To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

So, you could still look after your children but just stop looking after him like he’s a child too. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t cook for him. Don’t tidy his mess up. You can have life as it is now basically, it seems like you’re a single parent anyway, but stop being a servant to your lodger too.

I agree the kids come first . They need a stable calm home and it sounds like you cook and make it nice a place for them to live. Well done you x. I think I’d look at it as you do, I’m a single parent but with the advantage of not having money worries or having to slog away FT at work on top of everything. I don’t think I’d tell him anything about the kids unless he asked. I’d go to nativity plays and what not alone unless he asked when it was.I’d make friends with other parents , you will find there’s a good social life when they do sports clubs and stuff. I might even have my own room , no rows or anything just I need my space as I’m tired. It’s really a shame but its his choice,(unless he’s some sort of brain surgeon coming home at midnight cos he’s saving lives or something)

It would kind of make it uncomfortable for the kids though.

I’m sad you described yourself as “old and ugly”, and that barred you from getting a promotion.

You absolutely not old. You are probably very tired and strung out right now but I promise you that when you get more time to yourself you will feel better about yourself and about life in general.

Ple don’t write yourself off for the rest of your life. You have a lot of it left and you can make it good.

You have called posters slow....

I would stay in the marriage for the time being, but leave when the kids are older and parenting will be much easier. My exH decided to take a job in another city as soon as our youngest was born and just before our eldest started school. He left me to do all the parenting during the week , and wasn'tthat much use during weekends (much better than yours though!). I worked full-time after my maternity leave Life was relentless. I was burnt out - not depressed as you say - just completely burnt out.
Fast forward quite a few years, and I am, for about a year now, a single parent to an early secondary and a mid-primary kid. Life is a bliss! Single parenting is waaayyy easier at these ages.
Until your kids are older and you can make your exit I would suggest:

• plan your exit, especially from a financial.side

-don't bother with taking tte kids to activities if it is a hassle. Or find an activity where both can go so you can have some alone time (stage schools are a good options, they tend to last 2 hours or more, but you may need to wait until the youngest is a tiny bit older)

• try to forge relationships with other school mums so you can help each other. I have a great network of mums friends (appreciate I am lucky)
• arrange playdates and outings with other mums (from school, friends?) so you can have some social life as well. Basically, try to build some fun family life with other families rather than your husband.
• don't worry about the kids watching too much TV if you happen to do so.

You will end up with two kids that love you, but are likely not bothered about their dad. He is likely to regret his choices when he is older, you are likely to think test it was worth the sacrifice. Good luck! And when you are down, always remember that life will get easier as your kids get older x

Not really. Their stuff will be clean and tidy. Will it spoil their childhood to see daddy put his own load of washing in the machine?

So you're debating staying with him for the income he brings into the household from working more than twice as long as you do, while at the same time expecting him to do equal share if the domestic duties?

If he gave up his job (and commute) and started working 2.5 days a week locally (except in school holidays of course) so he could match your domestic and child rearing efforts, the implication is that you'd leave him because of financial reasons?

I mean, in all likelihood he's over consumed with his work and not engaging enough in family life, but he's blindly doing his best to provide for his family. You can't have it both ways.

Also, your kids are still quite young, at the age where they're generally more maternally attached (he may well be feeling like a bit of a spare part at the moment). But it won't be long before the paternal side of things catches up (as long as he lets it).

I mean, in all likelihood he's over consumed with his work and not engaging enough in family life, but he's blindly doing his best to provide for his family. You can't have it both ways.

Oh what balls. She's described a man who literally won't lift a finger at home, even if she says "I'm exhausted today but the kids still need a bath".

Option C - tough it out until they are both in primary. Stay working part time. Enjoy the other 3 days a week to yourself.

Don’t have any more kids.

Ok on the washing but sitting down to eat a meal and there be none for him?

They're 5 and 2, they probably eat earlier than he does anyway during the week. OP could just eat at the same time as the kids and leave him to sort himself out.

Something needs to change as the resentment will increase which isn’t healthy. I would sit him down and say he needs to step up and parent his children and help out more. Say to him If he doesn’t take it on board you will need to arrange some marriage counselling as you can’t continue like this. Failing that the marriage will breakdown and is that what he wants.
Can I just ask, because I was guilty of this, if he does try and do something and he doesn’t do it as you would. Does it make you feel cross so you don’t bother asking again?

Yeah i suppose so. It’s not going to sort op’s problems out though. He’ll get in and start messing around cooking in the kitchen when everything is already done and dusted . I’d rather just leave him his bowl of pasta or whatever.

He strikes me as the kind of guy that would just buy takeaway rather than cook for himself, but I take your point.

I think OP underestimates the amount of work he makes for her when she's thinking about her situation, to be honest.

