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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know you will say I am but here goes.......

282 replies

Kimi · 23/06/2008 20:57

I am the one with the DH1 and the new DP
DH1 and I together 23 years 2 lovely kids then drifted apart.... Still love the the man to bits, just can't be a couple right now, we are however still a family and do a lot together see each other every day and get on so much better now.

I have a new DP who was a friend for a long time to DH1 and I, and who loves me and looks after me and my children and gets on well with DH1 (to whom I am still married)

Any way we did not shout our break up from the roof tops, friends and family know but a lot of people don't.

So DS2 is a beaver and as far as everyone at beavers knows Mr and Mrs Kimi are just that, there is one woman leader who has no concept of personal space and every time she speaks to DH1 she is about half and inch away and has to touch his arm, if you knew my DH1 you would know he does not like this.
So we have seen this woman a few times out side of beavers and she has been all DH1 this and DH1 that and has totally blanked me (I find this rude because as far as she knows I am his wife and we are happy).
She is also married so really should not be so um.... "friendly" with other men.
DH1 finds it uncomforitable and I find it bugs me.
A friend of mine who knows about the split says she is just like that, but I see her like that with DH1 more then any of the other dads.

I am not trying to have my cake and eat it, and I am not throwing my toys out of the pram but to put it bluntly she pisses me off by being so bloody rude, If I see anyone I know when I am out who is with their partner I will always acknowlage the partner too.

Talk some reason in to me please ladies.

OP posts:
bergentulip · 23/06/2008 21:14

Of course you do not need to be horrid to eachother, and can be friends, and civil, and grown ups- great.

But, it would be a bit weird to call him your 'husband' after a divorce...... at least say 'my children's father' or something....... dunno if that is any better, but not quite so odd as referring to him as your husband in polite company, meanwhile loving DP / new husband standing next to you looking rather crest-fallen....

Hecate · 23/06/2008 21:15

Well, no, we wouldn't have said the same thing... Because you wouldn't have said the same thing!! So we'd have been responding to a totally different OP.

except I'd still have said that thing about invisibility.

Original poster
Kimi · 23/06/2008 21:15

Even if she knows DH1 and I are seperated she is still rude to blank me is she not

OP posts:
AngelDoll · 23/06/2008 21:16

Out of interest, what do you tell DS1 to say about this? Does he have to remember that nobody must knows about it? ie a secret? or does he think you and DH are still together?

umberella · 23/06/2008 21:16

I would not be saying the same if it was your DP -because you are in a mutually exclusive relationship. the same obviously doesn't apply to your relationship with 'dh1'.

Hecate · 23/06/2008 21:16

Yes kimi. She is.

themildmanneredjanitor · 23/06/2008 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

umberella · 23/06/2008 21:18

yes - rude to blank you but you are still being a little bit unreasonable in my opinion.

Original poster
Kimi · 23/06/2008 21:20

Bergen, we are not divorced yet, so in the eyes of the law he is my husband.

The point is I think she is rude for blanking me (more then once). She is married and DH1 has no intrest in her full stop.

I see no point in DH1 and I hating each other as there is nothing to hate, we have 2 children and no one did anything wrong, it is sad but it is life we grew apart.

I am sure he will meet and marry someone and if when he does I will be nice to her.

I just find this woman rude.

OP posts:
Rachmumoftwo · 23/06/2008 21:20

DS has said nothing? You mean you have asked him? It sounds like you are in a strange situation with your relationships. What do your children think about it? Do they know? Do you tell them not to talk about it to other people? It all sounds rather unhealthy to me tbh.

myredcardigan · 23/06/2008 21:21

At the risk of being flamed, I think you're acting petulant especially your whole, 'I could go home anytime I wanted to' attitude. Sounds like you don't fancy him anymore, you want to sleep with someone else but you don't want him to. I'm sure she is being slightly rude, but I don't think that's the real issue here.

