AIBU to ask my mum to cancel her holiday hotel booking?

[MammaBear4000]

Booked a weeks holiday with my 7yo son (I have more AL than husband). We've got a week away at the start of the summer holidays I was looking forward to.

Sent a message to the family group chat saying 'first solo holiday with [my son] 🥳' thinking nothing of it. Mum asked where I was going so sent her a link to the hotel.

She's now booked the same holiday (solo room). Sent me a message saying was it ok (i'm working and can't respond straight away...but I would have said it's my first mum and son solo holiday and was looking forward to it). Before I had the chance to reply she booked it.

She fucking booked it within 4 mins of sending the original message.

Now here's were the AIBU part comes in. I want to ask her to cancel (she will lose money on this). Last year she joined a week away with me and my son and completely ruined the holiday. I don't want that to happen again and I can't bear the idea of no buffer and her being with us for a week in the same hotel. We have separate rooms but she won't leave us alone I know that.

This.

"Maybe add something like sorry for the misunderstanding but I wanted it to be simple and straightforward and had I been planning a wider family holiday I would have spoken to you before booking it"

However, she is going to be very upset however you do it, if you say no. No way round that, really.

Re: the PY holiday i'll not go into too much detail as outing.

We had a very large row about her leaving my child in a very dangerous situation (think drowning) type thing. I left them alone for minutes to get us all something and arrived back just in time.

I got shouted (and sworn at) after saying what she did wasn't ok. This was in front of lots of people and my child. I removed my child and I from said situation but rest of holiday was awful.

I thought 'first solo holiday' would have been enough tbh and have never had anyone just book onto something. My family send links of where they are going to each other all the time and don't book on each others holidays (until today).

She clearly knew it wasn't ok given she asked permission... then didn't even make it to 5 mins before booking.

Lessons learned.

But you can talk about holidays without sending a link to the hotel and stating the exact dates you're away. Most people just say oh I'm off to XYZ in the Summer.

You were unreasonable to tell her where you were going.

So have you told her you're not happy that she's gatecrashing your holiday, or just made a MN thread about it?

So are you going to ask her to cancel OP?
Leaving your kid alone by water and then shouting and swearing at you for being upset is way beyond ok. There is no way she didn't notice the strife.
You really do need to ask her to cancel, and if she won't then take it on the chin and rebook elsewhere. When people don't care that they've made a problem for you, the only reliable route is to make it their problem.

Oh, the joys of social media! Just stop sharing all your plans, even with family! And actually, you can’t demand that your mother cancels her booking BUT you can choose to avoid her on the holiday!

I can’t believe you told her where you were going!!

I don’t think you can just tell her to cancel, but you can say you will change your booking if she doesn’t cancel/change hers.

Maybe tell her you've decided to push the boat out and rent a 2 seater sports car for the duration!

Absolutely tell her no, that's not ok.
She knows full well it's not alright, as she asked you but didn't bother to wait for you to reply with a no. She's selfish.
Tell her it's just you and your son this time.
You sending the link is not you sending her an invitation - which she knows.

Are people not allowed to talk something through without your permission?

Oh gosh!! I’d still call the holiday company and see if you can explain and change. What’s she’s done isn’t normal, I can totally see why you’d have just answered her question without imagining she’d book onto your break!

Tell her no you are going on a holiday with just your son. Mum and son time.

And going forwards don’t tell her any details of any plans.

You need to tell her, you’ll be devastated and resentful if you don’t. Just say you thought it was clear when you were excited about it being your first solo trip together. True me, she knows it’s not on and is seeing if you’ll push back.

Tell her to cancel her booking because she wasn't invited, this is about you and your son. She knew it wasn't okay which is why she asked first, but then overstepped and booked anyway thinking you wouldn't have the balls to say cancel it.

Her problem if she loses money, not yours.

Well you did send the link to it
should have kept it quiet till
you were there

My view is you have a choice and they’re not equally bad.

1. you bite the bullet and tell her she can’t join you as it’s a holiday for you and your son and you’re looking forward to being just the two of you - it will be awkward, she might kick off but you’ll have back up around you and you can swerve her until she calms down.

2. she comes with you and she kicks off about something while you’re away. You won’t have anyone in your corner, you won’t be able to avoid her, you won’t be able to relax while away and you’ll have wasted your money.

I would rather deal with the pain now and still have a lovely holiday.

We had a very large row about her leaving my child in a very dangerous situation (think drowning) type thing. I left them alone for minutes to get us all something and arrived back just in time.
I got shouted (and sworn at) after saying what she did wasn't ok. This was in front of lots of people and my child. I removed my child and I from said situation but rest of holiday was awful.

I wouldn’t worry about being straight with her after this tbh. Say ‘it’s not going to work, I’ll be doing things with do just me and him. Don’t you remember when…and it kind of ruined the last holiday to be honest.’

Then, if she insists on coming, do things without her. Table for 2 if you want, day trips for 2 etc.

I would think about changing booking to somewhere else. The problem is that you will have your child with you and obviously it will be very tricky to be rude/ avoidant in front of the child with their own grandmother.
What would you do when she’d say to your son at breakfast/ near the pool : Oh Jack, morning.
And sit next to him.
It will be quite awkward.
So changing is your only answer if you feel really strongly about it.
It may be a bit too cruel but it depends how far and wide this problem has gone.

Thanks for all the advice (and clearly for some sharing the link is one step too far which I get).

I've told her i've sent her the wrong hotel but she's having none of it.

Going to advise her i'm not happy she didn't wait for me to confirm if she could join the holiday and that my son and I have lots of plans whilst we're there. I get she probably won't cancel but i'm going to be clear re: needing space to enjoy the holiday.

Look you need to nip this in the bud now and just be assertive or else youll be in situations like this with her time and time again.
You just need to message back "no thats not ok. This was supposed to be a solo holiday just me and my son" and then expect the backlash, which you will get, she will be upset but theres no way around it and its better to deal with that now than on the holiday.
Tell her she should either cancel or not expect that you spend time with her there.
She WILL be upset and she will try and make you feel guilty but just be strong. If you cave in thiswill be a repeating pattern where she ignores your boundaries and then gaslights you if your upset about it.
When on the holiday, if she has decided tp come, do not make any plans with her or let her know what you are doing. Obviously be coldly polite to her if you come across her, but you need to make it clear this whole thing is not ok and you are not going to just be coerced into pretending to be fine with it.
Stay strong. This was invasive behaviour and you need to shut it down now.

But then be firm about getting that space. This is your holiday, you booked it for two people for a reason.

I think you brought it on yourself especially if you didn’t tell her last year was awful.

She knows it’s not okay and that you would have said so, which is why she didn’t wait for your response before booking. So she could bulldoze you into just going along with it.

You’re going to need to put your big girl pants on and say she needs to cancel. If she won’t, I would ponder my options of booking elsewhere or going and ignoring her to make a point.

And for the people blaming OP for this.. ask yourselves.. would any of you book onto someones holiday without asking them first, just because they sent you a link to the hotel they were staying at?
Even if it was family?

I think hardly anyone would do that. Majority of people would understand thats invasive and know they should ask and wait for a reply first.

Id petsonally never in a million years behave like that to my kids. Proper entitled narcissistic behaviour.
Your kids arent your property. You can just turn up on their holiday without them saying thats ok ffs