Would you report neighbour?

[racetothebar]

I am retired now so I am home all day but it’s been a while since I have had any children around but I used to be a childminder and found it exhausting, we went for walks in the woods, to the park, to the shops, we did messy play, painting, crafting, play doe and sand, read books and sang songs and I remember it being quite full on though this was 20 years ago.
My neighbour is at home all day with her little one who I’d say is almost 2 if not already.
She has no nets so unintentionally I can see into her living room from my bedroom which I sit in a lot as it’s sunny and I like to read by the window.
I notice she sits on the sofa looking at her phone almost all day and the little one just plays by himself, he has the telly on and she doesn’t play with him, doesn’t talk to him or look at him and he spends all day playing on the floor by himself.
Occasionally she will sit in the garden when the weather is nice with a full bottle of wine and put a few toys on the lawn while she sits on the lounger chair music in ears on staring at her phone.
The little boy is just playing by himself and she will drink the full bottle and then they’ll go in.
I hear the little one crying from about 6:30-7 so presumably she has put him to bed and he’s crying himself to sleep.

I don’t know them so haven’t spoken to them previously but I did see the mum and toddler in the local convenience store and said hello to the boy and mum said he doesn’t say anything yet.
I feel so sad that he spends all day watching tv and playing on the floor on his own while his mum ignores him on the sofa head in phone, I’ve no idea what she does but it’s constant.
No wonder he can’t talk if he’s never interacted with.

I have never seen anyone go to the house, she’s a very socially awkward and keeps herself to herself.
She has a husband but he leaves early and comes home late so it’s just the two of them all day.

Would you report for neglect?

Well what is there to report? The fact that the mother drinks wine “occasionally” or that the child plays alone while the mother is on her phone?
Seriously? If she was staggering around blind drunk fair enough, if the kid was running the streets on his own fair enough but what’s you’ve got here is probably what a lot of families in the world live like now.
What if the child was sitting in front of a tv screen or tablet watching cartoons or playing games?
A lot of kids enjoy just sitting playing with their toys, or sitting watching a screen it’s hardly something to report or do something about.

In the first instance, have you thought about extending the hand of friendship and inviting them round for a coffee.

How do you know what you assume to be a whole bottle of wine isn't cordial or 0%.

Based on what you have assumed, if that's the worst of it, do you really think the family needs an SS report on their record.

If I knew where you lived I'd bung the lass enough to order some blinds. Does she know about the spying?

No neglect?

I beg to differ.

She might be on her phone criticising any parent who occasionally shouts "No" at their child, or moaning about the teacher who expected parents to care about their child's behaviour.
Poor kid.
While my grandparents (in both countries) would have brought their children up in ways people would criticise today, I think they were all brought up better than this child.
And OP, I'm sorry people are being so rude to you for caring about this child. It's worrying that people don't think there's a problem.

Maybe you could befriend them and take the toddler to the park or ask her in for coffee and play with the little boy , maybe she just doesn’t know what to do with a toddler?

If you really know what she is doing all day every day, you are the main problem here. You're either lying/exaggerating or obsessed with the family.

A parent sitting at home by themselves and drinking an entire bottle of wine while ignoring a toddler is a very different scenario from yours.

Would you not try to befriend her? It might be nice to have a little visitor occasionally. It sounds like she is lonely and depressed, it’s hard to feel
motivated when your broke and don’t have a close relationship with anyone.

I should ignore all the unkind replies that you have received. Perhaps your post has touched a nerve with some of them.

I think if the child appears well fed and dressed appropriately and you haven’t witnessed any abuse of any sort then there is nothing you can do.

Just hope the child will go to nursery soon and will thrive there.

I think you have a genuine concern for the child but perhaps it would be better for your own equilibrium to focus less on this little family. Sometimes we just have to accept that things are beyond our sphere of influence. I do acknowledge that your valid concerns come from a kind heart.

Unless you are watching her all day everyday (creepy) then you are actually only seeing very small snippets of their day/homelife and are in no position to judge. Social services have much more serious cases to deal with, don't waste their time.

I would think it’s more of a red flag that someone spends their time looking through the window into someone’s house.

Has anyone seen the Alan Bennett Talking Heads ‘Ladies of Letters’?

Oh my goodness, I can see where you’re coming from!!

Definitely. You need better books - the ones you're claiming to read by the window can't be all that interesting.

I’ve been that new mum struggling with PND not coping with parenthood, drinking to blot out the crying and not playing with my baby . I had a lovely neighbour who was retired and kept an eye out for me - if my curtains were not open until late in the day she knew I was struggling and would knock for a cup of tea and chat - offered to take him for a walk while I slept / showered . It helped and we are good friends 15 years later.

I think community is under-rated these days

This. Dear gods.

The OP probably wasn’t watching intently at first, but surely after a while, of glancing over and the same scene is there with no activity, you’d naturally start taking a bit more notice purely out of concern for the child. It doesn’t make her a weird stalker as pp say!

No - if I did glance over I wouldn’t actually notice, I wouldn’t think anything of it. But then I’m not invested enough in my neighbours and their lives to be bothered.

@racetothebar , you’re getting a lot of stick here unjustifiably in my opinion. Mumsnet is awash with women who are very sticky about women being criticised. Modern parenting is often very neglectful in my observation, children and parents glued to screens; it’s very sad. You need to remember that the type of parenting you have witnessed is probably common among those who are berating you…
You are being an absolute busy body considering reporting the poor woman who clearly lacks good parenting skills. Could you consider befriending her? Ask them over, play with her child and chat to her? Maybe if she sees there is another way of parenting things for this child will change, if that doesn’t happen I fear there will be another child labelled as being neurodivergent and further benefit claims ensuing.

This is utterly shit parenting. I absolutely HATE how many parents are glued to their phones these days.

Sadly, we can see from the responses here, that many people think this is fine. Fuck me.

Noone is saying it is ideal but it is not neglect either. In the same way a partner having an affair isn't the best behaviour but you wouldn't report it to the police. And obviously we are relying on the fact that OP claims she stalks her neighbour all day everyday to come to this conclusion. Other than at bedtime OP hasn't mentioned an unhappy child, upset or shouting. Not to mention posters should not be encouraging OP to continue harassing this woman as this is illegal and OP could end up in alot of trouble and may well be in need to intervention herself.

I can't think of the term off the top of my head but it is understood in child protection in this country that as part of living in a democracy we have to accept that sometimes things we deem 'bad parenting' are good enough.

I would 100% report for neglect.
poor child crying every night. And being ignored while mum is pissed. Drinking a bottle of wine while looking after your child is not ok. Shocking how many on here think this is acceptable.

you don’t need the internet to tell you it’s the right thing to do. If you get a bad feeling about the whole situation, trust your intuition, I would phone social services and anonymously report neglect concerns.

I know what it means what's why I used it. Do you know the meaning of it?

Idiot parent but nothing for social to worry about especially if the child looks well fed and dressed. Hopefully when the child goes to nursery he/she will have more interactions with others