AIBU to ask my mum to cancel her holiday hotel booking?

[MammaBear4000]

Booked a weeks holiday with my 7yo son (I have more AL than husband). We've got a week away at the start of the summer holidays I was looking forward to.

Sent a message to the family group chat saying 'first solo holiday with [my son] 🥳' thinking nothing of it. Mum asked where I was going so sent her a link to the hotel.

She's now booked the same holiday (solo room). Sent me a message saying was it ok (i'm working and can't respond straight away...but I would have said it's my first mum and son solo holiday and was looking forward to it). Before I had the chance to reply she booked it.

She fucking booked it within 4 mins of sending the original message.

Now here's were the AIBU part comes in. I want to ask her to cancel (she will lose money on this). Last year she joined a week away with me and my son and completely ruined the holiday. I don't want that to happen again and I can't bear the idea of no buffer and her being with us for a week in the same hotel. We have separate rooms but she won't leave us alone I know that.

Why don’t you just tell her to cancel? You know she isn’t going to respect your space. You said you were having a solo holiday. She completely overstepped.

I feel for you, this is exactly the kind of thing I would do (sharing the link and not thinking about the possible results of that) and then kick myself for! If you can't persuade her to cancel and you can't go elsewhere yourself, then I think you'll have to do as you outline in your most recent post: just say you and your son have plans and you want to spend one-on-one time with him.

When you describe the incident last year as "think drowning," was it actually a life or death matter that she was responsible for? If so, I'm not sure I could even be in the same room with her, much less go on holiday with her. And usually I roll my eyes a bit at people who say they want to cut contact with relatives at the drop of a hat.

For the sake of your son as well you need to be assertive and be honest, no need to lie and say it’s the wrong hotel. Just say “as I said before in my message it’s the first solo holiday and it’s something I wanted me and DS to do alone, I wish you waited for me to reply before booking on. We’ve got plans every day and I really want to do this solo.

It looks like she's won OP. I'm so sorry. They know how to hurt us the most. I hope you find a way to some small part of what you were hoping for without her winding your son up against you for it.

Have you booked through TUI or similar? Could you try ringing up and seeing if they'll swap your hotel. You never know you you might get someone sympathetic on the phone who can help you

My MIL pulls stunts like this all the time to the point we don’t tell her where we are going until we are nearly home. This includes when my dh goes away with his friends (not joking actually happened) you need to get her told asap.

To be honest the root cause of the issue is not being direct with her. Just tell her, you don’t want to go on holiday with her because of her behaviour the last time. It was unpleasant and stressful. So you no longer trust her to not do the same things / be abusive.

Why the HELL did you send her the link when she ruined last year’s trip? It was bloody obvious what she was going to do!

Id cancel and move and not tell her.

This. I’d try whatever I could to move to a different hotel.

You could try this but doesn’t sound like she will take a blind bit of notice

I've told her i've sent her the wrong hotel but she's having none of it.

What does this mean? She didn’t believe you?

It sounds like you can’t be honest with her because she gets shouty.

If I knew my mother was going to make it all about her then no I wouldn't say anything. And yes, I'm horrendously fucking fun, thanks.

Do the hotel do any day trips/can you organise a driver that leaves early/are there any daytrips on Expedia? you can book yourself and your son onto some of these trips but obviously do not tell her about it. Then at least you get some quality time with him making memories and away from her.

That is very weird of her to book the same holiday/hotel without getting an answer as to if that was ok from you.
I understand people saying why on earth did you you send her the link when youve had a bad experience of her joining your holiday in the past,although i can understand you doing so not thinking she would book it!
I think the crux of all this upset is a communication issue.
Letting her know you were looking forward to it being just you and your son was crucial due to her odd behaviour.
lesson: dont give her the information needed to take your power away amd do give her information that is clear that you dont want her on your holiday.
You said that you have now told her you sent the wrong hotel link and that "shes having non of it" Does that mean shes said she doent believe you ,because if so surely thats because she know you dont want her to go on your holiday?
Hope she realises and has the decency to cancel.
Good luck.

Tell her you dont want her there

Option one

• You have temporary pain of being firm with her, but its done and dusted, with a bit of lingering recrimination.
• but you do get your holiday the way you originally planned it. Life is short
• She will resent it, but she won't try it again.

