To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

In this economy no stay but try and stash some away for your get away

I’d suggest talking to a solicitor if you can. If you cut down on hrs after the kids and do most of the childcare then you could get more than 50/50. It’s pretty miserable being with someone who isn’t a partner. I know this first hand from my now ex. What he did though is demand 50/50 even though he’d not even come close to putting effort in as a dad to this. Courts generally want to give dads equal time with the kids if they ask. This means they don’t pay you maintenance. Your kids are still quite young so will adapt better than when older. Dad of mine didn’t do 50/50 in the end.

You said he was kind, but that’s not a kind response. At all.

To answer your OP, no, I don’t think you’d be unreasonable AT ALL. If you leave, you’ll be doing all the solo parenting with less money. Your kids will still see you resenting him.

You’ve said you can live with him day-to-day. Do that - and at the same time, think about how you want your life to look in ten years. Work towards that. Start an escape fund. Build friendships so you have support. Find good reliable trustworthy babysitters so you can have the odd hour to yourself.

Your husband is a prick and I hope your kids go NC when they can.

Hi there, if you did decide to split and he wouldn’t do 50:50, he would have to pay you maintenance and you could claim universal credit, so doubt you’d have to work full time in that case? Does that help? I was in a similar but not completely same situation a few years ago, I said if he wouldn’t go to couples therapy then I was leaving, I was deadly serious. He knew that and agreed, it worked and things are now much better! Good luck with whatever you decide to do

You resent him and this will only build. You need to sit down and tell him how bad this is, that you are going to split up if he doesn’t fix up. Believe me from a mom who split up with the dad when they were 2 and 3 I was so much better off. Because when we were together I was also looking after him, and dealing with resentment which all went away when we split. I won’t pretend it’s not hard bit I’m glad I did it, and now they are 6 and 7 and can do so much more for themselves life is so much easier. Very enjoyable actually😊 I’m very lucky in that I work part time and qualify for universal credit to top me up and also help me pay the wrap around fees whilst I work. I’m not flush but we are ok. Their father is that incapable and incompetent that he still doesn’t have them for more than a few hours at a time but it’s fine.
ultimately the decision is yours. Good luck to you.

You surely don't love him do you? I do more housework and women generally do much more than that. Does he do anything for you? Prepare and cook a meal, run a bath, glass of vino, anything?
As others have said, know what you need to discuss, write it down and just tell him the reality is this or can he change. What does being a husband and father mean to him. Maybe even let him care for his children on his own for a few days.
If you still love each other, there is hope, otherwise move on.

I don’t really see the point of him! 50:50 custody, you get a break, you get some money, but most importantly, you don’t have a third child to parent!

Both pareents should embrace and enjoy parenthood if they choose to have children. If you can't stand to try another conversation about it, msybe write him a letter about it explsining dpecifically your msin complsint - that he gets me time and you don't. Surely he has to see that it's simply not fair that you get none. He's being really selfish. Threaten to leave him if things don't improve.

we have five children.i have always done everything for them.it killed me when they were all young two years apart,no help,whatsoever.his mum used to joke he works longer so he doesn’t have to help at home.i had no family to help not even his mum and dad. I was very depressed when they were young.today my youngest is 15 ,life is still the same im afraid.

Read ‘Fair Play’ by Eve Rodsky and make him read it too. Don’t accept the situation. If you still love him I think you can regain respect for him if he knows what he needs to do - but unfortunately he might not know what he needs to do unless you spell it out.

I think you need to tell DH what the problem is and ask he does more. If not time to separate.

Too old, too ugly?

Well your self esteem is in the toilet. You need to address that. Does your husband tell you this?

Oh I feel for you, it’s such a tricky place to be and believe me you’re not alone in this situation just people don’t talk about it openly irl.

I get what you’re saying in terms of biting your tongue and getting through it until both children are in full time school and you’ll finally get a couple of days off to yourself which is financially doable whilst still married to your husband. Practically it sounds fine. Emotionally it will still affect you. He won’t get any better and you’ll still be left doing all the cleaning, caring, cooking, taking dc to their clubs, play dates, parties etc. School runs and bath and bedtime. You’ll still feel the resentment.
Also, it will take it toll on your mental health and wellbeing. It will effect your happiness and it will start to make you resent your children as you’ll still feel like a single parent within a marriage where your husbands life doesn’t seem to have changed much by becoming a father yet yours has derailed.

