To want to move back to england with my 5 children

[tryingtogohome]

Hi sorry if this is all over the place

I live in Poland with my partner who is Polish and we have 5 boys 15 11 5 3 and 10 months and im pregnant again 25 weeks

I keep thinking about leaving him and going back to England but then i think im being stupid because ive been here so long and dont even know where id start anymore.

I dont really have anybody. No family. I grew up in care and havent spoken to anyone from my past for years and years.

Things have got worse between me and my partner. Hes always saying what a real man should be and boys shouldnt cry and things like that. My 15 year old argues with him constanly (constantly) now and the whole house feels tense all the time.

This is going to sound silly but i keep feeling like this baby is a girl and every time i say it he gets annoyed. Not shouting just annoyed and says he doesnt want a daughter and what would he do with a girl and says hopefully im wrong. Maybe im overreacting but it upsets me more than it should.

I dont know if its hormones.

I keep looking at Doncaster and Rotherham and Sheffield on my phone when everyone is asleep and then crying because i dont even know if my children could go to school there after living here all this time or where we would live.

I know people will say leave if youre unhappy but it isnt that easy when youve got this many children and no money and nowhere to go.

Am i being unreasonable wanting to go back to England or does this sound completly mad after 11 years away

I do speak Polish, not perfectly but enough for day to day things and appointments and schools etc. I didnt when i first came here but i do now.

I dont really have any friends though. I had a couple years ago but not anymore. Everyone sort of drifted away and i dont really go anywhere without the children now.
All of the children are his. They were all born in England apart from the baby who is 10 months. He came early at 31 weeks and was in hospital for a while and thats part of whats panicing me this time because im pregnant again and keep worrying the same thing will happen.

I dont know about passports off the top of my head because my head is all over the place today. The older boys definitely have British passports. I think the younger ones do as well but I'd have to check.

Something happened yesterday that i cant stop thinking about. I went out with the baby and when i got back my partner had shaved my 3 year olds hair off. He had lovely little curls and now half his head is basically shaved. He said it was only hair and he was messing about but my little boy was crying and didnt want anyone looking at him.

Maybe that sounds stupid compared to bigger problems but it really upset me. Hes only 3.

OK, you must be right if your one experience is different to other people’s experiences and of course, if my NHS contact is a just M/W they can’t possibly know what’s happening in their own department, especially if the rules say that’s what isn’t supposed to happen.

You win.

A father is an important figure in a child’s life. Is he providing for the family? Does he spend a lot of time with the boys and is involved in their lives? Wouldn’t they miss their dad? It sounds like he is passing on sexist views, but those attitudes unfortunately are still considered fairly normal in many cultures. Have you vocalised your unhappiness and discussed the possibility of separating because of your differences in values? Would he be willing to change his attitude to save the family?

The UK is really crap at knowing the rules and mostly don't bother.

I live in Sweden with DH but we had a holiday in the UK in Cornwall where dd1 got bitten by a mouse (she rescued it from a cat but the mouse was not grateful) - so we schlepped along to minor injuries and queued for almost 2 hours to be told that this was "too big" on an injury for them and sent us off to a health centre. We produced all of our paperwork, insurance, ID cards, European reciprocal health cards etc - but the staff had no idea what to so with them and just waved us into the waiting room without looking at them,

Why would someone come from Poland where your pregnancy was monitored just for a few weeks to give birth in the UK. Travelling close to the due date to unfamiliar hospital, wouldn’t it be very stressful. Just find it strange as healthcare is supposed to be very good in Poland.

I don’t know, probably many reasons, you’d have to ask those who choose to do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Staying on topic for this thread it seems that OP wants English speaking hcp’s, the comforting feeling of being in her country of origin and easy UK citizenship for her children.

Exactly. Single mum. 6 kids. Oldest already getting into trouble at school and shoplifting. Another with a genetic disorder that still isn't enough to stop OP getting "accidentally" pregnant in the pursuit of a girl. Not exactly a net positive gain for the UK, is it?

Another reason why this country is going down the toilet and nothing is done to stop it

Who do you stay with each time for the births of your babies in UK when not in hospital who looks after your other children at the time of birth? How do you book into a UK hospital for pregnancy but live in Poland? How could you secretly bring 5 children on a flight to UK and be homeless with no support in UJ How could you look after them here? You need to find support in Poland

Benefits of course

Dear OP please ignore the negative posts. There are many of us on here who feel sympathy and empathy for your position.

I was stuck in a Gulf region country and am now back in the UK. It took me 5 years to be able to move back but I did. So see this as a long term project.

As I said in my earlier post take one step at a time. Step one stay safe. Priorities your own health. Your kids need you as the sane parent. Get your treatment and the best care you can for your current pregnancy. Does your partner insist on being at all your appointments? Can you talk to your doctors about contraception for as soon as you give birth perhaps with a slant on a need to protect your health after so many pregnancies and previous preeclampsia? Would you be able to get your tubes tied when you give birth?

You must be exhausted and scared. I know and wish I could give you a big hug.

