AIBU to ask my mum to cancel her holiday hotel booking?

[MammaBear4000]

Booked a weeks holiday with my 7yo son (I have more AL than husband). We've got a week away at the start of the summer holidays I was looking forward to.

Sent a message to the family group chat saying 'first solo holiday with [my son] 🥳' thinking nothing of it. Mum asked where I was going so sent her a link to the hotel.

She's now booked the same holiday (solo room). Sent me a message saying was it ok (i'm working and can't respond straight away...but I would have said it's my first mum and son solo holiday and was looking forward to it). Before I had the chance to reply she booked it.

She fucking booked it within 4 mins of sending the original message.

Now here's were the AIBU part comes in. I want to ask her to cancel (she will lose money on this). Last year she joined a week away with me and my son and completely ruined the holiday. I don't want that to happen again and I can't bear the idea of no buffer and her being with us for a week in the same hotel. We have separate rooms but she won't leave us alone I know that.

This won't work if she is the overbearing mother type. She will turn up anyway and use belittling phrases like "don't be silly, of course I can come" or manipulate you through your son. You will spend all holiday in James Bond mode trying to sneak everywhere.

your mother has no boundaries she has over stepped them previously and you have made the mistake again of giving her to much information. learn to keep things private and if you want private mother and son time, only inform your husband, don't take calls and prioritize yourself and your son. rather than asking her to cancel i would try and rearrange change the dates on your holiday and never be so forthcoming in the future

Of course she wasn't! This is all ridiculous.

OP didn't send her mother the link, like some weird kind of unspoken invitation! She showed her family where she would be going on holiday in a group chat situation.

OP - I think you are entirely justified at being really cross with your mother. Let her have it! You don't have to accommodate or smooth over her totally batshit behaviour.

Your mum is a nut case.

Knowing this, it was extremely foolish on your part to tell her where you were going and when, and even more so you sent her a direct link!

No, normal people don't take that as an invitation but you know your mother best and it sounds like she has form for this sort of thing.

What on Earth were you thinking? Lesson learned, in future keep your mouth shut!

This is quite a conundrum and I sympathise with you. But she's your Mum and your son's Granny (G). Probably best if the link had not been sent, but it was, so the situation is as it is. So ask yourself: Do I, on the whole, have a good relationship with Mum and is she a supportive Granny who helps out and who my son finds jolly & interesting? If you tell her to cancel, or even crueller, change your reservation to a different location she will be desperately hurt. Is she a fit & active G who enjoys energetic days? If not I'm sure you and son can go snorkelling, boating, swimming or play on the water slides if it is that kind of resort. Surely sharing meals with her will not be a problem? If she's one of these miserable old Grannies who just wants to sit around and moan, you have my commiserations. However, whether she is G Kool or G Groan both you and your son can have a brilliant time just by going off and doing whatever you like. In other words: Carry on Regardless! Good luck from a Super Kool, Fit, Active G.

I would cancel my booking. Lesson learned.

You are definitely not being unreasonable here. This is about setting a clear boundary for your mental health and your relationship with your son. You need to have that conversation now because if you wait you are just going to spend the whole holiday feeling resentful and anxious. Be direct but kind and explain that you really need this specific week to be just for you and your son to bond and that you need to be able to enjoy that time without the pressure of accommodating her.

Never, ever share a link to a good place unless you want someone to book on with you! Or find that next year they have booked it before you do…

Screenshot a picture of the resort if you must or just give a vague description: ‘It’s on the coast in Malaga’.

Why, oh why?

Fuck that, your mum sounds awful and a complete narcissist. Never mind saying you want your space on the holiday and putting up boundaries, l would completely ignore her after making it clear l didn't want her there, but if she still comes l am not having anything do with her. You specifically said on family group that you were looking forward to solo holiday with DS. Then she does that. You really need to deal with her firmly on this or she will not stop pulling stunts like this.

I’d just be honest and say after what happened last time, you don’t want to spend the holiday with her and want it to just be you and DS. It’s going to be mighty awkward if it’s an all inclusive type where you hang around in the hotel all day but not so bad if you’ll be spending most of it on excursions.

YANBU to ask her to cancel, but if you had a bad experience last year and know what she's like, why on earth did you tell her your plans down to a direct link to your hotel? Boggles the mind.

The word 'solo' is really getting on my pip.

hahahaha brilliant 🤣

Totally agree. Of course I’d tell my mum and family that I was planning to go away, especially if it was a more unusual scenario ie just me and my child. It’s exciting to share and also an fyi you won’t be around on certain dates. I’d always share links too, if asked, and would NEVER expect anyone to just tag along with no prior plan in place, that’s abnormal behaviour.

Bloody hell, tell her it's not on and you just won't engage with her AT ALL in the holiday.

Tell it in PUBLIC in the family chat so others can see you tried to establish boundaries before you went.

Anyway, organise either first sitting or last sitting for breakfast and go on excursions away that she can't join in

You're going to have to suck it up this time, but lesson learned for next time. Don't be specific about where you are going, and if she asks, reiterate that it's a solo holiday for you and your DC. Make lots of plans for things to do during the day for this upcoming holiday, and maybe meet her for dinner in the evenings. Maybe that will make it bearable.

@MammaBear4000 You need to actually ask her to cancel, it sounds like you haven’t yet? Then if she refuses you need to say you booked this specially so you and your ds could spend time together and in that case, you won’t be spending time with her on the holiday. If you don’t do this she’ll surely take it that she’s welcome to join in on your holiday. Tell her upfront then you won’t feel bad when you get there.

and for Christ’s sake don’t tell her your room number and keep your phone off so she can’t be texting you all day asking where you are.

and yes she’s totally overstepped the mark and she’s in the wrong but it’s up to you now to say something.

I guess it depends on whether you want a future relationship with your mother or not. You say that you're going to "put boundaries in place" but you are not doing so at the moment. In the nicest possible way, OP you are a pushover. You either need to "own it" shrug and muddled through the holiday; OR set those boundaries in place NOW. "Sorry I didn't see your message in time to stop you booking, but it never crossed my mind that you'd think it was a good idea after last years shitshow. You need to rearrange your booking for another date."
Don't try and pussyfoot around, you've said yourself that she saw straight through that. Either be blunt or suck it up.

Or change your own dates. Even if they overlap slightly. So you have 5 days "solo" and 2 with mum.

How much would it cost you to cancel and go elsewhere? If she's not willing to cancel, it will be hard to avoid her in the some hotel.

You need to be blunt or it will be a complete waste of money.

Mum the key was first solo holiday for DS and I. You weren’t invited and didn’t wait for my answer ! I’ll cancel and go elsewhere.

My parents asked to come on a particular holiday with us once. We had nabbed a great airbnb that had extra bedrooms. I said no, we holiday with them regularly, this was just for us. Slightly awkward but oh well.

My Dad suggested that he and my step-mother come on holiday with us once when the children were young. I practically laughed in his face! He left my Mum when I was 10 and then invited me on precisely two family holidays in the intervening 30 years until I had children. Then suddenly he thought it would be a fun idea to play happy families. What a chump.

Sorry OP that's a complete aside but something that just bubbled up!

This. I know it can be hard to stand up to our parents, even as adults, but this is your chance to practice. Your time with your son is worth the discomfort. Sending you courage - you can always come and vent here when you've done it!