To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

You don't sound at all like a toddler mum.

Divorce wouldn't be the worst option here

Hands up, I’ll admit to it!

Im religious so that is a factor is staying in my marriage, I vowed to stay with this man so I intend to.

But I also wouldn’t want to give up our house, the kids living with both parents, other financial stuff.

But I resent his lack of parenting among other things and the bit I’m dreading is the kids leaving and me looking this person who I can’t say in my heart I want to be with. I intend to make a lot of girlfriends and take up a lot of hobbies!

Being a single parent is hard. You’ll have the load you have now plus a lot of loneliness and having to navigate the pain and incomprehension of your children. It’s not an easy fix just because you’re fed up with your husband. Wait until you have to negotiate dating with a new man and his family etc. Not easy.
What you talk about is common in many marriages. Can you not just see this as a rough patch which many couples go through and that you’ll come through the other side? Could you remember what you saw in him? Could you sit him down and tell him you miss what you used to have and how good it would be if you were on the same page again?
If you can’t stand your husband and have lost all love for him, then the upheaval may be worth it. But it doesn’t sound like it, just that you’re fed up of doing everything and resent his laziness. Please talk to him about this and suggest seeking marriage counselling.

This is why there is a rise in middle-aged divorce, usually initiated by the woman. By the time the children are grown, there's no love left. It baffles me that men who are supposed to love their partners and families are willing to treat their partners so selfishly. It's not loving to take advantage of a partner like this. If you can bear if, stick it out because as useless as he is, at least it gives you a back up. But get ready to leave when you can.

That sounds very sad.

You're in the trenches now. Your partnership feels imbalanced (and in your case it sounds like it really is imbalanced).

When ours were those ages I was also part time and did the bulk of child related stuff. His shifts meant he wasn't home in the morning. I did the household stuff. He'd sometimes do bath time and/or bedtime. He'd happily get them dressed and sort out breakfast or other meals on weekends he was around (although in questionable outfits!). Unlike some of the dads I read about on here, he always engaged with the kids, enjoyed their time together, talked and played with them. It was hard for him to be involved in their sports and hobbies on weekends as he worked weekend shifts.

I don't understand why or how your husband doesn't see that time getting ready and teeth brushing and bathtimes and reading a book before bed and playing with lego or tea sets or whatever as the whole bloody point of being a parent. That's the joy! Those are the memory making moments. It's not just about big holidays, little kids remember those nurturing routines, that feeling of safety and comfort and silliness. Sure, it can also be stressful and annoying and kids can be proper slugs but why's he OK on missing out on that stuff?

More fool him.

Our kids are now all teenagers. My husband is a great dad of teens, he's very involved in their sports and hobbies, he's trained as a coach, he's joined committees. He cooks more meals now. Him and the boys spend a lot of their social time socialising with each other and shared groups of friends. He used to work in youth work and he had a very different upbringing, he's proud of our kids and supports them to be themselves.

There are still things I take the lead on like arranging uni open day visits but the amount of taxiing around is split pretty evenly. It helped that he moved up into a job with fewer weekend shifts. It also helped when I went full time and income increased.

Does he annoy me? Yes. Do I love him? Yes. Are we a better partnership now in the family and household? Absolutely.

What happens if you go away for the weekend? I get the sense that he'd be asking for help or leave the house in a mess. I'd say LET HIM. Have you read The Let Them Theory? Leave him to work it out. He needs to understand the difference you make.

Do you love him? Fancy him? Does he have qualities that you admire and like? Has your disappointment in him as a father clouded any positivity you felt about him? Does he even know how hot it is to see a man care for a small child?

What was his upbringing like? Does he realise things have changed?

If you genuinely want to leave him, the amount of labour you do for the children won't change but the amount of labour you do for him will disappear. You would have to let him do his own thing when he has the kids though. And it sounds like you don't think he'd be good enough at that.

You don't have to accept that this is the way things are. I hear that he'll always bring up the kids arguing. Be prepared for that to come up. Keep calm.

It's coming up to Father's Day. Ask him what kind of father he wants to be, what kind of Dad his children need, what does he admire in other dads. Is he competitive? Why doesn't he want to be the actually best dad in the world? He's being a shit husband at the moment and a half arsed dad.

He isn’t actually cruel or unkind.

He kind of is though.

He has no interest in the kids & makes sure he never has to have them as presumably he sits like a useless lump whilst they "trash the place" & then leaves you to deal with the aftermath.

Well, at least you have owned it.

’old and ugly enough’ is a saying. It doesn’t necessarily mean you think of yourself as ugly. I’m fairly ordinary looking; scrub up well enough. But I am approaching fifty and would be unlikely to get a promotion. Nor do I want one!

Nor would I say I am unhappy in my marriage, as strange as that may sound. But I am struggling with having absolutely no time for me.

If I posted about that, as I have in the past, you get pages of ‘are you a single parent? Where’s your partner in all this? Why can’t your partner have them?’ And the answer is just that he won’t. It isn’t as simple as just going out and leaving him to it when that leaves me hours of work that evening or the following day. I’m not an idiot and I’m not going to do that to myself.

