To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

Do you like him? This matters, And if he has a long commute and you only work two and a half days I can see why most of the childcare falls on you. This, I am afraid, is how it generally is but he should be able to control the children. I hope he doesn't spend hours on games machines etc which would suggest he was a man-child.
Fwiw children get older and do not need so much attention. And there is no reason for entertaining DC 24/7. Do a weekly wash, don't iron ANYTHING EVER (if DH wants shirts ironed he can iron them), batch cook on your days off and freeze meals, have a clean enough house and be a good enough mum.
As to children always coming to you, this is normal. Children want their mother, with whom they have a physical bond, being made of her own body, and they instinctively know this. As they get older and have interests they will also turn to their father but you are the hub of their universe.
If you leave - assuming you don't like your DH - you will still be parenting 24/7 and on less money, possibly in a less nice house. Worth thinking about, at least. I am not saying stay if you are unhappy, but your unhappiness is due to your perceived work-load and you appear to see your children not as people you love and want to care for and bring up but as burdens - tbh I don't know why you had any children (that goes for your DH too).

I don’t understand how a 5 year old and a 2 year are allowed to thrash the place when you are not there.
That’s just not on.
Do they do it when you’re there too ?
Actions should have consequences.
It sounds like he has “learned helplessness” - do such a bad job he won’t be asked to do it again.

She's explained why.
Must be really fun for OP opening up about not being listened to, then for a million people not to listen either!

This is so good! What I was trying to say but not so well as this. Letting him self-train the weaponised incompetence out of him!

i can hear how tired and emotionally stretched you sound OP.

my Husband barely helps with our kids, when he does it’s like he is doing me a favour:) and he expects a recognition for it! So for Father’s Day, the kids bought him a trophy…however, he provides really well for us. We do have a nanny (he can’t work from home) is in a job that requires long shifts and is a case of life/death (I same profession) but since having kids was lucky to be able to afford to stay at home with them. The agreement was I was the main parent and he was the main provider! However because of the working hours/shifts, we compromised on a nanny (kids went to pre school at the private school they now attend). The nanny was to give me some free time, to do little bits like clip my nails/wash my hair, etc without the baby and a toddler in the bathroom with me. I don’t think your situation is unusual, and it’s ok to stay if you think you can tolerate him (without blowing up) and making the kids unhappy -if you burn out! It does get better with the kids even if you can’t see it now - it is relentless!

Are you me? Other than our children being different ages. Same job same work pattern although I’m upping my hours next year as a plan to start to break free. It’s relentless with the kids. I find the holidays such hard work trying to entertain them all the time. (Obs I cannot entertain them all the time but it feels like that is the expectation.) whilst my youngest 6 is so young I do physically need somebody to get the children whilst I’m at work but once they’re old enough I do plan to leave. He knows this but doesn’t believe it.

My ex was still very lovely after our eldest was born, the fuckwittery didn’t begin to emerge until late in my second pregnancy, and he evolved into a total lazy useless twat over the next couple of years.

Wow this is so not true. Divorce is not a small upset, and it’s not like moving house. It’s terrible for the kids. Effects on mental health can become apparent years later - depression, low self esteem, inability to connect etc. Its also the road to poverty.

She doesn't begrudge looking after them
She begrudges feeling like a single mum while in a marriage. Not having a break. Carrying the load while he always assumes she's got everything.

Let's be honest, all of parenthood isn't cuddles and rainbows. It's hard, monotonous and never ending. Having a break without coming home to 'fix' everything he hasn't done, feed them, clear up the mess should be the standard.

As for the second, you think things will get easier as they age. You don't realise how much work 2 is. You don't want to leave your only child visiting dad on their own when you eventually break up...

I say this from someone in the same situation. I'm resentful, the respect and attraction is gone. But if I leave it only gets harder for me. And they will be neglected when with him. Teeth not brushed. Fed rubbish food. Too much TV.

