grow old with him though.

@nothingcancompare Do what you have to do to get through the next year or so but long term, separate. You will still have to do 90% but without the resentment.

These pathetic bloody men!

You're still in the trenches of early motherhood and it is exhausting, all the more so if you have a partner who doesn't fully pitch in.
Given everything you've said, I think your plan to stay (at least for now) and keep your working pattern as it is, and find respite and rest where you can.
My daughter is 3, and even with only one child there are days where I feel on my knees by bedtime. With two it must be so hard, but I am sure better/easier days are coming. Friends with more than one kid have told me it got so much easier once they were both over five years old and the toddler phase is a thing of the past.
Sending love and luck to you OP ❤️

You still have time to turn this around and get him to do something. The kids are still very little. He's doing weaponised incompetence.
Are you ok with being financially dependent on him? You'll be stuck with him forever! (If he doesn't get an OW in due course). Your mental health is already suffering, would full time work really be worse?

Why can’t you try to unentrench it.
Not when you are annoyed or he is but calmly. Tell him you would like a chance to sit and talk quietly, arrange to go for coffee for neutral ground. Don’t phrase it as criticism or a list of what he isn’t doing, frame it as the status quo isn’t working, you would like to have the balance shifted ahead of your second child going to school. If you are able to work a few more hours you could suggest getting a cleaner. Once you have had your say let him speak. Then both go away and think how things could change, how a different way of doing things could work. You might jointly decide that the children should be doing more tidying up, laying out clothes etc.
Of course none of this might work and you walk away but at least you will have tried.

Is DC2 in childcare while you work? In that case, can DC2 have ar a extra day or half day a week in childcare while DC1 is in school? So that you can have that day or half-day as a proper child-free break, do some exercise, whatever?

That seems to me like the fairest way through this.

Have you told him you’ll be staying part time once both children are at school? Has he agreed? Or will he start saying you need to work full time at that point as “you don’t need 2 days off”. If he’s a kind man that recognises that you do all the grunt work & would consider you’ve earned the days off once they are at school, then I think that would be ok. I suspect he doesn’t even realise that he does nothing towards family life & would begrudge you suddenly getting time off. What’s his current attitude towards school holidays? Does he think you’ve got it easy with so much time off work?
I understand your thought process that it’s the only way you’ll ever get some respite, but I suspect the resentment will grow. & you’ll lose all respect for him.

Have you done a CMS check to see what you’d get if you split? Also a benefit check. That would be worth knowing so you can weigh up the choices better. You are basically a single parent now, so worth checking what your finances would actually be if it was official.

So don't then. It's unlikely your marriage will survive long term, even if you stay for the money. At the moment you just resent him, but you will grow to hate him.

Until you recognise your part in enabling his feebleness, nothing will ever change for you unfortunately.

A "martyr complex" is a psychological pattern where an individual consistently sacrifices their own needs for the sake of others, often to the point of severe burnout, while expecting praise or validation in return.

Exaggerated Burden: Constantly complaining about how much you "have to do" while refusing to delegate or accept help.

Woah You're a teacher?
So actually this is 6 weeks of PT work then a few weeks off doing fun stuff?! So you can recharge? And don't say you can't because letting the kids stay at home and play with toys / in the garden for a day or two won't break them?!

Whilst not a race to the bottom, have a think about those people who work FT and do everything you do in terms of the mental load. And have to actually juggle kids and working full time in the holidays!

Yes your husband sounds lazy but I think you have it better than 70% of people sorry!

If you would rather stay for money and a break then that is fine but personally I would not give up on him actually being a father. The bar is soo low. Stop doing it all. Seriously. Why haven't you laid in bed and said its your turn to get up with the kids...why make yourself a martyr? I know, I know, it's easier to do it yourself but you need to let him do it.

I think you can really only decide based on now, OP. You can't predict whether you'll meet and fall head over heels for someone next year and choose to leave or whether you'll suddenly find it much easier in a couple of years time, when your 3 year old sleeps better and feel you'd be more fulfilled upping your working days. As it is, I think what you suggest (staying because you are anticipating a couple of school days a week to recoup) is a pragmatic suggestion. I believe you when you say you've tried every which way to get your DH to step up.In your shoes, I think I would find acceptance of his limitations easier to handle that constantly trying to push him to be better. I just hope he isn't going to turn round when your younger child goes to school and say he isn't happy to support you not to work any longer, or that he wants to reduce his hours because "you've had your turn". He sounds tone deaf to the work that is parenting, which makes me worry he might!

You say he's kind but lazy and can't handle the kids. He won't, but with practice he'll be able to do it. You may end up leaving anyway but I'd be claiming your time back now. He needs to step up and be a dad to his children and you need to have some time to yourself. The more practice he has at looking after them then better he'll be at it. Go out and leave him to parent them.