She's holding onto this idea of getting the days off but quite a lot of her workload would poof out of existence without him.

This is really tough and I’m sorry you’re having to consider this.

i think the thing is the impact on the kids perception of what a healthy relationship is. Unhappy parents can sometimes leave kids unhappy, they fundamentally want their parents to be happy.

is it worth an ultimatum with couples counselling as part of it? It doesn’t sound totally unsalvageable though I can completely understand why you’ve lost hope

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that if you need a break from domestic life you just have to take it. Forget if the house is “trashed”. Forget if things aren’t done to your standard. You just have to walk out the door for an hour and get that alone time.

I used to go out for a solo walk right after tea every night when my DD was young, listening to podcasts. Her Dad would be in charge. If they had spent the time getting all the crayons out and colouring for an hour and the kitchen wasn’t cleaned up in that hour then I really didn’t care - I’d had my break and that was the important thing. I also lowered my standards on what a lived in house with young kids looks like.

Over time, that hour they had together became their special time, he looked forward to it. It grew to longer times. They did things their own way. They formed their relationship. She knew Daddy’s way of doing things was different to mine. He learned how to be a Dad through being left to cope.

I’m head over heart op.

Dh and I have had one rough patch in an almost 30 year relationship, we did sort it out thank goodness by talking about it over a few months. It wasn’t domestic related but his family related.

I dont mean this rudely but I think you should consider whether you are enabling him. Why are you dressing your daughter etc. on your work day / the day he takes her? Firstly if shes 5 she can dress herself but secondly if you dont do it, he will have to do it.

I have a few friends like this, they drop their work hours so thay they only work term time / part time and so its inevitable that most of the childcare goes to them and the children seek them out. Also at this age kids largely prefer their mums and will go to you.

My other friend does things like when she goes anywhere, she prepares snacks for the husband or packs the kids swimming bags so he doesnt have to. Again, this is actually a problem with the mother being controlling and unable to let go rather than the man being unable to get a kid ready for swimming. I am guilty of this myself because I like things done in a particular way for the kids and so I do a lot for them. If your husband is a good person as you describe, he may not gey your daughter ready the way you would, but just leave them to it.

Soetimes we are so good at being mums theres no room for anyone else to try.

Sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel, if he’s the kind man you say he is, surely something will wake him up to the fact his wife is considering divorce.

There's this weird dissonance where he's not a bad or cruel man, yet he will look at her like it's not his problem if she's exhausted. 👀

Well, if you withdraw, don't do his washing or cook for him or do any other stuff that includes him then perhaps he'll decide to end the marriage. I'm not saying that you should continue as if you are happy with the situation, but not sitting him down and saying how unhappy you are and trying to get him to change and then just ignoring him isn't likely to get the result you want. Suppose he walked into the house and just announced the marriage was over? What have you achieved?

Hi Op, my situation is extremely similar, I’ve got 2 children under 6, and even down to working in a school and working the number of days you do! I share your issues about a husband who sees himself as essentially single and my resentment used to cause awful rows. Until both were at school, then I had a significant chunk of time to myself and it was heaven, I felt like I could recoup and suddenly my resentment began to lessen as I changed my mindset to ‘you’re bringing in the money an I am able to be happy as I’ve got lovely time off and I can cope with this balance’. With me being happier and more relaxed with my own life somewhat reinstated (gym, mum friends coffees) he became nicer and more respectful and picked up his game: we chatted and I said that I’d previously wanted to leave and that he had changed for the better. After that conversation, he was sorry and reflected on how he shouldn’t have had children (!!!) and wasn’t ready (!!!) but was enjoying them more now! We agreed in that chat that he would take them out every Saturday morning to bond. This has been a dream and they’ve become closer and in turn he wants to do more. I wanted to say that things can change and when you get some head space you’re able to rationalise, however crazy your rationale (such as mine which was genuinely ‘haha you’re at work and I’m having coffee, time to get my own back!), it can change the dynamics. I never thought my husband could change as much as he has. And I appreciated his brutal honesty. Hope this makes sense, and I’m fully aware this could change again but then I will go back to the ‘ahhh 2.5 days off that you’re paying for! And that gives me power to get through to the better times. For me, breaking up has been th last resort.

Do you have a running away fund? Any money of your own? Can you afford home help of any sort? My neighbours teenage daughter used to be a mother's help after school, IE entertaining the kids for a couple of hours while mum cooked tea or whatever. It's just a tiny respite but could make a difference.

Of course that doesn't address the issue of your lazy arse husband, he's not likely to change, but I'm thinking of how to make life a bit easier for you at the moment.

@carbibarbie haha you’re at work and I’m having coffee

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 What a brilliant piece of schadenfreude after he left you to do the bulk of the childcare in the pre-school years! Absolutely love it!