Would you report neighbour?

[racetothebar]

I am retired now so I am home all day but it’s been a while since I have had any children around but I used to be a childminder and found it exhausting, we went for walks in the woods, to the park, to the shops, we did messy play, painting, crafting, play doe and sand, read books and sang songs and I remember it being quite full on though this was 20 years ago.
My neighbour is at home all day with her little one who I’d say is almost 2 if not already.
She has no nets so unintentionally I can see into her living room from my bedroom which I sit in a lot as it’s sunny and I like to read by the window.
I notice she sits on the sofa looking at her phone almost all day and the little one just plays by himself, he has the telly on and she doesn’t play with him, doesn’t talk to him or look at him and he spends all day playing on the floor by himself.
Occasionally she will sit in the garden when the weather is nice with a full bottle of wine and put a few toys on the lawn while she sits on the lounger chair music in ears on staring at her phone.
The little boy is just playing by himself and she will drink the full bottle and then they’ll go in.
I hear the little one crying from about 6:30-7 so presumably she has put him to bed and he’s crying himself to sleep.

I don’t know them so haven’t spoken to them previously but I did see the mum and toddler in the local convenience store and said hello to the boy and mum said he doesn’t say anything yet.
I feel so sad that he spends all day watching tv and playing on the floor on his own while his mum ignores him on the sofa head in phone, I’ve no idea what she does but it’s constant.
No wonder he can’t talk if he’s never interacted with.

I have never seen anyone go to the house, she’s a very socially awkward and keeps herself to herself.
She has a husband but he leaves early and comes home late so it’s just the two of them all day.

Would you report for neglect?

He is fed, housed, has someone watching over him, access to toys, and is put to bed at a reasonable time…you on the other hand have issues.

if you are watching enough to know she doesn’t interact with him you are watching too much. If you aren’t watching all of the time you can’t possibly know what is happening.

I don’t know who you think you are, but you need to get a grip and stop judging other people, it is rude and disrespectful.

Oh that’s so sad! It must be hard to see that going on next door.

The drinking heavily while looking after a toddler is actually an issue worth reporting, I think.

The rest is depressing but not going to lead to any support. Just continuing inter-generational misery.

I think thats a bit harsh. I know my neighbour has a 6 foot telly and it’s on all day as whenever i glance up from my desk, i see right in. Thats not spying it’s just noticing.

"I am retired now"

You don't say.

Hopefully little one will be starting nursery soon - I think they get some free hours.
I remember taking my kids to the park and seeing the mums all just sat there on their phones. It's sad.

There's a big difference between noticing a giant telly in someone's house and staring at them to observe the way they interact with their child and monitor their wine intake.

The neighbour opposite me has a huge telly which is also always on; it's impossible not to notice it. But I certainly couldn't tell you whether he's always on his phone, how he interacts with the other person in the house, whether he's sitting in a chair the whole time or what/when he drinks.

Similarly, there's a retired couple in a house with a garden that backs on to ours. When I'm working in my home office space upstairs, I can see them whenever they're out on their decking - which, if the weather is dry and the temperature's even a tiny bit warm, they pretty much always are; they must just love being outdoors. So I notice them there and I know they have two little dogs. But I certainly couldn't tell you what they're actually doing all day, or whether they drink alcohol, or whether they play with the dogs, or whether they chat to each other, or any of those things.

Glancing up and thinking 'Oh, there's the woman over the road in her front room with the toddler' is normal. Watching them for hours to see whether they interact and if the mother is using her phone? Nope, that's not normal. It's intrusive and weird.

I’d imagine the health visiting team will still be involved so if they find any issues, I’m sure they’ll sort it. She’s just a mum trying to get through the day. It’s difficult when they’re small. Not everyone knows how to interact with them or enjoys it frankly. The child has toys, presumably looks clean and fed, the house isn’t a state I guess? She’s not outwardly neglectful, just from the snapshots you’ve seen struggles to know how to play with him.

If he’s non verbal it can make it tougher, he may have autism. My DS is 5 and still classes as non verbal, he’s improving but he doesn’t really have back and forth conversation so we sit together in silence a lot (which I enjoy!).

I’ll mirror other posters and say you need to get a life.

Are you going to phone social services about all the mums who go out for lunch and a couple of Aperol spritzes together with their kids in pushchairs as well, then? Because there are millions of them, and you're going to be very busy on the phone.

