AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

hello. obvs I don't know you in real life but I am baffled by the people who feel so strongly about not wanting to go to a wedding celebration unless it's on the same day as the legal marriage. baffled. In 2 years time you could still have a blessing, make vows, all that. In fact, some of the stronger opinions of people who are anything other than "you do you and I'm happy to be invited to any celebration" are the exact reason you've ended up with a quandary in the first place!

It's just a bit weird isn't it. Either do it now with whatever funds you have or wait and do it in 2yrs.

I think the lying bit is unfair, if you decide to hold a wedding ceremony 2 years after you've already got married then why not be upfront about it....none of this pretending business. Or are you worried that people will back out of coming when they realise?

I will absolutely be wearing a wedding dress at my "party" and doing our own vows with a friend compering them in front of people. We said the bare legal minimum at our marriage ceremony in the council office and afterwards my kids got the train back to their homes and dh went to a work meeting.

And every person I have spoken to about our plans thinks it is perfect for us, and understands our reasons for delaying until 2028, and they are the people who will be attending.

Exactly! The only reason I am having to consider it being secret is because of the crazy reactions demonstrated.

Surely the paper part is also important to you and your partner?

Would you really be happy to go through the rest of your life lying to everyone about when you got married? Knowing the when you reach any notable anniversary that you can't actually celebrate the fact you've reached 5, 10 years etc, as everyone else thinks you've been married for 2 years less than you actually have.

Of course they are all legal weddings. Most require legally registering with the mayors office (legal wedding) and then the actual wedding itself (ceremonial).

Do you not think that anyone who gets married in another country is legally married? A simple Google will tell you if they follow that countries rules than yes it is legal - but they have to do the legal part and not just the ceremony part.

I would suggest your experience is for people who only wanted the wedding part and not the legal requirement part.

I don’t think the vast majority are saying that. They’re saying have a legal marriage and then a celebration in a couple of years but be honest. I would definitely have no problem with going to a celebration, and can see why that would be the special day. But I wouldn’t like the dishonesty. What is special about a wedding (or a delayed marriage celebration) is having your loved ones celebrating your love. That shared joy and love seems tainted when people are being lied to.

I don’t know. I worry people will have strange reaction if they found out. Clearly there are very strong opinions on the matter!

I think most wouldn’t care. But my family is crazy so they care anything and everything. They would bitch and winge. I am not having the wedding for them. The day is about us and they are invited to come or not. But I can’t tell DPs family and not mine.

But it's the secrecy part that's the issue. I wouldn't personally mind if you got married in a registry office and then invited me to a party to celebrate some time later. I would mind if you kept the actual real marriage secret until the party.

So why are they all going to registry offices in U.K beforehand.

The weddings I have attended have not been legal weddings no. Not 2 years apart mind you! But if you take out the time aspect it’s exactly the same.

In quite a few European countries the civil ceremony is quite prescriptive and can only take place at the civic centre, which aren't usually set up for celebrations. Church weddings are not legal weddings, because they have a separation of church and state that we don't. So it's normal to have a symbolic or religious blessing separately to the civil ceremony.

I have a friend who got legally married the day before his "wedding" in France and spent the night of his marriage sleeping on the sofa in our hotel room because he'd lost the keys to the Airbnb he was meant to be staying in (his half-French wife was spending the night with her parents and siblings because they didn't want to spend the night before what they saw as their wedding together.

I’m with you 100% on this!

who gives a toss about signing a contract?

marriage service is one thing - legally binding contract. Not romantic at all and shouldn’t be.

wedding is another matter, a celebration of the union, of the couple, of their love and commitment.

@Wededed I’m getting married in a couple of weeks, just me and him, 2 witnesses- my son and his girlfriend. Then dinner out in the evening for the 4 of us. We’ve been together for 10 years, my second marriage, his 3rd, this is for financial planning and stability in the event of his death basically.

Do what you gotta do to make your family safe and secure, maybe compromise on the ‘do’ and have a celebration next year but be open about it.

I have been to weddings of people who were already married (in one case, there was a wedding in each of the couple's countries of origin and we were at the second wedding). It never bothered me. I have been aware of weddings overseas where there was a very quiet legal wedding here followed by a big wedding in another country.

I think your reasons for doing it this way are valid though I wouldn't keep it secret; just explain the thinking and how the actual wedding is still going to be a special occasion. The 2-year gap is unfortunate but unavoidable - it will come round soon enough(!) and, honestly, it's your day and your celebration and anyone whom you included in the lovely, conveniently-located event in 2028 who chose to be massively pissed off by the fact you were already technically married is being a bit of an arsehole.

You are saying the same thing. Normally it's because you have to be in the country for 10 days to 14 days abroad before you can get legally get married in that country and people don't want to go away for this long before the ceremony. It's the same in the UK - you need to give notice (29 days in the UK).

So, to expedite this process they get legally married in the UK and then have the ceremony abroad. Either way the wedding is legal if the legal process is followed - here or abroad.

It doesn't mean they get married in the UK because it is only legal here!

@Wededed

Generally speaking, any marriage which is legal in the country in which it took place is legal elsewhere. Obvs there are exceptions.

"A foreign marriage is generally valid in the UK if it follows these main rules:

Compliance with local law: The marriage must be legal and recognized in the country where it took place.

