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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you report neighbour?

104 replies

racetothebar · Today 14:05

I am retired now so I am home all day but it’s been a while since I have had any children around but I used to be a childminder and found it exhausting, we went for walks in the woods, to the park, to the shops, we did messy play, painting, crafting, play doe and sand, read books and sang songs and I remember it being quite full on though this was 20 years ago.
My neighbour is at home all day with her little one who I’d say is almost 2 if not already.
She has no nets so unintentionally I can see into her living room from my bedroom which I sit in a lot as it’s sunny and I like to read by the window.
I notice she sits on the sofa looking at her phone almost all day and the little one just plays by himself, he has the telly on and she doesn’t play with him, doesn’t talk to him or look at him and he spends all day playing on the floor by himself.
Occasionally she will sit in the garden when the weather is nice with a full bottle of wine and put a few toys on the lawn while she sits on the lounger chair music in ears on staring at her phone.
The little boy is just playing by himself and she will drink the full bottle and then they’ll go in.
I hear the little one crying from about 6:30-7 so presumably she has put him to bed and he’s crying himself to sleep.

I don’t know them so haven’t spoken to them previously but I did see the mum and toddler in the local convenience store and said hello to the boy and mum said he doesn’t say anything yet.
I feel so sad that he spends all day watching tv and playing on the floor on his own while his mum ignores him on the sofa head in phone, I’ve no idea what she does but it’s constant.
No wonder he can’t talk if he’s never interacted with.

I have never seen anyone go to the house, she’s a very socially awkward and keeps herself to herself.
She has a husband but he leaves early and comes home late so it’s just the two of them all day.

Would you report for neglect?

OP posts:
CarpetofBluebells · Today 16:44

MajorProcrastination · Today 14:47

I think your concern is legitimate and I understand why you're worried for the little boy. If he were old enough to be in nursery or school I would talk with them

I think it's clear you don't think he's in danger. The mum might be unsupported, depressed, maybe she didn't have a positive childhood with all the lovely normal experiences you facilitated as a childminder.

The fear with Social Services or Children's Services or whatever is always that some middle class people with clipboards are going to come and take your child/baby away and make judgements about your life.

In our school, as in many others in the UK, we use a reporting system called My Concern, this is really useful for building a picture around a child and seeing the patterns and ways in which they can best be supported, or where something might be a one off or actually lots of little things add up. I don't really know what's in place for pre-school babies and toddlers.

I lived in Flying Start areas when my children were new and little so I had free access to lots of parenting courses, baby play, talk and sing, baby massage, all sorts. And I know it wasn't aimed at me because I already saw value in nursery rhymes and reading to my babies and chatting to them with full words and sentences and getting down on the floor to fully engage with them. Because that was my norm and that's what I saw from family members and other mums around me and was what I remember as an older sibling of many. Some cultures and communities don't do it so much. Some parents who've not seen it modelled won't do it naturally. Some people don't do loads of research about parenting and some do.

My hope would be that this mum does make the change and engage as she'd get so much more out of the relationship too. Mainly though, the little boy will have a better time of it with speech and language development, social skills and emotional wellbeing.

Is there a way to chat with her and maybe invite them both over to spend a little bit of time at yours or at the park or in your garden? A chance to connect with the mum but also to model (in a very gentle and natural way) talking and playing with the boy, singing nursery rhymes, word games etc. Doesn't have to be anything big or fancy, something like "I spotted these bubble wands on offer at the shop and thought he'd enjoy it" and blow them in the garden while he chases them and talking about bubbles "ooo that's a big bubble, can you make it pop?" "yay, POP!"

I see the comments from people saying mind your own business but I genuinely think your concern has come from a place of care. Of course as mums we all have down time, we have the moments of scrolling or drinking, but it sounds like this family aren't also getting the fun interactive stuff and that's sad. Also, you've come here for advice, you've not chatted in the supermarket tutting about this mum, I believe that you want to help the mum to make a change.

We have so many 3 year olds come to nursery with lower levels of speech and language development (and toileting and so on) than children the same age in the same deprived area a decade ago. What you've described in this household in a huge part of that. She's probably caring well for him in every other way - clean clothes and bedding, good food, tooth brushing etc but that lack of play and communication really does matter.

I think it's a two pronged thing: 1. you building a relationship with the neighbour so there's someone she can trust and that can model positive communication, play and cheap days out (park, beach, museum) with the boy and 2. give the NSPCC a call for some specific advice around who you could talk to.

This advice from Action for Children could be helpful and suggests giving the NSPCC a call: Get help if you're worried about someone else’s child

What a lovely helpful response. I was coming here to say something similar but @MajorProcrastination has said it much better than I could.
I hope you can somehow befriend this mum OP.

Itiswhysofew · Today 16:44

whatonearthdoidoz · Today 16:18

Yeah I quite like the human instinct. I think we've lost something as a society where we don't look out for our smallest members. The question is where to draw the line of leaving it vs getting involved. I think this is more of a 'leave it' scenario but still, nice that someone cares.

