AIBU to ask my mum to cancel her holiday hotel booking?

[MammaBear4000]

Booked a weeks holiday with my 7yo son (I have more AL than husband). We've got a week away at the start of the summer holidays I was looking forward to.

Sent a message to the family group chat saying 'first solo holiday with [my son] 🥳' thinking nothing of it. Mum asked where I was going so sent her a link to the hotel.

She's now booked the same holiday (solo room). Sent me a message saying was it ok (i'm working and can't respond straight away...but I would have said it's my first mum and son solo holiday and was looking forward to it). Before I had the chance to reply she booked it.

She fucking booked it within 4 mins of sending the original message.

Now here's were the AIBU part comes in. I want to ask her to cancel (she will lose money on this). Last year she joined a week away with me and my son and completely ruined the holiday. I don't want that to happen again and I can't bear the idea of no buffer and her being with us for a week in the same hotel. We have separate rooms but she won't leave us alone I know that.

FWIW I would absolutely change the hotel!

I would say actually mum, DS & I discussed we wanted some days to ourselves. So we’ll probably see you on some days but other days we will be doing mother and son things and you’ll probably have to find something else to do

That is what one would say to a reasonable and civilised human being.

Clearly this woman is neither of those things

You don't sound very assertive.
It is not your holiday anymore, it is hers - you and your son are just tagging along and will do whatever she wants.

What kind of weirdo does stuff like that?

I think its the only way to solve the situation and horrible for who? Yes maybe her mum but should the OP and her Son have to accept another ruined holiday? That would be horrible.

OP you REALLY need to think about which is worse - upsetting her now, or having your holiday ruined. Because lets be honest, no matter what you say now about wanting time just the two of you, it won't happen like that and you will anxious / stressed the whole time even if she isn't with you

So she gets upset, so what? What can she actually do that is worse than ruining this trip?

You need to be much clearer than this. Mum, you've booked on without my agreement. If you'd given me the chance I would have said no because I was looking forward to some time alone with DC. I'd suggest you cancel as we won't be spending time with you.

Crikey that's so cheeky of her.

I hope you get to enjoy your break with ds.

Totally spot on. I have a mother who tries stunts like this. I recommend anticipating the behaviour and setting your stall out in advance also.

You're going to post an update saying your holiday was awful, she was a pain in the arse and you wish you'd changed date/venue.

I don't get how people think you sending her the link was an open invitation and it's on you.
Honestly I would have done the same, she's just bloody weird to book herself without even having a discussion about it (asking you then booking it before you reply doesn't count). In fact, her even wanting to tag along without you inviting her is even weirder

Your message was clear that you wanted a holiday with just you and your son so she’s being totally unreasonable. Any reasonable person would not just invite themselves to someone else’s holiday. She doesn’t respect boundaries so I’d make it very clear that you can’t stop her going to the same hotel but she’ll be enjoying her holiday on her own and you’ll be doing things separately. Don’t just accept it or she’ll likely do similar things in the future.

Not ok to ask you and not wait for a response. Was ok to ask, and at first I thought it might be nice for you to have some adult company and an extra pair of hands, but after what you said about the last time...

Sorry you’re having to deal with this OP, of course it’s not your fault, normal people don’t behave the way your mum has. You need to advocate for you and your son’s sake and ask her to cancel, or cancel/change your own booking. Don’t just hope she’ll behave - she won’t. And she will ruin your holiday and stress you out in the lead up.

@MammaBear4000 I would write a message to her saying

‘I’ve been fuming all day. I keep flipping between why you thought it was okay to gatecrash our holiday and how to tell you you’re not welcome, have you any ideas of how I could let you know gently?’

"You know you don't have to be polite to rude people right?"

Equally, you don't have to be a cunt when dealing with rude people

Are you going to tell her you aren't happy that she didn't wait for you to confirm, or that you aren't happy that she's booked?

Because the first is mixed messages - as though you just want her to jump through hoops but you would have confirmed it was okay and though you'll be busy it's nice that she's going.

Someone who has such little respect for your autonomy needs very firm and clear communication.

(Also suggest you tell the hotel what she has done and make it very clear that she is not on holiday with you and you need the hotel to ensure they don't give her any information or access to your details or your room).

I’m sure everyone else has said it but honestly, big girl pants time: “It’s a hard no Mum - you asked me what I thought, didn’t wait for the reply so you only have yourself to blame. You are not to come.”

It is not normal behaviour from your mum. Given that, as well as last year's behaviour, I think you have to be blunt and truthful.

Tell her that she should have waited for your answer which would have been that you were looking forward to a holiday just you and your son. You have planned activities to do with him, which means you will not be spending any time with her and she may therefore prefer to cancel.

OP I think you have to be more direct or move hotels/countries!!

she won’t leave you alone.

for what it’s worth I don’t think it’s your fault at all. Normal people don’t just gate crash other people’s holidays!!!

For the august family holiday...Do yourself a favour and tell everyone not just her its a different country and hotel to the one you are actually staying in.
Or say "somewhere in Portugal i cant remember the exact name"

I get this is her craziness but honestly if it happens again it's on you because you.now know she is like this...
Do NOT tell her details about your plans

On the upcoming holiday I would say nothing now and change your booking.
I would not care if i was in a "less nice hotel" I'd still change it a. For myself and b. To underscore bad behaviour is not rewarded.

It's still going to be waaaaay nicer then being haunted by your mother at the "nice hotel"

Let her go out there and sit on her own for a week.
Consequences have actions.

By using the ‘party/celebration’ emoji after stating it was your first solo holiday with DS you clearly indicated it was something you were happy about - so absolutely not unreasonable to expect her to cancel. I’d probably refrain from asking her to cancel but make it clear she has overstepped a boundary, I expect there’s a good chance she will go down the martyr route of ‘I’ve spent hundreds but I’ll cancel as I want you to enjoy your holiday’ expecting you to say ‘oh don’t do that’ - this will hopefully be your chance to get the cancel and make her think it’s her own idea.

Think I’d just go and make the most of it. Not worth the hurt it’ll cause to ask her to cancel. It’s annoying but jeez oh. You could always go and set ground rules.

No, absolutely tell her this is only for you and your son. If she insists, tell her firmly she needs to be doing her own thing the whole time and the only thing you're concentrating on is time alone with your son.

This isn't on you at all btw. It's entirely on batshit mother. I can relate as we've had this in my family too, but we're straight forward speaking and would approach it how I've suggested. So what if it rocks the boat, she's the one who moored up on your turf!