Would you report neighbour?

[racetothebar]

I am retired now so I am home all day but it’s been a while since I have had any children around but I used to be a childminder and found it exhausting, we went for walks in the woods, to the park, to the shops, we did messy play, painting, crafting, play doe and sand, read books and sang songs and I remember it being quite full on though this was 20 years ago.
My neighbour is at home all day with her little one who I’d say is almost 2 if not already.
She has no nets so unintentionally I can see into her living room from my bedroom which I sit in a lot as it’s sunny and I like to read by the window.
I notice she sits on the sofa looking at her phone almost all day and the little one just plays by himself, he has the telly on and she doesn’t play with him, doesn’t talk to him or look at him and he spends all day playing on the floor by himself.
Occasionally she will sit in the garden when the weather is nice with a full bottle of wine and put a few toys on the lawn while she sits on the lounger chair music in ears on staring at her phone.
The little boy is just playing by himself and she will drink the full bottle and then they’ll go in.
I hear the little one crying from about 6:30-7 so presumably she has put him to bed and he’s crying himself to sleep.

I don’t know them so haven’t spoken to them previously but I did see the mum and toddler in the local convenience store and said hello to the boy and mum said he doesn’t say anything yet.
I feel so sad that he spends all day watching tv and playing on the floor on his own while his mum ignores him on the sofa head in phone, I’ve no idea what she does but it’s constant.
No wonder he can’t talk if he’s never interacted with.

I have never seen anyone go to the house, she’s a very socially awkward and keeps herself to herself.
She has a husband but he leaves early and comes home late so it’s just the two of them all day.

Would you report for neglect?

No as its no where near a level of concern thats just crappy parenting and probably mental illness

You need to get a hobby and stop spying on your neighbour.

Assuming the child is clean, healthy, fed, dressed and has toys and entertainment, there's no neglect here and to be honest, you really need to stop staring into your neighbours' windows. You have no idea what their circumstances are. You don't know them. It's not a crime to have a glass of wine while your child plays. It's not a crime to watch TV. It's not a crime to parent children in a way that's different from the way you might do it.

You sounds absolutely obsessed with her.

Have you considered getting a hobby that doesn't involve spying on your neighbours?

This. Please try and get out of the house a bit more.

You sound very odd. Do you have nothing better to do than stalking your neighbour and judging her? Its quite frightening to read how much you watch her.

I think you need a hobby.

If a two year old isn’t at least trying to speak then I’d think some intervention’s needed. At the very least a home visit from the local Health Visitor.

In the circumstances you’ve described, OP, I would report this. They’re not going to remove the child (nor should they), but they might offer some targeted help, such as parenting classes or specialist help for the child.

If the child isn’t going to a playgroup then it’s more difficult for the ‘system’ to pick up that there’s an issue.

As you get older it seems as though all you were doing was playing ,engaging with DC and so on.However I imagine you would also have a cup of tea or a break when they were asleep or playing with toys.Kindly I would not get involved.SS probably wouldnt be interested anyway . I would see if you can find a hobby which takes you outdoors!

This does sound worrying to be honest. She sounds depressed . I don’t what what the right thing to do is but you could raise a concern if only that it may contribute towards a pattern of events if things worsen.

To those who have been rude - would you have said the same to the neighbours of baby P.

My child didn't speak at 2yrs. He's current studying for a linguistics degree. Mind your own.

No, but I might report you for being a peeping Tom. You must be gazing into her house for long periods to have gleaned all that information.

Seriously though if you you’re retired and home all day you could spend a little time getting to know your neighbour. You might just be the moral booster she needs to improve her routine.

I did just that a few years ago with my neighbour who is 30 odd years younger than me. We are friends now rather than neighbours.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here OP. I do agree with others that it's a bit weird you are so aware of what your neighbour is doing.

However, if as you say it's all day, everyday that she doesn't really interact with him then it is possible she is not meeting his emotional/social needs which is very serious. She may have her own stuff going on which makes it hard.

Someone above posted about him being fed, clean and healthy etc but that's not everything a child needs. And safeguarding is everyone's business.

I would contact local health visiting team, as he will be under them and just say what your concerns are. They can decide if they need to do an extra visit and offer support.

Stop spying on your neighbour.
Unless you are constantly watching through her windows you have no idea if you have caught her in the 10 mins she gets to have a warm cup of tea or if fact that is what she does all day.
If you are genuinely watching her all day and that is all she does and you see her every moment of the day....then report. But I doubt this is the case. You have seen a snapshot of her day and made a judgement about her.

What a dramatic and hyperbolic comparison. A mum letting her baby play independently and using sleep training is in no way comparable to the horrific case of baby P. This sort of desperate need to criticise women’s parenting and fabricate abuse when there is none “just in case” is creating situations where social workers are so busy following up on these sort of non-reports that they do not have the time to deal with the genuine problems. Social workers are swamped and don’t need bored retirees wasting their time with “Cheryl’s not a perfect mum like I was, so, she might be… AN ABUSER!!!!”