Option two

• She comes on the holiday having been told you need your space.
• I guarantee if she's the sort to book onto your solo holiday without asking, she will reckon that when you are in situ she can completely ignore, guilt trip, complain and you will give in again. Every outing, every meal
• you get all the pain, all the stress and fuss and you don't get your much wished for solo holiday with your son.
• It also shows her that if she just goes ahead and does things, even if you say no, she will get her way anyway, and can put up with a bit of fuss from you, knowing you will give in.

Option 3

• BUT you could say, we can have a weekend together ( its a much shorter less intense space of time!), you, DS and me.but only if you cancel.
• That should also get shot of the guilt and recriminations and make option one a bit easier.

I think you should just be completely honest and transparent, trying to say you sent her the wrong hotel just makes things more complicated and looks like you are now the one being underhand.

I would personally just say "look mum, ok it's not the wrong hotel but I just said that because I didn't know what else to do. I don't want your feelings to be hurt but it's not ok that you've just booked to come away with us without speaking to me first.

This was a rare opportunity for me and x to go away and spend quality time together and I would like to take advantage of that. I obviously don't want you to lose your money so please speak to the travel company to see if you can get a credit."

If she's having none of the "wrong hotel" and won't cancel, she sounds like a CF who won't have a problem having none of "needing space" either.

She'll hunt you down the whole holiday, follow you around and pull hysterics when you say no.

It's

1 - let her ruin your holiday and come back exhausted and resentful.

2 - take the hit yourself, cancel, book somewhere else. Won't be as nice but won't be as stressful. If it's abroad I would go as far as to make sure of different timed flights, or even a different airport. Make sure there is zero chance whatsoever of her even catching sight of you.

And don't tell anyone where you're going, or where you are on a day trip etc.

She's your mother, OP. Unless there is abusive or unsafe behaviour on her part, I think you need to accept it this year and learn from this for the next trip you plan.

If you have the sort of relationship that would allow for a gentle conversation about it, then by all means try, but I suspect the fact that you're in this situation is an indicator that she isn't open to that sort of chat and if she would lose money she is even less likely to want to cancel.

As she has proven that she is likely to jump in on your plans, don't tell her about them in future.

I would be completely honest with her and say last year's holiday with the 3 of you was awful and you have no intention of repeating it.
Tell her you want her to cancel her booking and you will refund what money she's lost (or half of it - whatever you can afford/whatever it's worth to you).
And point out it's totally her fault for asking you if it was ok then booking it before you replied.

If she refuses to cancel tell her that you intend to spend all your time with your son, AS YOU HAD PLANNED AND WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO!

What kind of holiday/accommodation is it? Would it be possible to avoid her there a lot of the time if she insists on going? Because that's what I would do in your shoes ...

You need to change your booking to another hotel. Don’t say anything to her and let her go on her own.

Even if you book things for you and your son, it will be unbearably akward. You’re going to keep bumping into her/dread going to the pool/down for dinner etc and you will not relax and have a nice time. It will be shit for your son too having to walk past granny and she will likely guilt trip you both at every opportunity until one of you offers for her to join you.

No sympathy whatsoever OP. You yourself sent her the ammunition to shoot you with. Now you've lied about it instead of telling her you don't want her. You clearly love a drama.

Do you think she misunderstood your first message slightly, to mean ‘your mum’ and ‘your son’?

How to handle this depends on how much peace you want to keep. You could go for the straight shot and tell her she isn't welcome to be part of your holiday because it didnt work out last time, if you're OK with the fall out from that. You'd be within your rights.
Or alternatively if you don't want a big row, you could go for a less extreme version and arrange to share some elements of the holiday with her on the understanding you had plenty of time for just you and your son.
Or ask her to cancel and offer a concession such as a day out/weekend away instead to soften it.

But it isn't a lesson learnt if you sent a woohoo on a family whatsapp, knowing what she is like.

OP, nobody on here will know your mother like you do. I know mine and know that there are certain things not worth sharing etc.

Why did you not keep this precious solo holiday to yourself?

Her behaviour is far from normal, but you know her.. You must have known she might be capable of this.

It isn't victim blaming, it is pre-empting predictive behaviour and reactions.

This cannot be the first time OP's mother has done something so batshit, boundary crossing BS.