AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

I feel like its tempting fate!

It’s not fair to put my want for a big day ahead of my children’s security. Surely thats the most obscene idea of all.

Ideally we would just tell everyone, but from the thread it’s clear many people are seriously affronted by this! Even some who were clearly aware so it’s not just a ‘deceit’ thing.

Maybe we meet in the middle. Do early 2028 so it’s only one and half years away and try to get the registry date on the same date in 2027 (so in 6 months time) so the anniversary does have dual significance.

I wouldn’t have a problem with it if I found out.

DH and I did the registry office a couple of days before our actual wedding (parents and witnesses only). We did have a couple of guests who were affronted that the wedding “wasn’t real.”

To us, the wedding day with our friends and families is the real one, not because of a dress or gifts (we kept that side quite small), but because it was when we made a commitment to others in from of our family and friends.

Its so common now that the registry office actually offers this.

It’s called a dual/duo package and includes a legal ceremony at registry and a celebrant ceremony at another venue. Maybe I should just ring them and see whether they would be bothered by the time difference of 1 year.

Any timeline longer than 6 months, at an absolute push, is going to give the same outcome.
minimise risk as best you can with wills/POA/legal documents to cover eventualities in the interim but this timeline is setting yourself up for a whole world of unnecessary drama

What do you mean, ‘ideally we would just tell everyone’?

Your OP is all about not wearing rings and not telling people?!

Get married next week with a witness off the street-fine. Have a party at some point in the future to celebrate-also fine. Not telling anyone you’ve got married years ago (or A year as you’re now trying to make out that sounds so much better) and having a fake wedding ceremony that you’ve invited them all to-is not fine.

Yes but the celebrant part is to bless and celebrate the wedding you've already had with a clear and absolute understanding that the registry office part is the date of your marriage. They won't repeat the legal words,exchange of rings etc. That is entirely illegal. Megan Markle said she and Harry had married the day before the st georges chapel 'do' with just the 2 of them and the Archbishop of Canterbury. He came straight out and said absolutely not that would have been completely illegal. You can only make marriage vows once within that marriage.

Then why not just tell them? They will be pissed off anyway.

have your party. Don't invite them if they are arsey. Life is way too short to have people in your life that cause you issues and hurt.

this is way too much drama for me. I would have cut them out my life a long time ago if they made my life miserable.

there are way bigger issues here than a party

Thats interesting.

I have been to a lot of ‘illegal weddings’ then. Everyone has done the exchanging rings.

It’s not a package where you can pay to have a wedding ceremony one day and then they do a fake ceremony 1 year or two later 😂.

You can take the rings off and have them blessed as they go back on. You cannot say ' i give you this ring as a sign of our marriage ' ' with this ring I thee wed'.

Well maybe you are right! I have no idea on the max time scales 🤣

But to separate them is entirely normal for weddings now yes. Just saying to PP who is saying you cant have a ceremony or proper celebrant. You can I have seen it.

I think you want a renewal of your vows ceremony. Do that then. It’s not a wedding, but you could dress up again if you like.

Here is the list of ring verses….

I dont believe these are legally copyrighted to be banned from ever being said outside a legal ceremony.

Obviously we couldnt say no.6

www.southampton.gov.uk/weddings-and-ceremonies/marriage-and-civil-partnerships/notes-for-ceremony/exchange-of-rings/

Jesus Christ, this has to be one of the most frustrating threads to read ever. Just get married, tell everyone, have a wedding party when you're ready. Why complicate things by lying? The fact that you don't seem to grasp why people might be upset by the deceit is weird

I’d send out an invite to the wedding in 2028 and include your timeline to get there
could make a point of saying July 1 2026 - the legal bit; July 8 2026 - come join us for fizz and cake; July 8 2028 - come join us for the big shebang for our marriage (finally!), celebrating our family and the end of 10y of engagement!

the legal bit is important so get that done. I think the issue is people being hoity around the definition of a wedding - you define for yourself what you want to celebrate!

I got married in Jamaica. No requirement to do registrar office here first. My marriage is perfectly legal.

But are you expecting to hire a celebrant to do all of the…

Do you, X, take Y, to be your lawful wedded husband?

I now pronounce you Husband and Wife?

You may now kiss the bride?

type statements?

Or just a renewing of the original vows?

What you've described is basically a blessing.

It feels like you are over complicating this.

You want to be married and you want to have a bit of romance, your posh frock, food and dancing.

Nothing wrong with that but just own your decision to make them separate events.Don't try and be clever and dress it up as something else. Why does it need to be?

Celebrate your love and commitment to each other. Most people are happy with that. It's the believing it to be something else that creates bad feeling.

Of course you can ..,
The legal marriage must cover some very specific words which have to be said accurately. This is then formalised and entered into the legal register.
A celebrant can say and do whatever you like - it really doesn’t matter because it’s not legal.
You can exchange vows/ rings whatever you like

Wouldn't you just feel a bit daft walking down the aisle in a big white frock for a pretend wedding when you've been married two years already?

I think it’s really odd to effectively throw a party, call it a wedding when you’ve been married for years. Call it a blessing, or vow renewal or just a big party but it’s not a wedding.

If you do get married earlier please at least include your parents and children. Unless you don’t speak to your parents it is beyond cruel to deny them the chance to see you get legally married, however low key it may be.

God I really hope you are my friend who is in almost identical circumstances. I keep telling her to do this.

It’s entirely normal for the couple to have a small wedding where the legal part is done and to have a party or reception a few days later. The difference is people attending know it’s the celebration party, and the actual marriage ceremony was done earlier. Some people will tie it in with a church blessing. It’s completely not normal to get married, tell no one and wait two years to have a phoney wedding ceremony that everyone think is the real deal. The deception of that is quite something.

Actually no, you want it all ways - it’s taken you this long to get round to getting married, all of a sudden you seem to be panicking so you want the legal protection but still the chance to be the centre of attention. It’s shitty not to tell people