Have you tried answering that you've booked a weekend awayand you'll be back on Sunday afternoon?

I don't understand how it gets to this. Go to a gym class, book club, whatever, everyone will get used to it if you persevere.

I’m sorry you’re in such a predicament with a lazy man, but can I just say - your children will be learning from this. They will be learning that men don’t have to lift a finger and women (ie you) are expected to pick up the slack and do everything else. The sort of shit needs to stop. We need to teach our sons and daughters we are not slaves to their (and our partner’s) every need. That’s how the wrong lessons get passed down through generations.
Some things are worth more than money…

By the sounds of things the money is the only reason to stay in this marriage so would be silly to discard the one thing that he brings to this party. The alternative would invariably leave you solo parenting, even less time for yourself, and a smaller house with the addition of money worries.

This is absolute nonsense - the impact of divorce on children is significant and scientifically proven. There is no debate between experts on this; only the extent of the impact has varying opinions.

Wowyou needhis money to stay part time. I was you 13 years ago, except, I had an incredible career and worked FT whilst the ds were FT nursery then school. My marriage ws shit he was as lazy as yours yet, I got fulfillment through my work. You sound completely unfulfilled. What about when the kids graduate tl uni? You'll still enjoy his money and your pt job that's going nowhere?
I couldn't sacrifice my career and happiness for a man's salary and pension. Your kidswill see this. Think carefully.

OP this a special kind of exhaustion and a special kind of trap that only women find themselves in and it's fucking brutal. You realise you're completely stitched up and there's nothing you can do except soldier on.

The only think I can think of is to try and find an unofficial arrangement with someone you completely trust who maybe has a 2 year old and you can agree that on one day of the week, your friend takes your 2 year old and the other day you take their 2 year old so you look after each other's kids so you can both get some time off, maybe 3hours or something.

I used to go to a lot of toddler groups to talk to other mums as I was so so bored and found it very hard to cope. where is your 2 year old when you are working part-time? Could you put the 2 year old in for more days so you get some extra time to yourself? Would the budget stretch to that?

unfortunately you have no choice but to stay. I would suggest upping your work days when the time comes to try and break free.

Women are so royally screwed over by men. It never gets old this chesnut does it? It never gets old. No wonder so many women are saying no to kids.

OP you aren't the only one like this and you won't be the last. I'm finally escaping my marriage after 18 years of this. Likewise DH wasn't mean but he was very busy working. He did provide very well for us. He was good at that. So yes, take what you can and know that eventually you'll escape one day.

You seem to have accepted that you won’t get your dh to “step up” so you have to find somewhere else to carve out some time for yourself. Can you put your ds into nursery an extra day? That way you would have a day to yourself or could spend half the day doing your prep and marketing and have evenings to yourself.

It sounds like you are really spinning all the plates, mainly on your own. I can imagine you must be exhausted and have little capacity to even imagine things ever being any different.
Thinking about your dilemma, I wonder if you are trying to make a decision based on what you know now and the hope it would get better. And, yet older children bring more complex issue and if you are basically solo parenting now and can’t rely on him to on the basics, it may be even more of a struggle when the kids needs are different. The grind of being with a partner you do not respect may chip away at you and maybe get you somewhere even harder. Perhaps the question is not so much about whether it is ok for you to stay with him for the financial “comfort”, but more about how much this perceived comfort is actually costing you emotionally. Pushing down how you feel all the time has to take its toll on you.
You mentioned he does not hear/listen to you, would couple therapy be an option?

The way I see it, if you leave, you just end up doing it all yourself anyway, but with a lot less money.

The whole family court and maintenance system is ridiculously biased towards the man. You may get a pittance for raising his kids alone, while he gets to be a weekend "Disney dad". Meanwhile brainwashing your kids into thinking you're a whiny, miserly old shrew. This is what my (frankly evil, narcissistic) ex-BIL has done.

However, the more I hear about divorce and exes, the more I realise that this is the NORM, even where (like BIL) he was the one who had an affair and left.

