AIBU to ask my mum to cancel her holiday hotel booking?

[MammaBear4000]

Booked a weeks holiday with my 7yo son (I have more AL than husband). We've got a week away at the start of the summer holidays I was looking forward to.

Sent a message to the family group chat saying 'first solo holiday with [my son] 🥳' thinking nothing of it. Mum asked where I was going so sent her a link to the hotel.

She's now booked the same holiday (solo room). Sent me a message saying was it ok (i'm working and can't respond straight away...but I would have said it's my first mum and son solo holiday and was looking forward to it). Before I had the chance to reply she booked it.

She fucking booked it within 4 mins of sending the original message.

Now here's were the AIBU part comes in. I want to ask her to cancel (she will lose money on this). Last year she joined a week away with me and my son and completely ruined the holiday. I don't want that to happen again and I can't bear the idea of no buffer and her being with us for a week in the same hotel. We have separate rooms but she won't leave us alone I know that.

She's already ruined one holiday so you're being unreasonable telling her anything about any holiday plans if you don't want her going. You announced it in the family chat and you even sent her a link to the hotel.

I’d be very tempted to make the “wrong hotel” story true and book another. Don’t tell her. When she gets there you can be surprised because you did tell her that wasn’t the right hotel.

Whose “side” will the rest of the family chat be on? Can you post there and say something like “looks like it’s not a solo holiday after all! Anyone fancy joining mum so she isn’t stuck on her own while son and I have our “solo” time as planned?!”

I think this is on you for sending her a link - it’s almost an invitation! You can’t now ask her to cancel.

“ I want to ask her to cancel (she will lose money on this)”

How much are we talking? Are you in a position to be able to say, “Look Mum, you asked if it would be OK and it isn’t: after last year, I just want to go with DC, and you’ve very much jumped the gun booking it yourself four minutes after I sent the link, but I’ll pay your cancellation cost because I don’t want to be made to feel bad about this.” TBH, and I am a DGM, I can’t believe that having asked, she didn’t wait until you had sent a reply. Jolly rude of her, and yes, she deserves to pay the cancellation cost herself, but I can see how that might lead to bad feelings.

You have hopefully learned a lesson from it, and won't make the same mistake next time. I don't tell some of my family until I'm already away because I don't want them inviting themselves. I'm not horrible honestly, but holidays are for getting away and relaxing, a bit of me time

She is so manipulative! That’s appalling.
you need to be totally straight with her and say no it’s not ok. Try this -

hello mum
i feel really uncomfortable saying this but it isn’t ok for you to come with us this time. You didn’t give me time to respond before you booked it. This is a special holiday for me and x and we want it to be just us.
please cancel your booking.
if you don’t then I’ll cancel mine and go somewhere else.
(even if that’s not true!)

I would try this first of all, some hotels have a sister hotel that's part of the same group, they may agree to move you. Failing that, I would absolutely cancel the first one and book another. Your mum has to realise that this sort of behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and that she cannot push you around as she wants. If you let her away with it then even if you manage to avoid her around the hotel, it will spoil your holiday trying to keep an eye out for her then trying to dodge without your DS noticing. It's worth any additional fees to achieve the peace of mind, isn't it?

Tell her it's not OK, she was rude to not wait for your response before booking and it's rude to invite yourself on someone else's holiday, full stop.

Op I would say to your mum sorry this wasn’t inviting you especially after last years drama I meant solo so you can obviously book where you want but my plans are just me and dc not making any plans for us 3. I hope you enjoy your solo holiday do activities she can’t do people are really cheeky just adding themselves on other peoples holidays. Does she do this to other family members?

Op you really need to be more assertive.

"I booked the holiday for me and son to have some time just the two of us. I'm sorry you will lose money but I would like you to cancel and give us the space together."

You cannot force her of course but you need to be firmer.

I have in-laws like this when we holiday in a certain place it totally ruins the holiday when they tag along because it changes the whole dynamic and while they go away every other month we go away once or twice only so I really hated the intrusion.

We are going to that location again this year and she’s recently found out. She’s been sniffing around the dates but I haven’t told her and won’t till I see it’s fully booked 😅

If she doesn’t change her dates just don’t meet up with her stick to your plans.

I’d say almost causing the child to drown and then shouting and swearing is abusive

I’m alarmed how many people think sharing what hotel you’re staying at is an invitation or hint that you want someone to join you! I need to rethink who I tell I’m going on holiday.

Upset your mother and tell her no. She has no problem upsetting you.

As OP had a huge row with her mum after her mum did something that put OP's child in great danger, her mum must be spectacularly thick or very-thick skinned not to realise that she wouldn't be welcome on another holiday with OP.

She must have realised that OP wouldn't want her there because she booked immediately after sending OP a message without waiting for OP to respond. She is obviously an overbearing nightmare.

Grow a set. Tell her if she doesn’t cancel, you will. She is not coming on this holiday with you.

Entirely the Mother’s fault for not waiting for a reply. Absolutely not unreasonable to say, “‘Mum you booked it before I could reply, as I said in the group chat this is our solo holiday, so we don’t want any company thanks. But we would love to have a group holiday another time”

I’d tell her she needs to cancel her booking, and that if she won’t you will cancel yours. Then wait and see what happens but don’t cancel yours yet. If she still won’t cancel I think it would be worth changing your hotel or cancelling as you’ll have a terrible time with her there anyway.

Can you change your booking to a different hotel in the same resort? This way you can control if, when and how often you meet up with her.

If it’s a big hotel, you might be able to avoid her.

Why is it on OP to keep the peace when it is her mother who has absolutely done the wrong thing? Why does she need to accept that?

If my mother decided not to speak to me again because of this, I’d see that as a win win.

I would just move your holiday to different dates or a differnet hotel and not tell her

Also I think its weird to share hotel details in the family chat. I would have stopped at Spain, start of July or such like

Tell her no OP. It’s going to completely change the dynamic of your holiday and will ruin it for you. Yes, it will be awkward in the short term now and she will lose money but that’s on her. She should not have booked it and she knows that. Firmly stand up to her. Dont lose the opportunity for a lovely weekend just you and your small boy 🙂

If your mum totally ruined last years, then I'd rather not go! Or if I went, just sneak out of the hotel every morning, really early and go have fun with your son!

She's out of order ignoring your message about looking forward to a mum/son holiday. As others have said, never ever tell her again where you're going, just send her a postcard!!

Yep. I'd lose money and do this.

Well, because sometimes people do the wrong thing with the best of intentions and where it is close family, sometimes keeping the peace is the kindest thing to do for them and the least stressful option for you in the long-run.

But from your reply, it sounds like for you this matter would be so intensely irritating that possible estrangement is on the table right away, so our families may be quite different and we'd probably handle it differently.

All that said - I had missed the OPs update about the previous holiday and it sounds like her mother does have a history of unsafe behaviour not mentioned in the first post, so her issue is less about boundaries and peace keeping anyway.