Once you have your baby and your contraception sorted you can start to build on your own health. Again start with small steps. Get as much rest as you can (really difficult with small kids I know). Eat as healthy as you can. Can you get the other little ones into some day care in Poland to help with this?

And for now this is probably enough. Once you are feeling stronger you can will feel better able to support all your kids. And maybe start looking for work but that is further down the line.

Step 2 start saving any money you can as an emergency fund. Every little helps if you can.

Step 3 get support now where you live. Some posters have offered to look for you. Can you find mum and baby groups you could attend? Again this is for you and your own mental health.

To other posters please be gentle with OP. She needs support not questioning about her use of the NHS or benefits she hasn’t even claimed yet!

Big hugs OP stay strong- your kids have a great mum who loves and cares for them.

Get all the kids' passports in order.

Plan to leave in time to start the school year and plan to give birth in England again.
Surely your husband will agree to you all going back to your family for support until the new baby is a few months old.

Commit (in your mind) to staying longer for your eldest child's education IF he goes to school and does well.
Then look at universities, apprenticeships and training in either country for his future.

It's time both you and your husband put your children's futures foremost. You might end up in Poland but the kids need to learn English too and be proberly educated so to get good jobs and work hard. There are many opportunities in both countries for when the kids are adults.

OP, I'm sending you the biggest hugs because I'm in the opposite situation....
I'm from the EU, my husband is British and I'm so upset with how he's been with me. I want to move back to my home country with our two kids but it's not possible unless the other parent agrees.

Big hug from me @Oppositesituation Please take care of yourself and your kids. Stay safe and play along with your husband if you need to. Whilst building your emergency fund and getting as much support as you can.

💐💐💐

She needs support not questioning about her use of the NHS or benefits she hasn’t even claimed yet!

Except every time she gives birth she comes back to the UK and does it on the NHS despite potentially not doing it with full disclosure.

It is possible to feel empathy for a situation while also acknowledging that the OP may not be perfect.

Thank you.
He's nonviolent but he can be really not nice mentally to me. But when he's caring, he's the best person.
The issue is that his mum doesn't like me and says things about me, he believes everything and blames me. As horrible as it sounds, once his parents are much older, he'll probably be less influenced. But I'm a disappointment and not the DIL she wanted and he never lets me tell my side of the story. A compromise would be to love somewhere a couple of hours away but he says he wants to be near them.
Part of me wishes I just died but the kids need me.

Tell DH that you are likely to have an early baby again.

Put forward that you want your children to see his frail mother. Find reasons to make sure that all the kids go back to England for the birth. While there, sort out a passport for the last, Polish born, son.

Make certain that your oldest remains there in school.
Stay as long as you can and enrol the others in school. Your husband will agee to them learning English and helping their grandmother. Staying for one year could be beneficial and offer you time to think.

Enrol into where? Live where? Support a large family how exactly?

I know you have the best intentions but it doesn't sound like her husband would be keen to stay any longer than absolutely necessary. And legally, she has no legs to stand on unfortunately.

It is awful - it costs NHS thousands for one normal birth so for people to come over and expect to use the facilities for free is terrible.

No one is perfect that is true. I have made many mistakes in my own life. However OP is not responsible for the state of the NHS. She and all women deserve to have their babies safely.

She has reached out here for support and some posters have focused and shifted this to be about the NHS and benefits. Let’s keep it on supporting her and not berating her for institutional and government problems.

When you have lived abroad as a British person the day you return to live in the uk you are eligible for NHS treatment. Would people rather see a pregnant woman left without treatment?

OP and any other woman in her situation needs support to improve hers and her children’s lives not criticism for past choices.

Please see your GP if you need to as no one should feel like this. He sounds like he is emotionally abusing you. Have a look at the freedom programme. You are not a disappointment they are abusive as a family.

I have major depression which was made far worse by my ex husband’s treatment of me. Anti depressants really helped me to see it was him not me who was abusive. I felt like such a bad person as he and his family told me this.

You will get through this - look after yourself. 💐💐

Giving birth in Poland is safe!

In my experience British embassies are worse than useless, unless you die or you need a document stamped for which you need to pay an extortionate fee.

Op is British, I assume, as are her children so why wouldn't they be welcome to use the NHS and re-establish themselves there?
Op will need support and will need to find housing and work.
Why can't she stay near her UK family?

It makes sense for the best outcomes for her children that they keep and build a connection to their birth country.

Yeah they won’t be interested. OP needs to contact a lawyer in Poland and maybe the equivalent of Women’s Aid over there. WA in the UK can’t really help her. While her husband’s behaviour might amount to coercive control if she is frightened of him, it’s unlikely this is something where the Polish police would get involved.

The idea that she can come over for a few months, stick the kids in school in the UK and then just stay is also nonsense. If she misleads her husband it would still be abduction if she goes and then refuses to come back. Plus where would they live, what schools would take them, how would OP support herself? So many questions. Plus I doubt that the children want to move to the UK. It’s quite an upheaval.