AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

So what will you say on the invites, come 2028?

And it seems a bit mealy mouthed- like you won’t tell people but you wouldn’t lie if they asked- is that right? Which seems unlikely. I don’t tend to wander about asking unmarried couples whether they’ve tied the knot. I’d expect them to volunteer the information!

It is perfectly possible to want a wedding AND a marriage. Some people actually enjoy parties and getting dressed up and gathering to celebrate the people they care about.

just wondering if a man started this thread if you’d have the same answer.

That’s a weird assumption! AFAIK all the weddings I have attended have been legal ceremonies! There is usually a signing of documents at the end with the best man & chief BM as witness.
I’m in Scotland where I think it’s easier to get married outwith church/ registry offices than other parts of the UK. One couple I am aware of got married at a crazy golf venue! I worked with the groom who told us it was all legal.

Ok so you now would tell people before the “big do” in 2028 that you are already married but you wouldn’t say you’ve been married for 2 years- you’d make out like it was a couple of weeks ago? What would you do if they asked you when/ where or to see a photo? And you do know that marriages are registered with the date and place? I really am not sure this is much better.

Yes you’re right! I want a wedding!

And it’s taken me many years of engagement to process that but thats the conclusion I have come to. I am not ashamed of that. Many people want weddings. I want to celebrate us and our beautiful little family.

We are not showy people. Not sure how you cant tell that from the fact we haven't married for 6/7 years! If we dont have this wedding we wont ever have a big thing. Whether thats a milestone birthday or a whatever. It’s just not going to happen.

Re. Marriage; actual marriage - I already feel married. Legally we are intwined in more complex ways than most married spouses. Potentially a divorce might even simplify a separation at this point 😂

The only thing which is different marriage wise is the ‘lord hath not blessed us’ (well I believe he has actually but a priest in a church hasnt’); and the probate office and HMRC would be after our children’s inheritance.

Any couple can have a civil ceremony. You don’t have to be a same sex couple.

I'm not sure this is so true any more. There's been a lot of threads about people wimping out of parties at the last minute, or giving vague responses, and people having big bashes planned and then having a poor show. I think the OP knows that if she were to make it 'just' a party, then people wouldn't come, or not as many anyway. People do still, just about, turn out for weddings and funerals but not much else.

I’m one of those that like real weddings. The whole point is the legal bit. That’s the marriage.

Also the secret of already being married but then having a wedding just sits wrong with me.

If you’re going to do it be open and honest about it so your guests can act accordingly to how they feel about it rather than deceiving them.

Op, kindly you're definitely not "are intwined in more complex ways than most married spouses". In what measures and what does that even mean?

Ha ha. Maybe they're related?

OP doesn't have a very good understanding of what marriage is given that she's said that you can't legally get married abroad (apparently "everyone knows that"), and that divorce would be easier than separation (100% not true).

Perhaps she's hoping her guests all have an equally loose understanding of reality

This is all moot anyway. You’re all excited now to be planning a big “wedding” but by 2028 you won’t see the point. You’ll have been married for two years and wonder why on earth you’re spending thousands on a party when the cars big end has gone and you need a new boiler.

A lot are. But the difference is that yours won’t be a wedding. It’ll just be a party. You’ll just be playing brides and bridesmaids because the wedding was years ago not yesterday or last week.

You can’t possibly expect it to be a wedding when you’ve been married for years. It’s just a game where you get to dress up and spend the equivalent of a house deposit for attention.

That’s why it’s shallow and superficial.

I think the cost of weddings is obscene anyway, but having a party which costs tens of thousands of pounds, expecting people to pretend that you’re a bride is nothing other than attention seeking.

I didn’t say all. I said most. Obviously not going to outline our whole life story on here.

If you’re also wanting to get married because you have assets and children now, why not just make a will? Then do the wedding in your own time. A few days to a week before is fine but I don’t think people would like to be lied to for 2 years.

But you are planning on pretending not to be married, and not wearing your wedding rings.

For most people that would constitute lying.

You said lots of people want you to get married. What will you say if they, over the next 2 years, try to persuade you to 'make it legal'?
Presumably shirk replying - or lie.

Oh great, more lying. How adorable.

Ok I think I just need to word this very carefully. And if people ask we can say yes we are going to the registry office and be vague.

So the invites can be ‘We welcome you to celebrate the marriage of x and x?’

Tbh that sounds more official than ‘Come to our wedding’ but maybe I am wrong?

It sounds more honest, that's for sure. You can't say "come to our wedding" if you're already married.

I think its the word marriage there that makes it sound more official to me.