As I said on an earlier post I had quite bad depression a few years back and some very kind neighbors intervened. Invited me out. Sat me down and told me to get help. It was actually lovely as it came from a place of kindness. I did get help and I'm much better now.

It's good to know people care. Hope you're still doing well😊

Pansykavalier · Today 16:45

moderateme · Today 16:16

"I also do feel very sad for that child and sad for the mother who doesn't look like she's coping very well."

Exactly - this is not a happy situation for Mother or Child and I am not surprised the OP is worried.

Same here. I would talk to the NSPCA to see what they would suggest.

EmeraldShamrock000 · Today 16:47

It is terrible parenting, not a crime. Seriously though stop looking in through her window. Creepy.

Netcurtainnelly · Today 16:47

racetothebar · Today 14:05

I am retired now so I am home all day but it’s been a while since I have had any children around but I used to be a childminder and found it exhausting, we went for walks in the woods, to the park, to the shops, we did messy play, painting, crafting, play doe and sand, read books and sang songs and I remember it being quite full on though this was 20 years ago.
My neighbour is at home all day with her little one who I’d say is almost 2 if not already.
She has no nets so unintentionally I can see into her living room from my bedroom which I sit in a lot as it’s sunny and I like to read by the window.
I notice she sits on the sofa looking at her phone almost all day and the little one just plays by himself, he has the telly on and she doesn’t play with him, doesn’t talk to him or look at him and he spends all day playing on the floor by himself.
Occasionally she will sit in the garden when the weather is nice with a full bottle of wine and put a few toys on the lawn while she sits on the lounger chair music in ears on staring at her phone.
The little boy is just playing by himself and she will drink the full bottle and then they’ll go in.
I hear the little one crying from about 6:30-7 so presumably she has put him to bed and he’s crying himself to sleep.

I don’t know them so haven’t spoken to them previously but I did see the mum and toddler in the local convenience store and said hello to the boy and mum said he doesn’t say anything yet.
I feel so sad that he spends all day watching tv and playing on the floor on his own while his mum ignores him on the sofa head in phone, I’ve no idea what she does but it’s constant.
No wonder he can’t talk if he’s never interacted with.

I have never seen anyone go to the house, she’s a very socially awkward and keeps herself to herself.
She has a husband but he leaves early and comes home late so it’s just the two of them all day.

Would you report for neglect?

Poor little boy ignored all day . She needs to interact with him and take him out sometimes. She sounds like she's acting like a woman who lives alone with no responsibilities rather than a mum with a toddler to look after
She probably got an obsession with her phone. You see it on the bus instead of parents talking to their children about what they can see as they go along then are on the phone.
It's how kids learn etc if you interact with them

annjo5 · Today 16:52

Typical MN. Parents who drink around their kids, give their kids screens, never take their kids out etc etc etc are constantly vilified on here. But the second an op raises a concern about all of these things she is sad, weird, nosy, needs a hobby, is a peeping Tom.

Not much point in reporting as although it’s shitty parenting it provably doesn’t meet grounds for neglect. But why on earth people insist on sticking the boot into the op when she’s genuinely concerned about a very young child I don’t know.

Pansykavalier · Today 16:53

Pansykavalier · Today 16:45

Same here. I would talk to the NSPCA to see what they would suggest.

I meant NSPCC, obviously…

Netcurtainnelly · Today 16:56

annjo5 · Today 16:52

Typical MN. Parents who drink around their kids, give their kids screens, never take their kids out etc etc etc are constantly vilified on here. But the second an op raises a concern about all of these things she is sad, weird, nosy, needs a hobby, is a peeping Tom.

Not much point in reporting as although it’s shitty parenting it provably doesn’t meet grounds for neglect. But why on earth people insist on sticking the boot into the op when she’s genuinely concerned about a very young child I don’t know.

Exactly. Perhaps because they do the same
If anything happens to him, people would say why didn't you report. You can't win.

user1492757084 · Today 17:00

Not good but possibly like all parenting was 100 years ago.
Women had to really work to make clothes, cart water, scrub clothes, chop wood - basically ensure survival.
People have not always entertained their children like we do today.

Seymour5 · Today 17:00

annjo5 · Today 16:52

Typical MN. Parents who drink around their kids, give their kids screens, never take their kids out etc etc etc are constantly vilified on here. But the second an op raises a concern about all of these things she is sad, weird, nosy, needs a hobby, is a peeping Tom.

Not much point in reporting as although it’s shitty parenting it provably doesn’t meet grounds for neglect. But why on earth people insist on sticking the boot into the op when she’s genuinely concerned about a very young child I don’t know.

