AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

My parents are a nightmare. A small registry with them as a major percentage of the attendees is a miserable affair.
We also considered eloping and announcing. Partly because of the nightmare family element

So a 2028 shebang is unlikely to ever be a joyous affair then?

The miseries in my family will be out numbered 50:1

So I am not worried about that. They are unlikely to show themselves up because their issues are mainly narcissistic. They are private in their abuse where they can rewrite history.

I should go no contact but I am not. For various reasons but mainly because that makes me the main character in their victimhood. I am going for grey rock approach.

I got married in Cuba - all perfectly legal! Just have the wedding you want - why all the fuss!

In my (extensive) experience those couples choosing to have the celebrant led ceremony abroad have their marriage legalised a couple of weeks before or after their celebration abroad when they’re still in a wedding “bubble” and riding on the excitement.
I honestly think once you’ve done the legals, the novelty will wear off and by 2028 you will wonder why you bothered. The shine wil
be gone.
Maybe consider a nice vow renewal in future for a significant anniversary.

That was a key factor for me as well OP.
At a large party with 200 people I’m hoping I don’t even have to speak to my stepmother and father, but also will not have to put up with the grief I would get if I invited my aunts to something but not her. And I will get to celebrate with my aunts and friends

It does feel a bit short term thinking.

What will you do for your tenth wedding anniversary? Will it be the real or pretend date? When you get to 25 will it be 25 or 23?

Fine to get married now and celebrate later. I know someone who did just that and still did all the wedding stuff like hen party etc (seems odd to me but didn't seem to bother them or their friends).

But people inherently dislike deception and you are setting up years of lying.

Your reasoning is sound but just be honest about it.

Honestly, just have a low-key wedding now. The 'wedding' really doesn't matter, the marriage does.

Keeping it secret for 2 years and not changing your names or wearing your rings etc is just stupid.

I've got no problem with keeping the legal and practical sides separate, but lying to people for two years is ridiculous, why not just tell people what you are doing, and call it a wedding party instead.

I was engaged for 7 years too. We planned to marry in April 2020, our wedding was cancelled due to covid. We were offered a date at the registry office in September of the same year, we took it and were only allowed our two witnesses, we did a second church wedding with a reception and all the family in 2023. If you want to do the legal bit and have a proper ceremony later you do that.

Yes, and it'll stop the people who are criticising "it's not a wedding" when they come to the big do you're having in a few years-because it will be!
Other options are seeing a lawyer to get some of the safeguards you'd automatically get as a spouse put down in writing by someone who knows the law/finding out about the new changes they're talking about for unmarried couples.

Haven't read the full thread, but if you want a nice wedding then of course save up and do it in 2028 the way you want it. If you want a nice big do and you just can't afford it yet, I wouldn't be doing a small one now instead - your wedding day is a big deal and the point is sharing your commitment with your friends and family. I don't think it matters If you do the legal bit beforehand, and a commitment ceremony at the celebration itself. What's the difference in doing it 3 days before, or 2 years before? It's still not going to be the "actual" wedding, so I dont see why people are so outraged!
You don't even have to tell people do you? even on the "wedding day", you don't need to say you've been married 2 years. You can just say you did the legal bit beforehand. You don't have to say when! So nobody needs to get fucked off, you get the legal protection you want, and you still get the wedding celebration you want. everyone's happy.

By the sounds of it, I wouldn’t want them in my presence in any shape or form at any event let alone a party celebrating my marriage.

I don’t think you can frame it as a wedding. You’re having a party years after getting married. Making it an anniversary party

This.
It sort of sounds like you just want a big party and lots of people to give you gifts? Otherwise, either wait, or have a smaller wedding now.

BTW... it doesn't take years to plan a wedding, no matter how elaborate. I got married 6 months after becoming engaged, it was a surprise so we had never even discussed weddings, and we still threw a big do for 200 people.

This will be a party celebrating your 2 year anniversary

It won’t be a wedding

Except you're not saying the same thing. You are saying nothing at all about your legal marriage and then you're going to pretend to have a legal marraige in 2028?

How do you plan to do that? Will you have a celebrant who 'pretends' to hold your fake legal ceremony? Will they pronounce you married? Will you sign fake paperwork to make it appear like a real wedding? Be aware that the celebrant could get into big legal trouble for that.

Or will you have a wedding 'celebration' and pretend that you had a register office legal wedding earlier that day, or earlier that week?

Why do you want to lie to all your friends and family? (well, except the 2 friends who are your actual legal witnesses, who you are also expecting to lie for you).

If I were your friend I'd not mind that you opted for legal protection now and a celebration in a couple of years, but I'd be pretty pissed off if I found out that you'd lied to me (not for the 2 years, but lied by having a pretend ceremony).

Interesting the gift point keeps coming up.

Yes I do want a big party! That’s true. Obviously we aren’t expecting gifts but would be grateful for any received. I always thought gifts were in my mind were a token gesture to the expense bride and groom have spent on accommodating us.

I don’t really understand why you don’t get married now, and just have whatever party you can afford. 🤷‍♀️

I don’t know the specifics of how they word these things. But having been to majority of weddings which are not legal I couldn’t tell you the difference. There clearly is one. I just can’t say I have noticed which bits specifically.

Ie. Everyone has exchanged rings, everyone has said vows, everyone has done the kiss the bride part.

I don't think its reasonable for a married couple to pretend they are not married in order to have people attend a fake wedding thinking its a real one, no. A wedding is for people to get married at. If that's not happening, it's just a party with people playing pretend.
The only reasonable way would be to tell people the truth. However this will almost certainly result in your 2028 do being less well attended that it would if it was a wedding. People will put themselves out for a wedding, but less so for a party.
I think you need to choose between waiting a year for your big wedding or having a small one this year.

Essentially

“can I have a party in 2028 and wear a wedding dress?”

sure, go for it. Bit odd but each to their own!

If I were your friend I'd not mind that you opted for legal protection now and a celebration in a couple of years, but I'd be pretty pissed off if I found out that you'd lied to me (not for the 2 years, but lied by having a pretend ceremony)

I'd be so annoyed. There's no reason to lie to people about it, except that they probably won't regard your party in 2028 as a wedding (because it won't be), and therefore might not go all out with dressing up and the gift, and maybe that's what you don't want to risk.

This

People now often have a legal process which officially marries them in the run up to and in preparation for the 'wedding' which provides the public declaration of love and celebration of the marriage. Most people are fine with tis.

The difference here is:
a) you are suggesting keeping it a secret and lying to your friends and families
and
b) there is a 2 year gap between the legal paperwork and the celebration.

The 2 year gap makes a difference. It separates the legal aspect from being 'prep' for the wedding to an established fact about how you've been living for years. It feels a bit disingenuous to celebrate something that happened 2 years ago. No one is excited about getting married for that long.

It could be done if you were honest, and described it as what is: 'Come and celebrate with us on our 2nd anniversary.' You could have the dress, vows, and a lovely party. People who love you would enjoy celebrating with you.

But to suggest living a lie forever, and getting people to celebrate with you under false pretenses, is just a really really bad idea. I could try to explain all the reasons why, but I'll summarise instead and say: its very bad for your soul and for your relationships to lie.

To have your marriage shrouded in secrecy for 2 years, presumably telling your children to zip their mouths about it, seems bloody awful to me.

You do what you want to do, your wedding, your future is exactly that, yours. Do not be pressured by others opinions. Do what makes you happy. Whatever you decide, l wish you well