Capacity to marry: Both partners must have the legal capacity to marry (e.g., they must be at least 18 years old, not already married, and have mental capacity) according to the laws of their permanent home.

Legal in the UK: It is a type of union that is legally allowed in the UK (e.g., it is not a polygamous marriage if you are domiciled in the UK)"

So if you've attended marriages that 'weren't legal' chances are the couple didn't comply with local law since I'm assuming they were of age, not married already, not mentally incapable of consent, and their marriage would be legal in the UK. But chances are those couples were either already married in the UK or married quietly shortly thereafter.

But as far as your situation, do what you want, keep it a secret for two years if you wish. You do you. Just don't lie about it when the time comes for your big wedding. That's what would piss most people off. That you didn't give them the information they'd need to make an informed decision on attending vs not attending. If it was me, I'd shake my head, think "nowt so queer as folk" but since I love a good party I'd probably attend. But I would also think that you weren't expecting much in the way of gifts other than a card and a nice bottle of wine or such.

I think you could marry legally now, then send out invites for ‘the celebration of your marriage’
and then at the ceremony you can get the person leading it (a cheap friend if not religious, or the priest if in a church) to announce to everyone that this is actually a two year anniversary party! As well as a renewal of vows / marriage blessing if in a church.
i think the people saying they’d only be happy to attend a wedding if they watched the real live legal ceremony are mad. Nearly every wedding I’ve been to abroad the couple have done a civil first at home with just family then a ceremony and party abroad, it’s very normal. My friend also did a paperwork wedding with her husband living abroad then that paperwork got him into the uk so they did their church wedding blessing ‘wedding’ in the uk. None of their guests (who actually like and love them) complained that it wasn’t the ‘real’ legal ceremony and asked for their money back!

I guess your main question is whether to keep it a secret until the event itself or to tell people later, eg you could announce it on the save the dates or celebration invitations …
‘surpise! We tied the knot on 10.10.26, we’d you to celebrate with us with a ceremony to renew our wedding vows in front of all our loved ones / receive a blessing in our church, followed by wedding breakfast and disco at … on 10.10.28‘ - then no one like the entitled Scrooge’s upthread can claim they were hookwinked into spending on travel and hotels 😂

We married legally in February with his daughter and my mother as witnesses. We then had a humanist wedding in September where we exchanged rings and did the whole dress and party thing,

If the government actually allowed humanist (and many other religious) weddings to be legally recognised, we would have done it at the same time. It wasn’t a secret. It was still a wedding because we made only the bare legal declarations at the legal ceremony. In fact we don’t even call the legal ceremony a wedding.

We wanted to stand up in front of friends and family to declare our love for each other and that was the wedding, not four people with two registrars in an office.

And by the way, to just get the £46 bare legal ceremony so that we are protected in law, we had to wait a year because they offered only four slots a week at 9am and 9.30am on a Tuesday and Thursday. This was also not at our local register office but in a bigger city 15 miles away because they didn’t offer bare legal ceremonies at the local office which is within walking distance of our house.

Any other legal ceremony would have cost at least £150 for “room hire”.

Don’t tell the OP is not a real wedding just because they may already have a legal ceremony.

You're going to please yourself anyway, OP, why bother asking?

I'm sure nobody will mind being lied to. Especially as you're the only couple on Earth who have ever had children and needed somewhere to live.

If I get married in a registry office in U.K. and then have my 2028 ‘wedding’. People are right - it’s not a legal wedding.

That’s what I am saying about these abroad weddings. We are saying the same thing.

I don't wish to 'out' myself on here Wededed but if you PM me I can possible give you some advice that may be use to you (I work in the Wedding industry)

@Alottatopspin

It would really fuck me off to attend a ‘wedding’ for people who’d been married 2 years already!

Really? That seems like such a non-issue to me.

Where I’m at religious and humanist weddings are not allowed to take place before the civil wedding (and the religious wedding is not recognised as a legal / civil wedding due to separation of church and state).

So it’s incredibly normal to me to attend weddings of people who had small registry weddings weeks or months in advance.

It’s actually what my DH (or fiancé according to our priest…) and I have done / are doing.

Civil wedding was at the start of 2026, church wedding and actual wedding celebration will be this summer. We consider the summer wedding our „real wedding“, the civil registry one was very simple, short and we didn’t have any guests (not even parents or close family attended)… we don’t even wear our wedding rings yet 🤷‍♀️

But I understand that cultural views and societal practices have shaped our differing opinions…

Honestly, that sounds pretty sensible. The legal side and the celebration don't have to happen on the same day. Plenty of people do the paperwork first and the big party later.

Whats odd about not necessarily wanting to prioritise spending money and time on celebrating the fact that friends of yours have been married for years and are still married? The reason that people are willing to sacrifice time ad money to attend a wedding is that getting married is a big deal. Still being married, not so much.

Different countries have different rules. A lot go to a registry office here because its easier. If your wedding certificate was in a foreign language you have to pay to get it translated for instance. I got married in USA. Completely legal here and very easy to arrange.
I completely understand wanting a special day but as you do have children now would you not rather spend the money on a fabulous family holiday incorporating a wedding? You can still wear a wedding dress etc and have photos taken. My wedding photos are much better than a lot of UK ones dues to better backgrounds etc.
We had a party back home after. I think lying about being married is the issue.