To want to move back to england with my 5 children

[tryingtogohome]

Hi sorry if this is all over the place

I live in Poland with my partner who is Polish and we have 5 boys 15 11 5 3 and 10 months and im pregnant again 25 weeks

I keep thinking about leaving him and going back to England but then i think im being stupid because ive been here so long and dont even know where id start anymore.

I dont really have anybody. No family. I grew up in care and havent spoken to anyone from my past for years and years.

Things have got worse between me and my partner. Hes always saying what a real man should be and boys shouldnt cry and things like that. My 15 year old argues with him constanly (constantly) now and the whole house feels tense all the time.

This is going to sound silly but i keep feeling like this baby is a girl and every time i say it he gets annoyed. Not shouting just annoyed and says he doesnt want a daughter and what would he do with a girl and says hopefully im wrong. Maybe im overreacting but it upsets me more than it should.

I dont know if its hormones.

I keep looking at Doncaster and Rotherham and Sheffield on my phone when everyone is asleep and then crying because i dont even know if my children could go to school there after living here all this time or where we would live.

I know people will say leave if youre unhappy but it isnt that easy when youve got this many children and no money and nowhere to go.

Am i being unreasonable wanting to go back to England or does this sound completly mad after 11 years away

I do speak Polish, not perfectly but enough for day to day things and appointments and schools etc. I didnt when i first came here but i do now.

I dont really have any friends though. I had a couple years ago but not anymore. Everyone sort of drifted away and i dont really go anywhere without the children now.
All of the children are his. They were all born in England apart from the baby who is 10 months. He came early at 31 weeks and was in hospital for a while and thats part of whats panicing me this time because im pregnant again and keep worrying the same thing will happen.

I dont know about passports off the top of my head because my head is all over the place today. The older boys definitely have British passports. I think the younger ones do as well but I'd have to check.

Something happened yesterday that i cant stop thinking about. I went out with the baby and when i got back my partner had shaved my 3 year olds hair off. He had lovely little curls and now half his head is basically shaved. He said it was only hair and he was messing about but my little boy was crying and didnt want anyone looking at him.

Maybe that sounds stupid compared to bigger problems but it really upset me. Hes only 3.

God bless our wonderful NHS then who will treat anyone without question because its the right thing to do. Your lucky they haven't sent you a bill for each child you weren't a resident here for and your not thousands in debt OP.

I don’t think she has one. She said she grew up in care. Finding housing and work as a mum of six kids is no mean feat.
While the OP was born and raised in the UK, I’d class the kids as Polish. Polish will be their first language, they have lived there their whole lives and all their friends are there. They are basically like any kid over here who happens to have a foreign parent.

Hello I've read through this and think you should leave , however I don't think it's as easy as come back to England as others have said. This chap your with sounds like a true piece of shit.
Aside from that I read your post and thought practically what can this lady do?!
My thoughts are this
Set up a set up a separate polish bank account in your name

Go speak to the polish equivalent of citizens / department for advice / social suppport.what can you do to get somewhere to live etc

Then googling tells me you get hefty child benefits in poland starting school payouts and working supoort are these paid to you? If so start putting in your new bank account.
Start selling anything you can to put money away in new secret bank account.

Get all relevant documents you need for the kids and your self in one pack/ folder then hide them somewhere only you can get them.

Make bags up of essentials you'll need to leave slowly and hide them in plain site like laundry bags etc. or whatever you think is best.

When you have given birth to your daughter make sure you have another house place to stay lined up. Potentially ready for Nov/ Dec.

Then when he's at work keep the older kids of school but put the younger ones in nursery and your all going to leave together the older ones can help you carry belongings and your going to go to the new place . Your going to tell nursery about dad's behaviour shaving head is emotional abuse .dad is not allowed to collect for the moment.

Tell the older kids school the dad's behaviour it's abuse .

Wait untill your baby is old enough for you to get state subsidies nursery support ( it's very good in poland) and get a job it'll do you wonders .

You need to get contraception. Children are wonderful and a blessing but six is a lot to manage -7-8-9-10 isn't something that's going to do you any good.

Then get your kids some support and therapy there's a reason why the oldest is so angry.

That all may sound impossible but it's what I did ( in England granted) 12 years ago when I left my dds scumbag dad.

I have one question though how do you walk into a hospital in England and just give birth ,all your midwife stuffs in Poland?

I hope you find your power

She can if the childrens' father agrees to the move but it will be hsrd to settle with 6 children and no income. But of course she can being British.

The older children might not consider UK to be home or easily fit into education. I would be careful to move older children if they consider themselves more Polish than British. And settled into pne school system. Or it will not ebe an easy move and if no stable housing or stable income for a family of 7 persons it can be even hardere.

I think your choice is either to try and make it work as a single parent in Poland, which is probably the right thing to do for your DC who have grown up there and are enrolled in school there. I’m also thinking of the 15 yo who will surely be undertaking a version of GCSEs soon. If you upped and left this year, he’d be thrown into year 11 and forced to sit exams in Macbeth and the American West or whatever, he’d likely have zero clue what was going on and probably fail. It isn’t the right choice for him. You need to start researching the practicalities of single parenthood over there. Ask chat GPT if stuck, it can be enormously useful.