Dior · 23/06/2008 21:22

Message withdrawn

themildmanneredjanitor · 23/06/2008 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hecate · 23/06/2008 21:24

eh?

themildmanneredjanitor · 23/06/2008 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bergentulip · 23/06/2008 21:27

Yes, ok, she was rude.

But I still think you have not let this relationship go, just judging by the way you phrased a lot of the OP.

And you did say something like 'even if you do get divorced, you will still not call him your ex'.. so what would you call him then? Surely not still your husband?
Just wondering what word you could use if not 'ex-husband'?

Or do you actually think you'll never get a divorce and one day get back together?

--I never said it was a bad thing you are friends with your DH1, but I just don't think that's all there is to it.

My DH's parents are divorced and get on like a house on fire. Both married again years back. I know it works. Not 'diss-ing' that!!

Original poster
Kimi · 23/06/2008 21:28

Both my children are free to say what ever they like.
Mum and Dad are still mum and dad, when we split we told family and friends, we did not feel the need to take oput an add in the paper, or become a subjuct of the gossips.
I ask DS if he had said mum and dad split up and he said no.
So as far as I know this woman does not know, even if she does know that does not give her a right to be rude.
Also when DH1 meets someone else she will have something to do with me as she will be involved in bringing up out children.
Dh1 will not be having any more children as he has had the snip and does not want more (we talked about this) just as I wont be having any more (DP has none and Imade it clear I was not having more)

I don't think it is unhealthy not to wany to bandy your life about the school gates, nor is it unhealthy for DH1 and I to still like each other nor raise our children as together as we can, it is unhealthy for children to see their parents fight, and bitch and be used as pawns (and by god I have seen that here and in real life)

This woman is rude, and it bugs me, what I was asking was AIBU to be pissed off by her rudeness.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimi · 23/06/2008 21:28

I will call him my first husband.

OP posts:
dramaqueen · 23/06/2008 21:29

Perhaps SHE is separated and no-one knows? Perhaps she has told her ds to say nothing of it and so is in exactly your situation and is single (unlikely I admit). So may be it is just 2 single people flirting? And your ex husband may actually like her flirting with him, but he certainly isn't going to say so to you.

It sounds as if you need to move things on and become an ex wife.

AngelDoll · 23/06/2008 21:29

Kimi, yes this woman is being rude but you are coming over a leetle obsessed about it.

Why not just think, "How rude", then go home to your DP??

I normally try to be vvv supportive on threads esp in the AIBU threads because most times, people just want a bit of virtual TLC and I am more than happy to give it. However the more I read from your answers the more I'm afraid I agree with myredcardigan.

bergentulip · 23/06/2008 21:30

"I don't think it is unhealthy not to wany to bandy your life about the school gates, nor is it unhealthy for DH1 and I to still like each other nor raise our children as together as we can, it is unhealthy for children to see their parents fight, and bitch and be used as pawns (and by god I have seen that here and in real life)

This woman is rude, and it bugs me, what I was asking was AIBU to be pissed off by her rudeness. "

No one is disagreeing with any of that.
But, you are side-stepping all these questions about whether this relationship is really, really over for you in your head?

umberella · 23/06/2008 21:30

and how does any of this have anything to do with the op??!

agree there are many more issues here and yes, it is vv dog in the manger.

bergentulip · 23/06/2008 21:31

"I don't think it is unhealthy not to wany to bandy your life about the school gates, nor is it unhealthy for DH1 and I to still like each other nor raise our children as together as we can, it is unhealthy for children to see their parents fight, and bitch and be used as pawns (and by god I have seen that here and in real life)

This woman is rude, and it bugs me, what I was asking was AIBU to be pissed off by her rudeness. "

No one is disagreeing with any of that.
But, you are side-stepping all these questions about whether this relationship is really, really over for you in your head?

umberella · 23/06/2008 21:31

and how does any of this have anything to do with the op??!

agree there are many more issues here and yes, it is vv dog in the manger.

AngelDoll · 23/06/2008 21:31

How'ja know your DP hasn't confided in her? He's hardly likely to tell you esp if there is a chance you and he could get back together, as you say.