The mums put the children first. The dads put themselves first. You're at a permanent disadvantage, which the guy will abuse against you.

I got sick of the grind at about the sane stage as you. I tried to talk to him, then argued, then tried to leave. My husband was distraught, shared his distress with the kids and I stayed. My kids grew up with a resentment about the "trauma" i inflicted on them by even thinking of leaving.

Marriage is a practical financial and parenting agreement as much as it is about love. Plus there was an upturn.

Once the kids grew up, I fell in love with my husband again. I lost the resentment and saw him as a flawed human who is part of the invisible patriarchy. I was unable to undo all his years of programming that he didn't need to pick stuff up that he didnt want to. He still has the same biased reasoning he invoked back then. He thinks his behaviour is reasonable but if I push it he will flex.

Most of the time I cant be bothered to push and I just get on with it. If this persists into retirement I'll probably go. At present I've compromised on working part-time and trying to enjoy my life as it is.

The final twist is that he's become even more striking looking in middle age, and has women staring at him, flirting etc. He's not interested - he just gets embarrassed by the attention. I do wonder if he would be fighting them off if I left. 🙄

Does your husband know that you are at this stage, where your actual considering divorce? Because i would sit him and tell him in the hopes it might at least shock him.
The sheer weaponised incompetence is astounding but why are you doing solo bedtime. Why does he get to relax whilst your literally in the trenches. Why cant he cook dinner 2/3 nights a week

I did this and it 100% worked.
Fast forward twenty years and I feel like we've been able to weather many storms on the back of it.
Not gloating but what's the alternative?

Hey OP I would caution against all the messages telling you to leave etc.

I left when my fc were very similar ages to yours and it is so horrific it’s unreal.

we got 50/50 custody and it feels like I barely see my children.

therefore your issue that you have to do everything and they only want you sounds so precious and wonderful I would absolutely love to be in that position again.

I think the whole equal partners thing is annoying. You are getting this precious time with your children. You’re only working 2.5 days a week and school holidays off. Loads of mums on here would love that.

loads of mum’s are the main breadwinners and that is much harder.

I think equality is having separate but equally valuable roles, and loving and respecting the person in that role. Not saying you both have to earn the same money, pay half the bills and do half the housework. And I say that from experience as it can drive you mad with resentment.

I appreciate it seems hard- but just enjoy what you’ve got would be my advice.

I'm shocked at how single minded you are OP. If you think you and your husband are doing a good job at hiding your miserable relationship away from your children, you are naive.

You owe it to your children's future happiness to stop leeching off your husband and using him for money just because you assume you can't get your life together if you leave.

You like working part time. Do you think perhaps your DH might like the luxury of working part time? You just want to stay with him for money. That's selfish and cruel. Grow up, take care of your business, be honest with your DH and make a life with your children and get an arrangemeny in place for DH to see them. It's time you stopped being a user and treat a relationship with respect and love and not as a cash cow. Not to mention underestimating your children by putting your needs first.

Many single parents get on with it. You just sound pathetic.

Sorry if this has been mentioned already, but is your DH paying into a pension for you? Or funding you so that you can use your wages via your employee scheme?

OP. I think you’ve probably given up on this thread by now. But I will comment regardless. A couple of years ago I was roughly in your position. Worked 4 days a week, did everything else with two children 3 and 7. Bit of grandparent help with the 3 year old in the week. Was waiting patiently for the time they were both in school and I would have 6 precious hours a week to myself (albeit for housework!) on the non-working day. You know what? Shit life happened. My husband was almost killed in an accident and suffered a severe brain injury. He doesn’t work now. And contributes, if possible, less than he ever did practically. And I can’t leave can I. In so many ways your post made me ache. Because I yearned for that time, that semblance of a manageable life, and it was ripped away with so much else. Think long term. All the best to you.

Pack your job in and be a stay at home mum. You will have to make loads of economies but will be much happier.