Good grief OP, unless you have a surveillance camera on her all day, every day, you cannot possibly know if the reality of this little boy's life is remotely like the one you have conjured up in your own head.

I am normally someone who usually thinks better to be safe than sorry when it comes to babies and children, but in this case unless you have seen her abuse the child in some way, what on earth would you say to SS?

Perhaps try and get to know them and see if this reassures you...

"The little boy is just playing by himself and she will drink the full bottle"

Does nobody else think this is a bit of a worry?

She may be lonely and struggling. Would you be interested in introducing yourself and getting to know her? She might appreciate the contact.

I think it’s a bit of a worry that the OP sits watching for the length of time it takes to drink a bottle of wine. That’s quite the amount of time to be looking through the window at someone.

Stop being a stalker ! Your the one that needs reporting !!

The OP doesn't even know this family, and neither do you.

She doesn't know the child's age - she's just guessing. The child might not be anywhere near two yet. And her only interaction was when she said 'hello' to the child in a shop and the mother said 'He doesn't say anything yet'. That doesn't mean the child isn't trying to speak. Neither does it mean that the mother isn't aware that intervention might be needed - or that intervention isn't already happening.

The OP's sole experience of this family is one brief interaction in a shop and - for some reason - staring through their bloody window non-stop like a weirdo.

She sounds depressed

I'd be bloody depressed if a random old woman was gawping at me all day and monitoring my every move through my windows.

I think your concern is legitimate and I understand why you're worried for the little boy. If he were old enough to be in nursery or school I would talk with them

I think it's clear you don't think he's in danger. The mum might be unsupported, depressed, maybe she didn't have a positive childhood with all the lovely normal experiences you facilitated as a childminder.

The fear with Social Services or Children's Services or whatever is always that some middle class people with clipboards are going to come and take your child/baby away and make judgements about your life.

In our school, as in many others in the UK, we use a reporting system called My Concern, this is really useful for building a picture around a child and seeing the patterns and ways in which they can best be supported, or where something might be a one off or actually lots of little things add up. I don't really know what's in place for pre-school babies and toddlers.

I lived in Flying Start areas when my children were new and little so I had free access to lots of parenting courses, baby play, talk and sing, baby massage, all sorts. And I know it wasn't aimed at me because I already saw value in nursery rhymes and reading to my babies and chatting to them with full words and sentences and getting down on the floor to fully engage with them. Because that was my norm and that's what I saw from family members and other mums around me and was what I remember as an older sibling of many. Some cultures and communities don't do it so much. Some parents who've not seen it modelled won't do it naturally. Some people don't do loads of research about parenting and some do.

My hope would be that this mum does make the change and engage as she'd get so much more out of the relationship too. Mainly though, the little boy will have a better time of it with speech and language development, social skills and emotional wellbeing.

Is there a way to chat with her and maybe invite them both over to spend a little bit of time at yours or at the park or in your garden? A chance to connect with the mum but also to model (in a very gentle and natural way) talking and playing with the boy, singing nursery rhymes, word games etc. Doesn't have to be anything big or fancy, something like "I spotted these bubble wands on offer at the shop and thought he'd enjoy it" and blow them in the garden while he chases them and talking about bubbles "ooo that's a big bubble, can you make it pop?" "yay, POP!"

I see the comments from people saying mind your own business but I genuinely think your concern has come from a place of care. Of course as mums we all have down time, we have the moments of scrolling or drinking, but it sounds like this family aren't also getting the fun interactive stuff and that's sad. Also, you've come here for advice, you've not chatted in the supermarket tutting about this mum, I believe that you want to help the mum to make a change.

We have so many 3 year olds come to nursery with lower levels of speech and language development (and toileting and so on) than children the same age in the same deprived area a decade ago. What you've described in this household in a huge part of that. She's probably caring well for him in every other way - clean clothes and bedding, good food, tooth brushing etc but that lack of play and communication really does matter.

I think it's a two pronged thing: 1. you building a relationship with the neighbour so there's someone she can trust and that can model positive communication, play and cheap days out (park, beach, museum) with the boy and 2. give the NSPCC a call for some specific advice around who you could talk to.

This advice from Action for Children could be helpful and suggests giving the NSPCC a call: Get help if you're worried about someone else’s child

It doesn't sound ideal but unless you are monitoring her 24/7 then you don't know that she doesn't interact with him or do anything.

I get where you’re coming from in that I don’t think we should never intervene.

But baby P was filthy, malnourished, covered in visible injuries and living in a cess pit with drug users and a literal snake slithering around. It doesn’t really sound the same.

OP - i’m with you it’s very sad. But social services are stretched and won’t do anything unless the child is in danger of death.

The mum sounds depressed. When I had PND i didn’t want to interact with kids either. You could try and knock on her door and make friends. You could write to the father anonymously. When i was depressed some neighbours gently talked to me and actually I wasn’t offended, I’d thought no one cared that I was so miserable.

It's shit parenting but nowhere near meeting benchmarks for neglect I'm afraid.