AIBU to ask my mum to cancel her holiday hotel booking?

[MammaBear4000]

Booked a weeks holiday with my 7yo son (I have more AL than husband). We've got a week away at the start of the summer holidays I was looking forward to.

Sent a message to the family group chat saying 'first solo holiday with [my son] 🥳' thinking nothing of it. Mum asked where I was going so sent her a link to the hotel.

She's now booked the same holiday (solo room). Sent me a message saying was it ok (i'm working and can't respond straight away...but I would have said it's my first mum and son solo holiday and was looking forward to it). Before I had the chance to reply she booked it.

She fucking booked it within 4 mins of sending the original message.

Now here's were the AIBU part comes in. I want to ask her to cancel (she will lose money on this). Last year she joined a week away with me and my son and completely ruined the holiday. I don't want that to happen again and I can't bear the idea of no buffer and her being with us for a week in the same hotel. We have separate rooms but she won't leave us alone I know that.

Your mother is incredibly rude, but I fear your holiday will be spent dodging her unless you tell her bluntly you didn’t invite her, don’t want her and will not spend time with her if she turns up. I assume this boundary busting behaviour is the tip of the iceberg with this woman.

She did this last year. Why on earth did you send that message to the family group chat? Especially with the name of the hotel!

The definition of insanity is repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.

You are completely unreasonable for the group chat message.

You are not unreasonable for being angry and not wanting your mother to stalk you.

Seriously though she has form, just why?

Editing to add - sorry, I hadn't read all the updates and see last time it was a planned joint holiday rather than exactly the same thing. Lesson learned this time then, as you say. Don't tell her your schedule or she'll plan to shadow it!

Not a weirdo. It’s OPs Mum. She did overstep but maybe was well meant. Wanted to spend time with her DD and DGS so got carried away. From her perspective maybe didn’t occur to her she isn’t wanted or welcome.

Know I’ll get a pile on for saying it too but for those of us who’ve lost their Mum’s do think jeez oh, life is too short so option to make the best of it too and not overshare next time.

For this Mum not the consensus I know but do think about the hurt she’ll feel being told to cancel which, just my view be worse than seeing her couple of hours a day and doing own thing with DS other times.

Perhaps you missed what happened last holiday

Why the hell did u send a link on the family group??! Keep things private in future till you have got back from said holiday. Especially since mum has form for holidaying with you in the past, and u saying she ruined it !

Ask her ‘what part of 'first solo holiday with [my son] 🥳' did you take as an invitation?’ , and be very clear with her that she has overstepped a boundary.

So she ruined the last holiday and you sent her the link to the next one???

And for the people saying ‘why did you share a link?’, that’s not the issue. It’s not normal to go ahead and book yourself on to someone’s holiday without discussing it with them.

Nope, didn’t miss that. If it’s not one thing it’s your Mother. In same way OP keen to spend time with DS, could be her Mum keen to spend time with them. I doubt she booked thinking she would be unwelcome and unwanted. It’s an overstep and annoying but to ask her to cancel now be extremely hurtful especially as OP scored an own goal oversharing. Each to their own but I couldn’t do that to someone.

I'd just be very blunt and say 'I thought from the fact I clearly said solo holiday it was obvious I didn't want to share it. Unfortunately this is still the case so feel free to still go but me & DS will be doing our own thing as I originally planned and I don't intend for you to be a part of this, it's a shame you didn't actually wait for a response as I would have told you this'
She's relying on you to just roll over and accommodate her, why would you when the last holiday with her was horrible?

You know she won't give you space and you'll be on edge the whole time.... Unfortunately this holiday is ruined before you even get there.

Tell her you have a plan for each day and you won’t be adapting it as the whole point of the holiday is to spend time doing things alone with DS so she will possibly see you for some dinners but you can’t make any promises.

Sorry you’re in a tough situation OP! Your mother sounds like mine - narcissistic personality. Others who judge you don’t have similar mothers, and don’t understand it’s very difficult having a mother like this, whose behaviour is entirely self centered but they’ll never see it as such and somehow you’ll always be the bad guy!. Just learn from this one and try and get through the holiday by being busy with your child.