I agree. But as a long time retired person, I was also concerned that the OP equated being retired with being at home all day. @racetothebar I really hope you enjoy retirement, once we no longer have to work, there are so many opportunities to do other things, volunteering, meeting friends, joining an exercise class. Please explore some options, life is too short to sit at home.

deeahgwitch · Today 17:02

ChurchYardFromMyWindow · Today 14:29

"The little boy is just playing by himself and she will drink the full bottle"

Does nobody else think this is a bit of a worry?

I do.
That poor wee child.
Heartbreaking.
Mum on her phone and the tv on.
Children learn to speak by hearing others speak.
Is there another adult in the home ?

tinytemper66 · Today 17:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

deeahgwitch · Today 17:03

annjo5 · Today 16:52

Typical MN. Parents who drink around their kids, give their kids screens, never take their kids out etc etc etc are constantly vilified on here. But the second an op raises a concern about all of these things she is sad, weird, nosy, needs a hobby, is a peeping Tom.

Not much point in reporting as although it’s shitty parenting it provably doesn’t meet grounds for neglect. But why on earth people insist on sticking the boot into the op when she’s genuinely concerned about a very young child I don’t know.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Iexpecttobetired · Today 17:04

Netcurtainnelly · Today 16:56

Exactly. Perhaps because they do the same
If anything happens to him, people would say why didn't you report. You can't win.

It is not how I would parent but it does not meet the threshold for intervention. In most parts of the world and here until recently, leaving a child to play is normal.

OP describes knowing what goes on in both her neighbours living room and garden, she feels she confidently knows what her neighbour is doing most of the time and can see into the house so clearly that she knows what her neighbour is drinking so is likely using something like binoculars or cameras to get a clearer view. This reaches the threshold for harrassment.

Harriet36 · Today 17:04

If this mum is struggling with parenthood, and possibly loneliness as well, I hope the OP can offer her the hand of friendship, without letting her know that she has been watching her. Maybe call round with a toy for the child, and suggest an outing to the park?

Fizzybluewater · Today 17:08

annjo5 · Today 16:52

Typical MN. Parents who drink around their kids, give their kids screens, never take their kids out etc etc etc are constantly vilified on here. But the second an op raises a concern about all of these things she is sad, weird, nosy, needs a hobby, is a peeping Tom.

Not much point in reporting as although it’s shitty parenting it provably doesn’t meet grounds for neglect. But why on earth people insist on sticking the boot into the op when she’s genuinely concerned about a very young child I don’t know.

There is a lot of double standard parenting on MN. These posters who find it fun bitching and slagging off others for being concerned about a young kid.
What if this was a woman who appeared to be abused by her partner and they were hearing her crying or screaming? Don't be nosy, stay out of it and stop watching. Don't report or try to help just ignore it. She ends up badly injured or murdered and every other woman on MN would be up in arms, why didn't anyone help / say something?
Everyone is brave behind a keyboard just are probably wet and spineless irl.

Maddy70 · Today 17:19

No. She's isn't being abused.

Anarchy99 · Today 17:21

Perhaps you should put up nets. You say you read in there but if you did, how would you have the time and attention span to stare at them all day?

Megifer · Today 17:31

Why do people use the phrase "double standards" when they have no idea what it means 😩

bonkersbongo · Today 17:37

Hi op. I doubt ss would do anything, but I totally get where you’re coming from. I have a family member who just sits in all day and their two year old just gets given screens to occupy themselves. Nearing three now but has limited speech. Probably because they get little to no interaction. This child doesn’t get to go to parks, swimming, library or any of the normal things that family member did as a child.they have a garden but it’s a mess so not used. The curtains are closed all day and this poor child is living an awful life within a virtual prison. They leave the house once a week for shopping and that’s it. We tried to help but they won’t accept and she was reported to ss by her neighbour but they just checked child was fed etc and left. It’s so worrying

TheBlueKoala · Today 17:43

Wow, the bar is low for minimum parenting on MN!
@racetothebar Call SS and tell them. The mum is probably depressed and needs help to fulfil her parental obligations. What some people call lazy parenting is neglect and the child would be better off at nursery.

ChurchYardFromMyWindow · Today 18:04

Harriet36 · Today 15:33

If it's actually true, then yes. But I'm not sure it is.

Well we don't know if anything is true on MN so we can only imagine that it is otherwise the whole thing is pointless.

ChurchYardFromMyWindow · Today 18:07

Malasana · Today 14:32

I think it’s a bit of a worry that the OP sits watching for the length of time it takes to drink a bottle of wine. That’s quite the amount of time to be looking through the window at someone.

The OP isn't at any risk of coming to harm from sitting in her window seat.
A little boy potentially in the sole care of someone who has drunk a bottle of wine during the day might be.

Firesidechatter · Today 18:09

Stunned at some of the answers, on a parenting forum too. Where people take more issue with the fact the op looks in her windows than they do her downing a bottle of wine and the boy repeatedly being seen to have no interaction.

you couldn’t make it up.

MissJeanBrodiesmother · Today 18:12

Unless you are spending 8 hours a day watching you are seeing a snapshot of her day. Yiu need to find a hobby