So it’s fairly simple (I think anyway)

What do I want / need right now? I need some time for myself. I am constantly running around from dawn till dusk serving other people and I need some quiet time where this happens.

How do I achieve this? Well ideally I could ask DH and he’d step up but that’s not going to happen. So - I think well, in just over a year they will both be at school full time and if I continue with my current working pattern, that gives me two regular days off a week to catch up on housework, exercise, self care, just doing what the hell I want! I can’t now because I still have a child home with me but it isn’t that far off.

Because that seems better to me than LTB, but I get others disagree.

I get that but I do still distinguish between purposefully unkind and thoughtlessly so.

OP, I was in a very similar position for a few years. The main difference was that my husband was emotionally involved with someone else and useless. Like you, though, staying together allowed me to work part-time and be present for my young children.
I eventually left when the emotional affair became a physical one. My children were 3 and 6 at the time, and I won't sugar-coat it, the first year was incredibly HARD.
Even when a partner isn't pulling their weight, there are still things you subconsciously rely on them for. It's not necessarily the day-to-day parenting, but just having another adult there. Someone to deal with an emergency, someone to stay with a sick child while you nip out etc. You don't realise how much those small things matter until you're doing absolutely everything yourself.
When the children are little, life can feel relentless. School runs, childcare, work, cooking, cleaning, keeping the house running, remembering all the appointments and forms and clubs. It all falls on your shoulders. The practical and mental load can be enormous.
That's not to say leaving was the wrong decision for me. It wasn't. But I do think people sometimes underestimate just how difficult single parenting can be, particularly in the early years. Whatever you decide, make sure you're looking at the reality of day-to-day life rather than just the relationship itself, because that's the bit you'll be living with every single day.

I still dont understand why paying for help (if you can afford it), isnt an option?

I agree, but I imagine it’s not very unusual. And things may get better once the kids get older. Who knows. Or we’ll muddle along.

Not at all unreasonable to stay! Wouldn't it be lovely if it was as simple as just talking to DH and he magically changes his ways. Sadly, I think the only thing you can do is try to reframe your relationship in your head to see if that helps slightly with the resentment. He's not a co-parent, just a source of financial stability. Keep reminding yourself of how much your 5-year-old has changed over the last couple of years (eg no longer needing you overnight) - your 3-year-old will change too, will become more independent and need your constant support less. So hopefully in time you will feel less drained.
Are you able to put any money aside into a personal savings account? One day, you may decide the time is right to leave, and it would be good if you had a little bit of money to get started with. Even just £10 a month will add up given that you'll probably be saving for many years.

Because the only help that would help would be a nanny or housekeeper which isn’t in budget unfortunately.

Nothing wrong with waiting a year and seeing how it goes. It’s easy for people to say burn your life down. Either things will get easier as you hope or your resentment will grow to the point where you decide to leave. No rush

By this point thoughtlessness is purposeful. He isn't stupid, blind or deaf. It is absolutely purposeful. It probably isn't sadistic but a man who doesn't give a shit about your wellbeing will give you much the same life as one who enjoys seeing you destroy yourself.

Or something like a childminder one afternoon a week. Just to give you a bit of breathing space

Possibly but I guess that’s the point; we’ll have that in a year. He’s already in nursery 3 days a week which I kind of think is enough for a child not yet 3, tbh.

What about learning to change your behaviour?
Make a point of asking hime to do little jobs - start very small, something that will only take a moment. Aim to build up to bigger requests.
I think you should be able to get somewhere if you really persist. You've said he's basically lazy. So ask him to do something that's little effort and let him realise that you won't give up, so he finds it easier to do the task than not to.
It will require sustained effort from you.
Also, don't forget that his nicer side may come to the fore as the children grow up and become more independent. I normally get shouted down for saying this. But I'm trying to match your realism. You've said he's basically a nice man, and he'll probably start to be much nicer and bring you cups of tea once the kids are grown up. I know it's a long way in the future atm!

How is it not on purpose to not deal with kids, put them to bed, watch a mess being made & leave it for someone else?

Are you sure he even likes you?

But that assumes he’ll do it. He won’t.

Is that supposed to be a helpful question? Sorry, it isn’t.

His laziness sounds habitual. It would drive me up the wall. He doesn't love you or he wouldn't sit there and let you run yourself into the ground, IMO.

Sorry haven't rtft but could you go away for a long weekend or even a week? Plan it in 4 x a year? He'll have to step up, at least you'll get some kind of break once a quarter that way. If the house is trashed it would be trashed if you went for 3 hours or 3 days so doesn't seem to make a difference.

Hang on, how are you approaching fifty if you have a two-year-old? You must have had kids super-late. (To me, approaching fifty means being 48 or 49.)

Not relevant, I'm just curious.

Also, in your opening post, you said you work in a school, which I took to mean that you're on the admin side. But now I see that you're actually a teacher. That is a hard job with many extra hours outside the classroom. No wonder you're knackered with all the responsibility for your own kids, too.

Edit: OP, you seem very low, maybe a little depressed. I can tell by the way you say nothing will work: Promotion not an option, communicating with husband not an option, etc. People get like that when they are depressed.

I'm so sorry and I really hope you're able to get some rest and see a way to change things.