To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

It's really unusual for someone to be almost 50 with a two-year-old, so I'm curious. Did you freeze your eggs or use donor eggs? Obviously you were older when you had kids. I gathered that.

Put your fightiness to good use and sort your husband out.

What does he actually do on his weekends off?

Perhaps you wouldn't have to come home to chaos if he did his childcare stints outside the house? If you insisted he take the DC to their weekend activities, would he actually refuse?

I was wondering this too

Well, don't! OBVIOUSLY she had them when she was older! Some of these replies! 🤣

I'm glad OP isn't my teacher!

This is the point at which many men decide that their wives must go FT

@nothingcancompare

I think many men view their wives as domestic appliances quite frankly, they frame it as " but you like it" eg having DC with them at all times, all shopping, cooking, chores etc
I understand completely where you are coming from

Im in a situation where now the DC are grown hes all happy and touchy feely and Im completely uninterested in him
So many marriages end early 50s and the men are completely blind sided apparently 🙄

I hear you , just watch that hes not going to insist you go FT once they are in school

Sorry I meant to YANBU
it won’t be long and they’ll both be in school - it goes so quickly,
Being a single parent is awful- trust me. If he’s not abusive and he’s paying the bills, I would stay. I know resentment has well and truly set in but he will cope better when they’re older and it will get easier.

I’d think carefully, OP. Not sure if you’ve mentioned your career history but a good friend of mine essentially gave up work over a decade ago. Her kids are older (teens) but she does everything on the domestic front, while her husband works all the time and earns a LOT of money.

She has an easy life in many ways but this imbalance has been so bad for their relationship. She is full of resentment at doing everything in the house, and struggling with identity because she’s been out of the work game for so long. She has no financial independence and feels horribly stuck in her marriage.

I’m not saying ‘leave him’, but I would build yourself up to have that option, should you choose it later!

What would his response be if you said, "I'm close to a mental breakdown, I'm not coping and desperately need you to step up to be the parent that you should be, and to be an equal partner. My health is in tatters". I don't understand how you can say he isn't cruel/abusive if he can't hear that and step up immediately. You have unwittingly enabled this but he knows what he's doing. That is the definition of cruel.

What do his family think? Are his friends also twats?

If you are close to 50, how old is your DH? Do either of you have older children? From the experience of giving birth to my youngest at 40, I can say it's more tiring than having them at 30. I'm not excusing him doing nothing in the house, but I'm wondering about your lifestyle prior to children and how much of this was discussed beforehand.

But @nothingcancompare if he was just thoughtless, when you say him down and told him how close to breaking point you are and how he needs to step up, he would have.

He didn’t. Because he doesn’t care about you enough.

So.. I would stay with him whilst the kids are little. Get them to school and get your days off. But I’d never forgive him for his treatment and I’d be making my plans to leave when the kids were older.

He doesn’t love or care about you or the kids. He just wouldn’t sit back and watch this unfold in the way it is doing if he did.

What's your relationship with your DH actually like? Do you enjoy each other's company, hold hands, laugh together, go out on dates, talk respectfully to each other etc?

However you're behaving will become the template of what your DCs think a marriage is. Do you want them to think that a marriage means the female does everything in the house and the male is incompetent?

You say you're reasonably happy in your marriage, but you wouldn't be posting on here unless you felt some resentment, which I imagine will only grow as time passes. DCs can sense an atmosphere in a house, even when their parents think they're covering it up.

Sympathies, OP, it sounds really frustrating. And all these posters saying "Why do you let him" - wtf, you don't "let" another adult do something or not do something!

Speaking from further on in the process - you will find that the time you spend looking after the DCs now will pay off later. They're forming a bond with you that they'll never have with their dad. When they get to be teenagers, believe me, you'll feel the benefit of this every single day. (I know it feels like an eternity away, but that day will come!)

You can hold him to account without harming the children.
AIf you are going out tomorrow, get him to do breakfast whilst you get ready. If he hasn't done it ask again and go away and do another job. Lower the boundary so the breakfast is on the side ready.

I also think it's healthy for children to see parents disagreeing with one another and holding the other person to account. I'm not talking about a shouty arguement but slightly disgruntled, I've asked you to do something and you haven't done it, please can you do it. It can teach your children about healthy relationships in an age appropriate way. It teaches your children that helping is a two way street. It teaches them that if you ask them to do something they have to do it. Go forward 5 years and you ask your partner and your child to tidy up after themselves. Your partner doesn't what incentive does it give your child to do the same? He's teaching the children that you are not a person to be listened too and it's also teaching them that relationships where one person is taking advantage of another is normal.

I wonder if a different tack of approaching the situation would be to focus on the relationships and not his inaction. There was a thread the other day about is it ok to prefer going out without your partner and just with children. They were posters talking about mum and child relationships and relationships between you and your partner and family relationships but very few talking about dad and children relationships. I would ask him if would be happy in 5 years time and these relationship dynamics don't change?