How do you know all this if you can only see in her living room window and have never spoken to her?

Russia just called and said they’ve got very special job for you if the USSR ever reforms.

No but you win this week's award for the nosiest f**ker on the Net!!

She’s probably got a thread somewhere asking if she should report her neighbour for spending most of her day staring at her through her bedroom window under the guise of reading.
Exactly how many hours a day are you spending on snooping?

Sorry but what your child did or didn’t do is not of relevance. The main concern is not that he’s not yet able to speak, presumably if there’s a delay that will be picked up hopefully by HVs or nursery staff if he goes. The concern is mum sitting ignoring all day (if that really is true though OP, as I wonder actually how much of the day do you see?) and drinking full bottles of wine? (Again, how often and within what time frame?)

As a social worker, this would have been early help more than any clear safeguarding concern. But if everything is true in this, then perhaps there is a cause for support

Saying ‘mind your own business’, - sorry, but safeguarding is EVERYONES business. As long as this isn’t a malicious concern and has some basis! people are quick to judge services but don’t want to share pieces of the puzzle.

There's an interesting disconnect between how many threads acknowledge that many children aren't getting a good start in life and the rather extreme reactions to you noticing your neighbours. I'd have noticed - just because they are my neighbours. Other people are so self absorbed they don't notice the lives of others. Part of being in a community is caring about the lives of others though it's harder now to know what to do

Yes what you're seeing wouldn't result in a child being removed but it does sound like mum and baby need some early help. Better now then when they are struggling in school. I would ring nspcc and follow their advice.

I would speak to her on a casual basis and be friendly rather than keep watching her. Make friends if possible with her.

But HOW does she know he cant speak if she can only see in their front room window?? She has never spoken to the women either so how does she know she drinks, and the kid cant speak. She has no idea about their lives other than what she see’s when she is snooping through her bedroom window

When did we start calling care and worry nosiness? There might be something wrong there might not. But imagine not caring and something happened to that child while his mum had her face in her phone, which we all know is a major problem these days, the outcry would be "why didn't the neighbours do anything". Probably health visitors is a way to start if you know them in your area. Concern is a good thing.

As someone who works in that field, that would no where meet the threshold for neglect.

Surely you are not sat there watching every minute of the day for several hours straight? You might be seeing snippets of their day. Maybe she is playing with the child in between being on her phone. Maybe shes working, I do quite a bit on my phone as its easier than getting my laptop out for some tasks.

You dont know the full picture and whilst I get you are concerned, as it is far from the threshold of neglect I would spend your time doing something else rather than watching your neighbour. Or maybe knock on and see if shes OK? She maybe depressed or she may just not have any friends to go out with. There are so many reasons it could be.
Unless the child looks like they are not fed and are filthy and/ or the living conditions look dire? Then I would report.

You can’t surely be watching them all day to know she never interacts with the child?

Even if all of this is true and she is a crap parent, I don’t think anything would be done. There are lots of rubbish parents around who don’t do much with their children and they are left to it. The mother could possibly benefit from help with parenting, but I doubt she’d engage from what you have said. It’s one reason why we are seeing more kids, without any additional needs, start school without being toilet trained and unable to carry out basic tasks. Many would be capable if time and effort was put in.

It’s tricky, because when it comes on the news that a child has been abused, neglected, killed by parents, everyone says why didn’t anyone do anything, but then you spot a potential red flag and people tell you to mind your own business.

I probably would keep out though because tbh, I’ve learnt to only care about my own family and close friends. I’m not responsible for others.

If it's actually true, then yes. But I'm not sure it is.

If you read the OP, it’s tells you.

Also, is it a bottle of wine? Or a bottle of posh fruit juice? She must have binoculars trained on this poor woman to be absolutely sure she's drinking an entire bottle of wine all by herself. Also I'd like to know how the OP can see the woman and the child inside the house and also in the back garden at all times.
Either way, it's intrusive and I feel embarrassed for her. The OP, not the neighbour.

But the OP doesn't actually know how old the child is, or whether the mother has already looked into getting help for his speech, or anything else. She said hello to the child and the mother said he doesn't speak yet. That's literally all the OP knows. That's not a reason to assume neglect FFS!

Not sure what you bring a childminder 20 years ago has got to do with anything. Anyway, stop being so nosey.

You lost me at “she has no nets’

stop looking and if you’re that concerned speak to her. Stop judging, it’s ugly