AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

@Wededed why would you not just be honest? Get married legally now and do a celebration in 2028. Why lie?

Just why? doesnt make any sense to me - get married if you want to, have a party if you want to , save the money and deception, takes off all the pressure - job done.

Sounds like a good idea but in reality the civil partnership needs to be officially and legally ended before you can marry unless your same sex partnership. I’d just slip off and get married and then have a big party later to announce to friends and family.

The whole things sounds ridiculous to me.

By all means have a party whenever it suits you, but it's not a wedding.

I'm you'd think it an over reacrion, but I'd be very hurt to discover that level of deception from a close friend or relative too.

Having a small wedding is a perfectly sensible idea, but keeping it secret is just daft.

2 years is ridiculous.

Just get married and have a small do.

Why save for years and have a massive 'do' when you already have a family, joint assets etc.

Marriage is a legal and financial partnership - if you need that now, do it now.

Inviting people to celebrate a marriage that happened 2 years ago is ridiculous. But it would be shocking to lie to people.

Omg! First poster nailed it and I didn’t even realise!

What I need is a civil ceremony, and to be able to convert to a marriage.

Which I can’t because we are not same sex.

I saw a thread last week about legal protections for people pre marriage (so basically us): I agreed with all the reasons that’s a bad idea. Even though I would love that protection for us.

Why not just do that. Sort this problem with civil partnerships and marriages for opposite sex couples.

My non-married friends threw a fabulous party to celebrate their 10 year anniversary.

This. Just get married in a registry office and have a party the same day/month.

I feel for the average millennial. Can’t afford houses, can’t afford children, and now they can’t have weddings either - because that’s pointless/ pathetic/ deceitful.

I genuinely don't understand people saying they would be upset to be invited to a wedding party that wasn't a wedding.
If the couple aren't important enough to you to celebrate unless there's a legal ceremony, then why go anyway?

Having said that, I wouldn't lie OP. I recently got married for the second time with just our adult kids and my best mate there. And announced on FB the next day! It was for inheritance reasons (we are both still leaving assets to our kids but wanted to do new wills to protect each other as well and didn't want to pay out for one set now and then get them invalidated by new marriage) and healthcare - his relationship with child can be problematic and so he didn't want them to be responsible for turning off life support. And my parents would have still wanted to get overly involved in wedding planning and have traditions so we didn't want to give them that chance.

We will be having a big party to celebrate our togetherness in a couple of years - not asking for gifts - just asking people to come and be happy for us and drink and dance

The conversion from CP to marriage is allowed for same sex couples who entered a CP before same sex marriage was legal.

I think it is so fake and deceitful-

To go in front of everyone in-presumably a white dress and exchange rings and say sacred vows when you have actually been married for 2 years is completely out of order. Let people take off work, travel, buy outfits, wedding gifts etc thinking they are a part of your special day when they aren't.

If I was your friend and you had kept that from me for 2 years I would be so hurt and it seems a terrible way to start your fake married life.

Get married when you want and re-new your vows or just wear a white dress and have a party in 2 years but I think you'd be completely wrong to do it the way you suggest.

Every one knows abroad weddings aren’t legal.

I recall Jerry Hall and Mick Jagger getting caught out like that, but since then everyone else has been more careful with the paperwork.

Just a thought though - if you were to get married imminently, and keep it a secret, could it cause complications if anything happened to both of you? Heaven forbid you were both in a plane crash, then anyone trying to sort out your affairs would be very confused. Or even if something happened to one of you - the other would be the legal next of kin, but that could be awkward if other family members didn't know you were married?

I’d think it weirder that someone kept it a secret and removed their rings before going out for two years as if they are the royal family trying to avoid the paps getting wind.

It is the scale of weddings now that is prohibitive.

When I was in my 20s wedding receptions were held in the church or village hall hired at their basic rates and the families did the catering. A buffet.

Only v posh people had a marquee in the garden with caterers.

@Wededed Would it not bother you to lie for the rest of your life about when you actually got married?

I think anyone who cared about our family would be relieved at the discovery if the worst happened.

Do loads of people get married two years before then have a wedding party? I can understand maybe a month of so but not two years!
I would want to know, so can decide if it’s worth the days leave if on a weekday or travel needed. I would go if I loved the couple.
But it’s your decision so do what you want.

One of DPs siblings did that recently. That came in as more expensive than the garden catered package we have found.

That's not true for the majority. Only a few places are the exception. I got married in the USA and its perfectly legal.

Anyway - you are right that being married for your children and definitely for inheritance tax is really important. I would be doing it asap. Or yes you can't pass allowances etc on. Its quite worrying some people think wills cover everything.

But, I think you need to have a gap of shorter than 2 years or it does seem a bit silly.

Why not just get married next summer - can you really not save enough for that to be what you want? And if you're feeling panicked get the legal bit done this winter. Then in 12 months you're all done and dusted.

Just get married and be honest. If you want a big party in a couple of years, have it as an anniversary party, or a birthday party, or whatever - don't pretend it is a wedding. Would you wear a wedding dress? Keep the secret forever, or say 'surprise! We've been married for years!' At which point people would think you were mad.

I agree and things would be a lot easier for them to sort out.

Can afford a wedding, cant afford a party you mean?

If you legally wed in 2026 and have a party in 2028, the 2028 party is most definitely not a wedding 😂. I've known people to marry and divorce in less time!

It's a great thing that you want to protect your children and their future, and if getting married achieves that by all means go ahead. You don't need an excuse for a party, though. There's really nothing wrong with inviting people to a big party to mark and celebrate something. I mean, you've been engaged for 6 or 7 years, you live together, you have children together - it's not like tradition plays a huge role in your life! You've done things as you've wanted to do them so far so why not continue. You'd just be stretching the bounds of reason and credibility to call the 2028 party a "wedding"!