Or you return here for the birth and stay but as many others have said, he has every right to demand they’re returned to Poland and you risk losing custody entirely.

Thank you for your kind post.
I'll never get through it as it's been going on for years. It's horrible. I just want us all to move but it won't happen.
There's no happy ending 😞

I know this sounds obvious but have you tried having a proper sit down heart to heart with your DH?

Oh OP I'm so sorry. Ignore anyone who says you are being melodramatic. Postpartum depression can stem from feeling powerless and like everyone around you ignored your feelings. Take back control. As PPs have said start preparing for an exit, even if you don't go you will feel more in control of your life. Go back to the UK to have your baby with everything ready to go so you don't have to go back to Poland, and then decide what to do when there - you could seek help and explain your situation and try to stay in the UK, or go back to Poland. When you are in front of the authorities, charities etc in the UK you have the best chance of remaining. As PPs have said also prepare for your separated life in Poland - ensure all child benefits etc are paid to you, that you know how to get support with housing, what the legalities are around separated parents in Poland. This info gathering may also help you in making your decision - if eg you found that fathers generally get custody of the kids in Poland you may want to take them back to UK.

Alternatively do you have Polish residency? If so do you have the right to move anywhere in Europe? If so perhaps in time you could seek to move elsewhere- but with six ery young children that doesn't feel immediately practical. However could be a good future option to get further away from partner whilst not going all the way back to the UK.

But she can't move anywhere abroad unless he agrees. I also can't see how it would be beneficial to go to a brand new country where potentially none of them would speak the language.

I know people are trying to help but some of the suggestions are not helpful to the OP 😞
When the man who is meant to love and protect you emotionally abuses you and you're trapped in a country where you don't necessarily want to be but are there for that mean, it's horrible. Someone in this situation wouldn't have the mental capacity to start in a brand new country, and with 6 kids.

She doesn’t have family here. Her children have been raised as Polish. She would just be claiming thousands/millions in benefits over their lifetime

OP, have a read of this, it might be useful.
https://mapujpomoc.pl/en/list-of-organizations-supporting-victims-of-violence/

Why did you move to Poland in the first place? And please use contraception once baby no6 arrives so you don't end up with baby no7.

I think I’d stay with him as there are 6 children to consider. I imagine that would be very difficult for you to bring up alone in a separate country to their father. You have no support in the UK.

Agreed. Contraception is key here.

You do realise keeping women pregnant and vulnerable is often part of the cycle of abuse?

She says the baby wasn't planned, does that also mean he's interfered with her contraception?

Please think before you post

Is there a reason why you are not seeking support from Women's Aid in Poland, I'm sure they can arrange interpreter?

OP, you could call the OPOKA helpline: 0300 365 1700 (check out the website for more info) for legal advice and support. Good luck 🩵

Does Poland even have an equivalent of Womans Aid?

Sounds like staying in Poland is your only option but moving to a different part of Poland with your DC. Leaving to move back to the UK sounds like you could end up in a legal dispute with your partner and why unsettle all your DC? Get yourself settled in a safe place in Poland OP.

Op i think the place to start is the British Embassy see what help they can give you.

Your oldest boy is 15, when are the exam years and whats the school leaving age in Poland?
I think 15 could be a very difficult time to move.

But I do think you should arrange to be sterilised as soon as this baby is born. 6 kids is a lot even through they are spaced out it's a lot to try and support them all

Poland isn’t the third world! There will be support organisations that the OP can contact.
Another thing she can and should do is improve her Polish! It’s somewhat unacceptable to have lived in a country for that many years and not be fluent in the language.

Fortunately she’s unlikely to qualify for benefits, although I suppose it’s possible she’ll try to commit fraud to get them anyway.

The two-child cap would have been a disincentive here but sadly it’s been scrapped.

I’m sorry OP but you’re not taking in what people are saying.

1. If you take the children to England without his or a courts permission he will take them back and you may be convicted of kidnapping
2. Even if you got permission you would not qualify for benefits or housing from the council you would need to self fund these
3. You do not qualify for NHS care except in an emergency
4. The children do not qualify for school places in the UK as they are not residents there

You cannot simply move back. You need to separate from your husband in Poland, aim to get a job and support you all and, if possible, go through the courts to get permission to come back to UK. Then you need to look for a UK job before moving so you’re not homeless.

There’s so many unanswered questions.

Are you married?
Does your husband work?
What’s your status in Poland? Are you resident or citizen?
There’s social housing and support available in Poland. The child benefit alone is £160 per child per month.
Your best bet for now is to try separate from him and then plan moving back to the UK. You’ll need legal arrangement with him, no one is going to let you through the UK borders with 6 kids without asking questions.
I know this for sure as been in similar situation but with only one child. I had to have legal arrangement with the child’s father who remained in Poland while I moved to the UK.
It’s not impossible but will need to be strategically planned over time.

Settle in another EU country as a single mum without savings or job with a 7 persons family to take care of?

which EU country will provide you with (cheap?) housing for seven? The children will go to school in a new country not in Poilush or English? Which job would mum do for a living - or which EU country provide so well with benefits you would be able to have a good life with 6 kids as a newcomer? And you still ned dad to say "ok go for it".