To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

Do you really want your life. I would suggest upping your hours and getting your own career back on track and then leaving. Women reduce hours, meaning they don’t get paid or Pension years credit or a pension. They plough themselves in parenting which is unpaid the other parents does less and less and less and meanwhile their career goes from strength to strength.

I would suggest you actually get a job and plough into your career as this marriage is going to implode and you need your own money.

Phrase it as I have noticed I am doing 99% of everything and actually I know you want to be a more present parent and therefore I want to work full time. We will pay for wrap around care and do 50/50 of all parenting each so we can both progress?

Some of these questions 😂

Because I was obviously old when I had him what do you think!?

OP, of course yanbu.
It sounds very sensible.
Get to a place where you can take a break.
Excellent advice to pretend he doesn't exist.
If you could move to a spare bedroom, do it.
Cut out anything that benefits him even slightly.
Cook food that the children enjoy.
Good men aren't shit husbands and fathers.

He's a selfish arse that cares only for himself.
He has a single life with the comforts of a family and home.

Carry on as you are and focus on yourself and anything that makes your life easier.

Plan for a future that he becomes redundant.

He could, she can't control that. I mean she is currently planning on staying essentially to use him for his money so anything goes at that point.

I get it and I think you should stay, at least for the time being.

I would look to increase your earnings though so you've got options.

And your husband really should be less useless, for everyone's sakes.

True!! Women should make sure they are financially independent before having children, so if the relationship ends, they can afford to leave. I would hate to have to stay in a doomed relationship because I didn’t have the money to leave.

You could have one final stab at saving your relationship by spelling out to him very clearly that you are rapidly going off him due to his lack of interest in his own child so the options are that you split up and he is a weekend dad or a 50/50 dad or he pulls his finger out and does his fair share and you will THINK about your relationship with him.

I really think you are right with this. He can only take advantage of her if she allows him to. I know it's not that easy in practice. It depends on one's character. I don't think OP has that type of self-assurance, but perhaps she can learn!

I agree with this post. Why did you have another child with someone like this.

I don’t think I am depressed because I’m not going for promotions I don’t even want 😂

The children’s school doesn’t have much wraparound. If they are to stay at current school I have to stay part time. There’s no way around this. And that’s 100% what I want.

I don’t think I’m depressed but I am worn out and fed up with never getting to breathe in peace from 6 in the morning until gone 8 at night. Then snatching an hour to catch up on everything then the whole thing starts again. Maybe that does sound bleak but I know it isn’t forever so I can survive. But I do need some light at the end of the tunnel.even if that is only ‘during term time you’ll have Wednesdays and Thursdays as you days.’ Get me?

I can see why it seems like a good idea OP and there is no reason not to do so if you can rub along resenting him without it bubbling over into an unpleasant environment. I couldn't but I wear my every emotion on my sleeve.

I would certainly be having a talk to him and letting him know that your marriage is at breaking point and you need him you step up. Not making lists for him to follow, he needs to be present and engaged. The kids will get used to it.

Is this not just a request for more sustained effort from OP in order to lure some kind of response from a husband who seems resolutely checked out? Yet more onus on the wife, more work, more thought, more energy, more expectation. On the offchance it might work.

This is two grown adults who share a household and children. Why should it fall to OP to do these gymnastics in the hope that at some point in future he might make her a cup of tea? The bar is on the floor, it really is.

It's the sons of women with zero expectations of men that go out and recreate this with wives as adults. And so it continues....

I wish you'd show some of your fight and anger that you show towards other posters to where it matters - your husband!

I think you going to have to have it throughly out with him
and sort it out properly
if money is flush you could outscoure as much as possible
cleaning childcare
make sure you get some time to yourself

hes like a lot of blokes self focused
so take a leaf out of his book

as if you simply just divorce
you will still be doing the vast majority

You're in your 60s, if your username is anything to go by, and your solution is for the OP to change HER behaviour and do even MORE.

Together with the "never mind the man who's a shit, why aren't you all furious over the imaginary woman I made up who's a shit" person... a thread about a lazy selfish man who doesn't give a shit about his family brings them all to the yard, doesn't it.

And what would be the point of that, other than a bad feeling in the house, which would upset the children?

I don’t think I’ve said anything bad on the thread, though. I’ve defended myself against some of the more idiotic comments but I haven’t done so aggressively or horribly; I’m not like that.

I’m even more baffled actually as the quote you posted is perfectly polite and calm. Anyway …

'Get me', 'Idiotic comments', lol, this is all fight and agression!

And the point of it all is to improve things for you. As a teacher, you should also know that not everything in life is fluffy bunnies and sometimes a bad feeling will happen. At least yours would be on the back of a good reason!
You do not have to talk to your husband in front of your children. If he sulks and behaves badly in front of them then he is just cementing the fact he's a crap catch.

I know exactly what your point is: I watched my friends go through this, weaponised incompetence. They lost all respect for their (non)partners. It's like having your back against a wall of their mess through their idleness.

Your children have taken all this in and will treat him with the same contempt as they get older. You will have their love, admiration and help throughout your life. If he ever needs them when they are adults he will get his comeuppance!

I hope you have a lovely day or so when your youngest is in nursery.

Stay in your marriage. Teacher here. Kids now teens. It will get better.

Your children are still very young and it does get easier as they get older. They become less dependent on you and you are no longer the default parent. You probably can’t imagine this happening now; I never could but it does.

Similar age gap when mine were young and it was bloody hard. I was teaching four days and it felt like solo parenting. DH worked FT and lots of travel daily so his tiredness trumped mine. Life felt like a never ending to-do list of house stuff, school stuff and kids / their school stuff. Parenting is hard work. Parenting young kids is especially hard work. The job is hard work.

I used to fantasise about booking myself into a hotel for a weekend but never did it. I did too much: he did too little. Looking back now, I should have cared less about stuff like housework. Maybe try emailing DH or even writing him a letter to explain how worn down you are. If nothing changes, both kids in full-time school will definitely ease things for you.

Sending you love and strength from the other sidexx❤️

Eh, what on earth does my age have to with it @ThatCyanCat ?
Isn’t an Older woman allowed to have an opinion? Or is it just that her opinion is wrong by definition?
Methinks we have another ageist misogynist in the yard! 😠
I ‘m just sensibly suggesting that OP is perhaps making life too easy for her DH. She perhaps needs to ask him to do tasks and keep asking.
Please calm down!😌

My DP was much better than yrs. But - when youngest was about 3 - I started going way for a long weekend. Friday afternoon - Sunday afternoon. Every 2 months. Worked for me - something you could do?

Haven't RTFT.

I'm sure someone else has mentioned it - is he open to counselling? It's the kind of thing you can talk though and find a way of making better IF both of you agree you want to give it a go.

In the meantime, I'd second the idea of you working more hours, BOTH paying for outside help if you can and building up an escape plan and pension.

OP have you considered counselling? Would he agree? Could you make him go?

Another idea: would you get the 30 hours free childcare? It would give you a break from parenting.

sorry things are so tough

Yes I agree , it does require more effort , but perhaps a different kind of effort.
For example, putting a basket of laundry into his arms. Once he’s got a firm hold of the basket, saying ‘As you’re going upstairs please put these things into the airing cupboard and bring the basket down with you.’
Of COURSE she shouldn’t have to do this.! I’m merely suggesting a behaviour change which I believe should make a difference; not just ‘the off chance .’
Do you not think , then, that OP might benefit from being more authoritative?
Are you a paid up member of the Association of Doormats❓