This mother put her grandchild at great risk and then screamed at the OP in response

there are mothers, and then there are mothers like this

The saucy mare has hijacked your holiday and it’s her who’s having none of it?? I think it might be time to lay down some very firm boundaries with your mum and remind her that you are an independent adult and not someone she can bend to her will anymore.

I’d send her a message saying that you’re really shocked that she thought it was an acceptable thing to do, especially after the events of last year confirmed that you were not compatible travelling companions and that you’d tried to drop a hint about the wrong hotel so as not to hurt her feelings, but as she’s chosen to ignore you, you have no choice but to be blunt. Tell her that you think she should either cancel or invite a companion to join her because you will be spending your days alone with your DS and will not be available for meals or day trips or days around the pool. Tell her that you’re disappointed in her and that you expected better behaviour from her.

And then never share your location with anyone beyond the country. My DH’s relatives do this sort of thing. You think you’re having a casual conversation about holiday plans and next thing you know, some twat in a sombrero is standing next to you at the bar presenting it as a done deal that you’ll be spending the next two weeks with them in a beach bar somewhere. It makes me so relieved we can’t afford to go abroad!

No hinting, not “you’re welcome to come but…”

Tell her bluntly that you don’t want her to come. That you were looking forward to it being solo, hence the 🥳

Tell her that if she’d waited for an answer you’d have told her. Nothing personal (you can say if you want to soften it) you just want to be you and your son.

This.

Group what’s app are the devil 😈 delete all

Despite wanting to send some of the messages sent by PPs, reality is that I would probably go with it this time and never ever pre-announce a holiday ever again. Lesson learned.

I think you should be more direct OP. “Mum. It was clear I was excited about my first solo holiday with DS. I can’t believe you’ve booked the same hotel, without waiting for me to confirm it was ok. Especially after your behaviour last year. I’d prefer you to cancel or change your booking as I booked this trip as quality time for me and DS, just the two of us. “

She sounds like a fucking nightmare. I would be straight with her, OP. Tell her outright that you don't want her there, and why. And see if you can get transferred to somewhere else.

Ugh. YANBU, a couple of years ago DH and I booked to take our DDs abroad. It was only the 2nd time we'd been abroad just the 4 of us, the first time was more than 10 years ago, and this trip was timed for the summer before DD1 left for uni.

We'd had a holiday with my DM about 5 years previously, and when she heard we'd booked this trip, she asked if she could join us. It was really difficult to say no, but I did. I explained that we were hoping to spend some quality time with our DDs before DD1 left for uni, and my DM seemed a bit sad, but accepted it.

Then, a month before we were due to fly, she told me she'd been looking at the hotel we were staying at and they had some really good deals. That she could book a room and just spend a bit of time with us here and there. I was really annoyed, because our DDs were 16 and 18, and had busy social lives so we didn't get to spend much time with them as it was, and we were so looking forward to getting to do that on this trip. I told her again, that no, we really wanted it to be just the 4 of us.

If she had come and we'd agreed to spend a couple of days and dinners with her, then I'd have felt constantly guilty that she was there alone, and would have ended up asking her to join us, which would have pissed off DH, and spoiled what I had been so looking forward to.

DM ended up booking a trip with a friend, so I felt less guilty about her "missing out", but I was really irritated that she pushed it, even after I'd said no the first time and explained my reasons.

@MammaBear4000 I think you need to be direct here, or you risk feeling resentful during your holiday if you do spend time with her, and guilty if you don't. Far better to deal with it now, so it doesn't spoil your trip. I hope you and DS have a brilliant time!

Yeah, I lost my mum a while back also and would not have put up with behaviour like this - not that she would have done so

Plenty of those of us who have lost our mums don't think this. Many of us remember that even though it's a tragedy they're gone, that doesn't overwrite all our other needs and relationships, and wouldn't make them the only person worth centering.

Just don't go, Op.

It seemed like you were fishing for her to go along, really, when you gave hints of being alone and gave details etc. If coping with DM is what you can't do why would you tease her?

Ask DM if she has a friend who she would like to holiday with or on sell it or take whatever they give you when you cancel.

Holiday at home the same week while DM is away.

Take DS out to local adventures or train it to the coast for a night.

Personally, if I were you, I would always have a weekend away with DM and visit regularly but not tell details of holiday plans in advance.

.