Maybe hang in there for now with your plan in sight but you definitely need to think of the bigger picture and whether you want to end up in a loveless, resentful and unhappy marriage

Keep your chin up and be kind to yourself
there’s only so much one person can do ❤️

Gosh! Reading this brought back a flood of memories for me. My children are now 17 and 14. I stayed, because on balance I would've been worse off leaving - financially and in terms of "help". My OH works really well to a list, so I feel like I've got a friendly helper round the house. We're also very good friends and still have amazing sex. So I've compromised massively. I've taken on all the domestic load as well as now working full time. Things have got much easier now the children are older, but I'm pretty much biding my time. Once my youngest is 18, and "project kids" is over, I'll be off. I know this must sound completely insane - it was extremely difficult for me to accept the role as domestic manager when the kids were younger, but we've achieved a reasonable balance - I do all the thinking and planning, OH does what I tell him needs doing. So why am I still wanting to leave? I want to live by myself again - to only worry about my own needs. I have a lot of friends and enough money saved to go and do the things I enjoy without having to think about anyone else. I hope I'll still maintain a close friendship with OH, but that will be down to him I guess.

I'm sure you would get an income support and he will have to pay you child maintenance and if needed a spouse maintenance. (that's a real thing, I didn't know about it till now, when I'm facing a potential divorce)

Up to you. But it's no fun being poor. Why don't you get help in the house to make your life easier.

You obviously didn't realise that mothers do most of the parenting with young children. At some stage you are going to have to go on strike. If you are taken very ill, he would have to cope, so suggest he learns how to cope now while you are still well and able to (gently) instruct.
Leaving and being a single parent is not a good idea in all but the worst cases, not for the children nor you. Is he capable of making a cup of tea/coffee and boiling an egg? If not, then teach him.
Have you had any contact with his parents? Did his mother do everything?
You should have a serious talk explaining your feelings - without whining - and ask for help. If it doesn't work. then do just what he does and no more. The children may have to miss school and you may not eat for a day but it may work.

I'm wondering how he was parented? What is the template?
I'm afraid it sounds pretty typical of many men.

If you spell it out, would he consider therapy? Is he so thick skinned he has no idea how you feel?

A child at 48 must be quite a challenge.

Life is short. Why choose to be unhappy?

I know you are a part-time teacher. But by god teaching part-time is never that. It’s full-time, by the time you sort lessons plans, prepping, sharing with your job share, the list is endless then your own kids on top.

Are your husbands parents around? Could you rope them in on weekends. What would happen if you said you were going to the hairdresser on a Saturday for example?

I would say stay and start putting money to one side for when you are ready to leave.
Drop as many things as you can. Let your husband do his own washing, make his own appointments, sort gifts for his own family.
Let the housework slip. Do basic teas some nights. Make your favourite meals not his.
Stop considering his option on things. Make decisions that benefit you and the children. Act like he’s part of the furniture. He’s checked out on being a present partner and parent first.

Carve out as much time as possible for you.
No one is going to put you first so you need to do that where you can. Put the kids in front of the tv or tablets so you can have some time for self care. As you say you’ve got a year until you get some time back to yourself once both children are in school.

Once your out of crisis mode you can make a plan and decide on what you want for your future.

I know this sounds rather vague, but I think you have to talk to him and explain how you think. By the way, do you have any sort of sex life?

Is there anyone who could take the children for s few hours so you can both discuss calmly what is going on for both of you? Maybe he may listen a bit more if things arent
as stressful x

I MADE THIS SAME DECISION IN 2000. I STAYED ANOTHER 13 YEARS. My boys both hold autism diagnosis. They needed private therapy three mornings a week three hours each day. They had other interventions as well and special diets etc to maintain. I homeschooled them rather than argue with the schools. When I knew our marriage was basically toxic, I left for four months. REALITY SAID THAT I COULDN'T BE THE FULL TIME MOM THEY NEEDED, WORK FULL TIME TO SUPPORT US INDEPENDENTLY, AND THINK THAT OUR PLAN FOR THEIR ADULT LIFE CAPABILITIES WOULD BE A REALISTIC EXPECTATION.

THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED THAT THERE WAS WORSE JOBS THAN TO BE MARRIED TO MY NOW EXHUSBAND. Let me be clear...he was neglectful much like you noted....zero help except for bringing home a paycheck, narcissistic in many ways, not physically abusive to us. WHEN I ADJUSTED MY EXPECTATIONS TO BE ZERO PARTICIPATION ON HIS PART, LIFE GOT EASIER. If you expect nothing, the rate times he does something, it makes your month.