The problem with this assumption is that it works on the basis that the father actually will step up. That they will care that their child is fed/clothed appropriately/arrives at school on time and in the correct uniform etc. I think it's hard to imagine someone voluntarily letting their own child suffer. The truth of the matter is, many men really don't give a shit, so the advice to mothers in this situation that they should just not do something and it will force the father to step up is useless. If the mother doesn't provide snacks/pre-prepared meals, the child doesn't get fed. (I know one father who has happily fed himself and not the kids. Claims it just didn't occur top him. It's not a one off.) If the mother doesn't dress the child, it stays in its' nappy/pjs. If the mother doesn't pack the nursery bag, it doesn't get done. My own ex tried to prevent me from further training when our child was a baby. He'd suddenly develop an illness just as I was about to walk out the door, which meant he couldn't possibly care for our baby. The second time he pulled that, I left our baby screaming in its cot and went to my course (I couldn't afford to lose more money by not showing up, and I was sick of being controlled and trapped). Knowing ex wouldn't get out of bed to care for him, wouldn't give him milk etc. When I got back, ex claimed the baby slept in and didn't cry at all. I said when I left, the baby was standing in his cot screaming and crying. He feigned ignorance. When women tell you that if they don't do it, it won't get done, we need to believe them (and help give them a way out).

It doesn't matter what people tell OP about making him do this that and the other, you're all wasting your breath.. there are effective ways of ensuring a more equal household with regards to effort with parenting, household tasks etc, trouble is OP has absolutely no intention of implementing any of it.. her husband has no respect for her and just wants her to be a doormat and so she is one, won't even carry a laundry basket upstairs as 'it's not his job' she has fully accepted and embraced her designated role in the marriage, nothing anyone says will make any difference.

The crux of the problem is she is afraid to rock the boat, she doesn't want to lose the lifestyle she has been accustomed to, and will never do anything to "jeopardise it", and he knows she will never leave.

It's a lonely existence, for her and the kids, and rarely ends well ultimately, but at the end of the day we are all free to make choices in life, I hope OP doesn't look back and regrets it, the kids will never have a loving parent in their dad, ironically they will probably always yearn for his attention/acceptance but will never receive it, he has already checked out of family life, and doesn't really want anything to do with them, but as long as his needs are met, and his wife continues to perform as she should, he's happy to keep up the status quo.

I hope things improve in a couple of years, but I'm not sure it's a gamble I would be willing to take.

So what do you want?

YABU to stay in this marriage. You shoot down every suggestion. If you wanted to rant, fine, but if you want solutions you've had many given. Make a decision or accept things and stop moaning.

Single parents tend not to have the financial security which makes a HUGE difference

Knowing ex wouldn't get out of bed to care for him, wouldn't give him milk etc. When I got back, ex claimed the baby slept in and didn't cry at all. I said when I left, the baby was standing in his cot screaming and crying. He feigned ignorance.

I'm glad he's your ex.

There is no way on earth anyone's going to convince me that a bloke who will sit on his hands while his child's in distress is not a grade A bastard who needs leaving.

The two things do not compute "he's not a cruel man, just lazy". Nah, not if he won't do the right thing by his kids. He's cruel alright.

"He's not a cruel man, just lazy" when you're shattered and at the end of your rope. Nah, he's cruel alright.

Yes absolutely agree - your situation sounds horrible, im sorry. Im talking about a man who will step up - only because the OPs husband didnt sound completely incompetent but sometimes its more just that the man is working longer hours, the woman is the default parent and the woman sometimes finds it hard to let go of the control. Not in all cases but for example, my friend has spread her hours so she does all her working whilst kids at school- this means that as well as working she does all the pick ups and managing the kids all evening every evening. She is overwhelmed but I sometimes wonder if she's done this to herself! Also re meal prep, sometimes the dad wont do it as 'well' as the mum but they would do it their own way and thats ok too, e.g. they might buy a sandwich out instead of bringing something with. Its not the way I would do it but its still fine.

Im only talking capable caring fathers and sometimes mothers who don't realise it but are taking on too much because of the need to have everything perfect or done their way. I am one of these women!!!

Have 2 kids that age and approaching 50 yourself now I can understand why you are so tired!

What I don’t understand is your acceptance of his approach

If you tell the man you are exhausted and you need him to give you time out not reasonable man is going to refuse

Been reading through OPs responses. I’m wondering if this husband has a generous life insurance policy? Assuming he does, it’s new patio time. Then OP can get an au pair in to split the school runs and other duties. I bet the au pair could be bribed to do laundry and kids related organising.

I understand, and I would stay, if I'm honest. If things aren't unbearable then you're right not to upend everything for a potentially mythical greener grass.

I was in your almost exact same situation. I have thought about leaving many times. Realistically, I still dream about having done so, but on balance I'm glad I didn't - and now they're all at school, I do get a break - and things ARE better. The little years are tough, but they won't last forever. I feel like I'm getting back to me, and the dynamics are shifting, the resentment is lessening to an extent. Who knows how it will be longer term?

If things become untenable, you'll know.

Why don’t you get any breaks ?
I’ve no family help, and husband works long hours.
i send children to nursery an extra morning every week-that I’m not working. That morning is for me. Sipping tea, walks, naps, listening to the glorious silence etc. Not for catching up with work or housework. You need a break. Everyone needs a break.
If husband works long hours use some of that money for this extra morning in nursery and a cleaner to make things easier for yourself. If no one is helping you then pay for the help before you burn out !

Don't wonder about late life babies? Why on earth not? Its really interesting!