AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

Nobody is saying you can’t. Just saying it’s odd that you feel the need to keep it secret. If you do the legal bit now , tell everyone and then have a repeat “ wedding “ in two years that’s your choice. But there will be some people who won’t bother coming because they’ll feel there’s no point . Especially when it will involve expense for them.

I agree with the pp saying no issues with what you want to do, but just be open about it.

Have the legal marriage now and the wedding in 2028. Tell people that’s what you’re doing.

If some people get sniffy about going to a wedding because the couple already got legally married for practical reasons, then they’re a bit nuts and probably best to find that out now 😆

Go and do the legal bit and tell everyone you did it with a vague date in the future for a party etc. Have very close loved ones as witnesses if that works.

I can guarantee you that you won't have the party (something else will always come up, like a holiday, new car, kids, new boiler and so on, LIFE!) and no one will care either way. You'll have loads of saved expenses and won't be worrying about being hit by a bus either.

I don't want to sound mean, but guests are often not that bothered about going to a wedding because of the cost and logistics. It's usually a jolly for the Bride and Groom. So think long and hard about your priorities. Guests won't care too much.

I assume you don't live in Scotland? All civil partnerships can be converted to marriages here.

Nobody has said they would be upset to be invited to a wedding party that didn't involve the actual legal part of getting married. Literally nobody. Every post that has said they would be upset has said it is because of the deception in calling it a wedding when the couple are already married. That's the only issue people have.

Just get married now and have a fabulous party to celebrate your second wedding anniversary in 2028.

No I don’t and that is the perfect solution.

Go dammit!

Actually quite a few people have made comments about it being about ‘insta’, ‘a fake marriage’, ‘just after gifts’, and calling me a princess, saying it’s not a special day.

On the last point. Why am I not allowed to be a princess! And why can’t we have a special day!

I wouldn't lie about it.

Different circumstances but one of my aunts got married during covid when I think 10 were allowed to attend. They also had young children and wanted to be legally married.

5 years later they had a proper big party. With wedding dress (That she had worn at the small wedding) food/ band, hotel, all the guests properly dressed up. Some short speeches.

You might well need to have both the civil partnership and subsequent marriage in Scotland though!

Sorry, what I meant was, not whether people would be pleased/displeased with the discovery, but the thought of making arrangements for your estate etc on a 'not married' basis, when in fact you ARE? It could really cause some complications if people don't know.

You said you were originally planning to get married next year. 12 months is a decent amount of time to plan a wedding. I’m firmly in the ‘Get married next year’ camp.
This surely seems like a decent choice between ‘Have a rushed small wedding day that isn’t what you really want’ and ‘Have a secret wedding now and then a fake wedding in 2028 and lie to all your guests.’

Another option would be to have the tiny legal wedding now and hold a wedding blessing service with fulls bells and whistles and the reception you want in 2028. And be clear with people that you’re considering this service of blessing as the proper day even though the legal have already been sorted.

If I were your mate, I would be fine with that, and would take my lead from you, treating the blessing as the big day. I wouldn’t be fine with you lying to me for 2 years, and it would have an impact on the friendship.

Ultimately you obviously have to do what you need to do in terms of when you get married. I would just say that deceiving friends about such an important event in your life is not generally something likely to lead to good things.

FWIW, I love weddings and the moment that a couple make their vows is hugely significant. Something legally changes, and the course of their lives together changes too, in that moment.

This might not feel the same for you, but there is a risk if you go ahead with calling the big celebration a wedding, that folk then find out and feel duped / upset with you about it.

Anyway, congratulations on your engagement. Wishing you a very happy life with your husband whenever you get hitched ❤️

But it won't be a special day. Surely that would be when you actually got married?

When has a child ever had to put their parents wedding date on anything? I’ve never in my life asked for this information.

I know a few who have done this, usually when they get married abroad.

Get married now

Have a different party in 2028 eg big party for your 30th, 40th, or 10th anniversary of meeting etc

I think it’s fine to have a “wedding celebration” a bit after your marriage but totally weird to literally pretend to get married with fake vows etc. and it will be obvious to anyone who’s been married fairly recently that it’s fake.

Why can’t you just be honest and say “we’re doing the legal ceremony in 2026 and our big celebration party in 2028” I really can’t understand?

I wouldn't lie. I'd just send an announcement that you'd (finally! - as a joke) decided to go ahead and make it official. You're married following elopement. You're going to have a vow renewal and celebration in a couple of years for all who would love to come celebrate. Then everyone knows what it is and can decide to come or not.

Most people are not that fussed about attending other people's weddings. I go out of obligation and to share their happiness around the time of their union (don't care if it's on the same day).

No-one cares as much about your wedding as you do, so get it done now, and then have a celebration party later on with the key family/friends, and make it somewhere super-accessible in the country and more people will go.

I honestly wouldn't want to attend a wedding these days except my own childrens!

It will be special to us to have everyone gather and celebrate our family. We have been together for decades so it’s not like the paper bit is important to anyone except the tax man. We have already clearly committed to each other.

Everyone has been begging for this wedding. People do want to attend a wedding for us.

Seriously? You didn't just say that did you?

Are you honestly saying that people who got married in say France and legally did so (never mind the two step process) aren't legally married in the UK.....

Destinations weddings are generally only good for the couple. If you aren't from that country please don't do it.

I know - what a silly comment!!

I got married in Rome - all legal and above board.

I want to PM you but not sure how?

Can you try and PM me so that I can reply to you please?

The outrage of “finding out it’s not a real wedding” only exists on mumsnet. Do what you want. (real life!) people probably won’t even realise and if they do, won’t care! It costs the same to attend the “real” wedding as the “celebratory” one. It’s just not a big deal!

I have been to 4 abroad weddings in the past decade. 2 French, one Jamaican, one Italian. None have been legal weddings.

That’s a surprise to me about France. I did not know that was possible.