To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

The only other thing I can think of is to literally let everything go unless it concerns the basics of keeping you and the kids afloat. You and the kids need to be fed, clean, clean clothes and at school and work on time. Everything else just leave it. This includes anything for him or anyone else, housework beyond very basic hygiene etc.

sounds like his life is pretty cushty right now. Time for that to change.

Embarrass him by getting a babysitter in while he is there so you can have free time. When he questions it tell him that you pay to now pay someone to give you are break as their own father is apparently not able.

Maybe he could do a parenting class.

Im not sure how you are putting up with that. I mean my husband isn't perfect either but hes a great Dad.

On the staying so you won't have to work full time, I dont get this. I dont like working full time either but I will keep my independence and not rely on a man. Plenty of women work full time these days.

He’d just put it down and say yeah in a minute and it would still be there three hours later.

Ask me how I know …

It probably feels like you've been a parent forever but you haven't and things change. It is possible to communicate in a relationship and change things! In my experience dads can find their role easier as the kids get older. My dh didn't do a huge amount when the kids were small but now coaches football, taxis them everywhere and no longer minds attending kids parties as he knows more of the parents. I went back full time eventually and then there was no confusion that he had to do 50%. I drew up a rota of who was taking the kids and left the house as early as I could and left him to it. He had to cope.

If he's that awful then leave. Dont stay an unhappy marriage so you can enjoy part time when the kids are at school. Part time can be quite lonely. If you've got mum friends who are off you might discover they all go back full time when their kids are in school.

Was your husband like this before you had children?

Agree, this is exactly what I do with my other half when he's being lazy or taking me for granted again, which he will do now and then. I literally give him jobs to do, it's like a reminder. He then will ask after the jobs if anything else needs doing...

Communication is key. The OP keeps saying he won't do it, so no point in talking to him. Not to say anything and quietly seethe is not healthy and not the answer.

Yes that’s literally the point of the thread - is it better to put up with a shit husband and be able to stay with PT working? No need to be arsey about it though…..

Anyway, I have accepted (more or less, with admittedly bad grace) that I’m parenting alone. That’s why I’m no longer even bothering to ask / tell / beg. I assume he won’t do anything. I can’t force him and whether that’s sustainable going forward I don’t know. But I’m only really thinking in terms of the next 2-3 years. I hope things don’t get to the point where I may have to end them: equally this may have to be something I give serious consideration to if things don’t improve.

I’m wondering what her husband was like before having children? Did he help with the chores without being asked or was OP doing it all? Did he help with their first child?

She can hardly drag him physically out of bed can she? He’s the lazy bum not her.

Haven't read everything but a few thoughts:
Teachers in June are wrecked..totally. Don't make any decisions until you have a few weeks holidays.
If you can go to your parents as soon as school ends and get a rest. Hopefully they are supportive and helpful. Start during the holidays going out every Saturday morning for hours and leave him cope. Just go! Explain nothing. Leave nothing ready ..food etc. He will survive.
This might be controversial but here goes. My sons are in their 30s. If l got a whiff from their partners that they weren't pulling their weight l would take them to pieces. Has his mother any idea of the lazy piece of work he is and is there any way of dropping some hints eg if staying with them for the weekend go out early and let her see how useless he is.

No. And wasn’t even this bad with just one, although when I look back I can see the tendencies were there. It’s something that’s gradually happened, he’s slowly become more and more detached from us and we’re now at this point where he will say things like ‘what is your plan for the weekend?’ (Meaning - hope you’re going to fuck off with the kids so I get the house to myself.)

It has been a gradual shift and I probably could have done things differently in allowing things to get this far but this is where they are now.

No, YANBU @nothingcancompare . At some point, most people realise they've got to be pragmatic.

I hear you re the disappointment and exhaustion marrying a worthless man brings (sorry, much as you may claim he's 'kind', he's worthless as a partner); not to mention realising that you've missed the boat career-wise and you don't really have any options to improve life on that front either.

It wouldn't be my choice to stay in a relationship like yours, but I completely understand the practicality of staying for the freedom it gives you in terms of a full time salary to add to the household budget. As terrible as it sounds, I wish I could go back to the much younger me and tell myself to marry a rich guy. As I age, I think there's a lot to be said for well considered arranged marriages.

Are you still having sex with him?

Oh god and me! I used to think arranged marriages were terrible; now I just think they are sensible.

Controversial, perhaps, but I’d refuse all and anything sex related to meet his needsxx😊😂

Me too! I think my parents would have chosen well for me. I'd have let my sister have a vote, too. 😂

And we all know that’s so easy now with women’s wages being pushed down as men’s go up, and house prices being out of touch with wages for nearly 30 years.

My sympathies op, I’m in a not-dissimilar situation. People of our generation expected men to start treating us as equals and taking on parenting more, yet the economy tanked and here we are.

Not unreasonable to consider staying in your circs. Other stuff to consider:
*GP - are you actually unwell (anaemia/menopause/ thyroid stuff etc)?
*Couples counselling if you think there's potential for him to change.
*Moving house? Are you in a good location for your current set up of him not doing anything? Close to family / friends? Could moving give you more support?
*Babysitting support - no you shouldn't have to, but if you had a teenager looking after the kids you could claim an evening activity out of the house for you. Sell to the teenager as your husband is still working from home during the evening. As he's an adult, in the house and I'm sure somebody who would respond to a proper emergency you could go with somebody young and relatively inexpensive.

I do understand this situation...
That's why I'm gently suggesting that perhaps it be be good to push a bit harder As in, 'I was hoping you would do it now, as I want to ..."
Have you fully explored really sticking with it, and perhaps reminding him etcetera? I know it's wearing, but I do believe one gets there in the end, or at least , one gets somewhere.

Look OP, then I think it is fair to say the marriage is largely over, but its not unreasonable for you to play clever and suit yourself until the children are bigger, the morgage is smaller and you have a chance to plan.

There is nothing to lose by just no longer doing anything that benefits him.
No laundry, cooking or shopping.

No need for an argument, you just didn't get a chance, on a loop.

He suits himself, you do the same.
Be honest with family and friends, don't hide it. He has zero interest in the children or family life, so you just have to get on with it.

Don't cover for him with the children, just tell the truth when they ask, Dad would prefer to stay home, be on his own. Just the truth so they learn to accept it.

You need to think like you are on your own, because you are.
But don't put yourself out for him.
If you have a spare bedroom that would give you some valuable personal space.

Unless he’s going to have the kids 50/50, I don’t see how splitting will improve things TBH, you’ll just be poorer and still doing most/all of the work. You say that if you could just have a break, it would make things ok - could you afford an au pair or similar? Or put the kids in a holiday club and have some time to yourself over the summer?

Also...i wouldn't assume that he will never have the kids 50 50. What often happens:
Divorced man meets woman with children or a woman who wants a child
Man wants to show woman how much of a family man he is so take a sudden interest in his own kids
When they live together he tries to get 50 50 because he has someone else to do the wirework and he wants to stop paying maintenance

Because I think it's a right shame that a woman (hm) with over 60 years of life experience still thinks the answer to a lazy selfish man is for the wife slave to do even more and be the one to change. I would have hoped that you'd be wiser than that.

But evidently not.

Men are far more likely to go for 50/50 when children are older an more self sufficient, like both plus 8 or so.

So much easier.
The same men that never lifted a finger during the tough younger years.

Don't rule it out.

When a man is as selfish as OPs husband is, meanness is never far behind and it is always a possibility.