AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

I don't know what you mean. A wedding is the ceremony at which a marriage takes place.

You said lots of people want you to get married. What will you say if they, over the next 2 years, try to persuade you to 'make it legal'?
Presumably shirk replying - or lie.

This is a good point. If everyone is a keen asyou say then surely, during the next 2 years someone is going to make a comment. Will you tell them the truth, or say oh we're planning on 2028.

Or how about when the invites for the 2028 wedding / party go out. What will you say when people excitedly comment, "I can't wait for you to get married", or "it's been a long time coming" etc. Will you just smile and nod along, or actually admit you've been married for ages?

I’d let people know you are having a 2 witness only marriage with celebration to follow in 2028.

Then in 2028 have your party but it won’t be a wedding it will be a party.

Even fake weddings tend to happen within a month or two maximum 2 years is really just an anniversary party to a wedding nobody was invited to. Not a princess day.

If I am following the objections correctly then it’s the fact it’s not actually the legal marriage which is upsetting people.

As I said before I have attended many many weddings. Most of which were not the actual ‘marriages’. I consider these all to be weddings. So I don’t know if including that word marriage specifically or disincluding it makes most sense/ or is more misleading.

‘Please join us to celebrate at the wedding of x and y’ is the more usual format of invite and doesn’t say whether it’s a marriage or a civil or a celebrant.

It sounds more honest. Come to our wedding is an outright lie. Fine to ask people to celebrate the marriage I think.

If I am following the objections correctly then it’s the fact it’s not actually the legal marriage which is upsetting people.

Nope. It's the lying and secrecy,

Just tell people, I wouldn’t mind going to a wedding 2 years after, it is still a celebration of people I’d love so why would I not want to go and be happy with them?

The registry office part is your wedding day. It is the date that must be written on any legal paperwork you fill in from that day forward. The big dress,party,celebrant doing anything is a party. It is not your wedding. The celebrant is absolutely forbidden by law to conduct anything that involves a marriage ceremony. You can make up your own vows but you cannot retake marriage vows. He/ she cannot pronounce you man and wife and cannot say 'wdlcome everyone to the marriage of x and y' . You will already be married. You can bless that and celebrate that but you cannot do it by reusing the actual legal marriage ceremony. That's a one off.

It's like what kids say isn't it. 'Oh nooo I wasn't lying! I just didn't tell you the actual relevant facts' .

But it's not a wedding! There won't be any kind of a ceremony, just a party to celebrate your marriage 2 years previously.

Or are you planning a ceremony?
Maybe a church blessing?

I think the reason you are struggling with the wording is because its a really odd thing to do, and you are going to be, at the very least, lying by omission.

If you're going to have a blessing, in church or somewhere else, then I think that it's going to come out that you married a long time ago. Or you will lie about when you actually went to the registry office.

What is the plan for your celebration? Apart from wearing the princess dress (which I totally get, btw. I never want to get married again, but I'd wear a fabulous dress to a big party in a heartbeat).

Fair enough. It’s not ideal I agree.

I don’t think DPs family would be upset if we told them. I do think my family would be and as I said before that is something I just want to avoid.

Why does it matter? I don’t see the issue personally.

Just to have a nearly normal wedding like everyone else. I say nearly normal because we don’t want some traditions.

So a short ceremony, food and entertainment, party, white dress, take family pictures, cake, drink, flowers, no walking down the aisle, exchange rings.

We aren’t having speeches, bridal/ groom parties, hen or stag dos.

Thinking maybe we can walk down the aisle one after each other - each with one child and they can sit on the front row.

Change names afterwards.

Maybe the invite should just say ‘We invite you to celebrate Mr and Mrs X’

Sensible to get married asap and totally fine to throw a party later when you can afford it, but why lie, even by omission? Just be honest.

“Bob and I have decided to make things official to protect our kids and the business, and we’ll have a proper do when we get round to it”.

Could you combine it with a big birthday or the anniversary of being together?

I got married abroad and it is 100% legal. Solicitors have viewed my wedding certificate a number of times for various things, so have passport.
Surely you don't think anyone marrying abroad is not legal?!
And it would be a party 2 years later, or a bow renewal. Not a wedding.

Because during the 2 years between the actual legal wedding and the big party ( where they pretend they are getting married) there will have been many conversations about the wedding, how relieved people are that they are finally doing it, how good it is that your children's inheritance is protected, blah blah. Op will have fudged over that or outright lied when she knows very well that they are already married and legally protected. That's a bit grubby

Genuinely, would they not be far more upset if it comes out afterwards? The double dunt - being married without telling them, then lying about it for 2 years and pretending to get married at a later date.

think that's possibly opening up a world of pain for you in the future.

OP there are more serious issues at play here though.

What if something happens to either of you? If you’re not married then it’s your family who are your next of kin in terms of being able to make legal decisions regarding your health etc, So if something happens to one or the other of you is the hospital in critical circumstances the time for them to find out that the relationship has changed and they’re no longer your next of kin but your husband, who they didn’t know was your husband, is?

Do you have wills?

Not telling people you’re married etc can seem all very cute and lighthearted while you’re building up to the big party, until something potentially goes wrong and it no longer is.

My family are unfortunately capable of being affronted by thin air so the reaction will be similar either way. In some ways it’s actually easier emotionally when they actually have something worth being pissed off about.

Because it’s just a party at that point not a wedding.

Lots of people spend a lot of time effort and money to attend a wedding that they would not a party.

This has actually happened before to us.

Obviously if I was DP NOK I would liaise entirely with DPs family. They would there anyway! They would not leave his bedside.

When I was seriously ill a long while back my DP was recognised as NOK due to be being my cohabiting long term partner. It was my family who overrid that against my wishes. At the time my capacity was in doubt so they won that war. Froze him out and it was a nightmare for both of us.

So basically I am not worried about your scenario. More the opposite.

Madness and a bit main character.

Just get married now if you want and have a party later, could be for your anniversary, or significant birthday.

No need for all the mystery nonsense

Just be honest - they’re family and friends, why deceive them? Say you’re having a big celebration in 2028 or whenever. They’ll be happy for you.

It’s not the wedding celebration post legals that’s the problem - this happens all the time…(usually a month max either way)
It’s that it will have happened 2 years ago!
Is the risk of being hit by a bus so high that you can’t wait 2 years to prevent this whole pantomime?!

It will be completely obvious to anyone who has ever had/ attended a legal marriage ceremony that you are not getting married at your 2028 event. You cannot legally have anything other than a blessing/ vow renewal type of event. You can write vows about how much you mean to each other but you cannot repeat the 'x do you take y......' etc No registered celebrant would get involved with anything like that because it would be illegal. You would need a pretend celebrant ( out of work z list actor) to do it. If people find out that you didnt nip to the registry office the week before but have in fact been married for 2 years, have got them there under false pretences and then done a blessing/ faked a ceremony they'll think you're mad ( and the most fake person they've ever set eyes on)