AIBU to ask my mum to cancel her holiday hotel booking?

[MammaBear4000]

Booked a weeks holiday with my 7yo son (I have more AL than husband). We've got a week away at the start of the summer holidays I was looking forward to.

Sent a message to the family group chat saying 'first solo holiday with [my son] 🥳' thinking nothing of it. Mum asked where I was going so sent her a link to the hotel.

She's now booked the same holiday (solo room). Sent me a message saying was it ok (i'm working and can't respond straight away...but I would have said it's my first mum and son solo holiday and was looking forward to it). Before I had the chance to reply she booked it.

She fucking booked it within 4 mins of sending the original message.

Now here's were the AIBU part comes in. I want to ask her to cancel (she will lose money on this). Last year she joined a week away with me and my son and completely ruined the holiday. I don't want that to happen again and I can't bear the idea of no buffer and her being with us for a week in the same hotel. We have separate rooms but she won't leave us alone I know that.

she may not cancel, if she does you may have to give her something towards the cost

😆🤣😆 erm no, she doesn’t have to give her ‘something towards the cost’ 🤣😆🤣

Totally agree with this post.
It is your fault as you sent her the link so you’ll just have to make the most of the situation or cancel.

I think you need to be sterner than that! She wasn’t invited and she clearly knew what she was doing by booking before you could answer.Tell her it’s not acceptable behaviour and you don’t want her there. Remind her that this type of behaviour is weird, will likely create animosity in your relationship and that you’ll be wary of sharing anything in future. If she loses money, it’s her own fault. Ridiculous that she’s being this entitled!

I do think it’s too late now and you’ve learned a lesson.

I got a good deal on a hotel and dinner DW and I decided to make it a ‘dirty weekend’. On the phone to my mum and DW said tell her about that hotel offer - I knew immediately my mum would assume it was an invite but it was too late, she’d already heard. So my mum joined our little dirty weekend 🫣

DW could not understand why telling someone about a good deal was an invite, but to me I knew it came across that way, so we adapted.

Certainly don’t tell her what your plans are when you are there

Don't be ridiculous.

The only person whose fault it is is the Mum, who invited herself on to someone else's holiday. No one asked her to come. Who does that?!

If someone asked to see where I was staying I'd send a link, if they booked and turned up I'd think they were nuts!

Granted, I wouldn't send them a link again.

Ah well. Just suck it up but you know what to do next year

I know. It’s bonkers behaviour.

Maybe there are a lot of people like that if they think the OP is at fault!

No it doesn't. Unless you're mad.

As the daughter of a narcissistic mother I can say with certainty narcissists don't accept boundaries. They don't accept that anything they do is anything but good and justified. If she's a matyr she may use the upset excuse but its not upset because she cares about her daughter and grandson it's upset because her ego is being bruised. The fake display of hurt from a martr narcissist is something incredible to behold. She probably puts her mother first 99 times out of a hundred as it is and I bet it's still never enough.
She should move hotels and not tell her the name of it.

Why on earth did you send her a link to the hotel? If that were me and I’d been away with you the previous year I’d have taken it that you wanted me to come too.

Why though? In my 40 odd years on this planet I have never thought I was invited to someone else's holiday unless they asked me.

I'm away next week for a sporting event and shared the hotel link because they asked where I was staying and I couldn't be bothered explaining it. If I have numerous people from the group chat turning up then I hope they will all want to hang around together because I won't be involved!

I still can't get my head round anyone who wasn't specifically asked to join would think it was an invitation just because you show where you're staying.

Lesson learned.

Eh? Was it Opposite Day?

This.

and in future don’t send her a link ffs

I'd 'accidentally' send her the link to this thread...

I can't help wondering why, when you say she ruined your holiday with your son last year, you would announce to her where and when you've planned this year's holiday. Didn't you see this coming? Does she realize that last year's was miserable for you? It sounds like she's insensitive/clueless and you don't know how to set boundaries. You might see if you can change your booking, but you really have no control over her behavior.

I’m a granny and if either of my daughters had booked a trip they might have sent me a link as the quickest way to answer the “where is it?” question. So I don’t think you did anything wrong in telling her, or in sending the link.

I have been invited on trips. Once to babysit and twice because they needed a bit of help with the bill (bucket list destination). We ask first, check dates and clarify the room/bed set up.

How will OP undo Granny’s massive mistake???? It depends on how well they get on day to day.

Could some boundaries be set as in “my message made it clear that I was looking forward to time alone with DS. Please don’t expect you will be with us all the time.” Or just “you need to cancel. This is our time”

tell her to f off

As a grandparent I wouldn't dream of booking unless invited!

Seeing so many issues easily resolved with people learning the skill of assertiveness.

what made the holiday so bad last year ?

Not quite the same but many moons ago i booked an all inclusive with my then boyfriend, i was 17, parents agreed. Then booked the exact same dates. When i found out i changed the dates and did not tell them. Also meant i spent my 18th birthday on holiday. Mum was fuming, we are no contact now. Just tell her manage the fallout if u can.

Did you manage to get anything sorted OP?

I too would be seething! I also would have done exactly what you have done and sent the link where we were staying purely just to show - without dreaming in a million years anyone would simply book and invite themselves on holiday with me!!

Done a holiday with my mum and kids when I was single thinking she would be an extra pair of helping hands but with hindsight, I wish I’d gone alone with them. She just isn’t the sort of granny who wants to spend time with the kids and it ended up being a week long listening to her moan about all the bad things that happened during her marriage to my dad - things I genuinely would rather not have heard

Love it. I'd do this.

Why on earth send her the link?It seems like an invitation. You know whaat she is like ,so why give her any chances?You either tell her or you don't. Both will have negative results .