AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

The difference is that the guests at the weddings you have attended knew (or didn't care) that they were not actually witnessing a legal marriage. You are proposing that none of your guests know, because you know some of them will care. A lot. I think you can have the wedding reception/party in two years, with all the trimmings, but don't deceive your guests. If these are people you want to celebrate your marriage with, surely they are important enough to you to be honest?

It's. The. Lying!!

Same! Married abroad in 1999! I can assure you it was legal & recognised in the UK . And it was in a holiday resort before anyone says they mean those types of destination weddings aren’t legal !

I think this is the crux of it. It’s a huge expense these days. And not one people would be happy to spend on if all it is, is a party.

I have declined a very close relatives wedding this summer for exactly the same situation. They have been married for 3 years already and now want a big fancy do when the actual reason for a wedding isn’t even meaningful anymore.
So I have declined. I’m not spending money on a big party. I am sending a gift but that’s it.

Thank you for acknowledging your mistake.

As far as I know no one has had a 2 year interlude; 1 month to 1 week is more typical. But I wouldnt know for sure for all of them. Maybe some have.

Kids are young and we wouldnt take them to the registry.

Oh come on - so nasty.

OP you are not going to get the responses on here that you want or are in any way rational. I suggest you talk to your fiance to make the decision between you. FWIW when we did the same, we did end up telling very close family a few months after. They were happy for us and excited about the ‘party wedding’ that we were planning. Maybe you could think about telling some of your closest so that it doesn’t feel like a big secret?

I have a friend who actually did this! They got legally married in the UK, the day was for them and their DC and they didn’t tell any close friends or family. (We originally met online as part of a mums due board but went on to meet up regularly with the babies as we were local, so I guess I was a safe share!) The plan was to do it all again with everyone later down the line but they couldn’t without letting everyone know they’d already done it so the ‘official’ wedding was then held abroad.

The difference is the lying.

I am not planning on lying outright. I am just going to say yes we have done the registry bits. Like everyone else who has a pre-register wedding. Thats it.

So what kind of ceremony do you envision second time round?

To me, it's like announcing you are having a birthday dinner in June, getting everyone to come, bring presents, and then, once at the table, saying my birthday is actually in December.

I mean you could, it's not illegal, but it's off.

Well no one is randomly going ask you about the legal bits as they're going to assume the big wedding you're planning is the real thing. So there won't be a chance to tell them.

I went all the way to Italy for a wedding recently which was basically a party. They’d already got married a couple of months previously. I knew in advance that it wasn’t the real wedding but it still pissed me off. They kept referring to the real ceremony as ‘just the legal part’, but it’s not like the fake wedding was in a church or something. So without a religious aspect, the legal part is the bloody wedding!!!

so yeah don’t do this 🤣 you will end up with some bitter relatives like me

And I can't believe they'd have their kids at their 'actual' wedding and not take a single photo...

I don’t know why this is so hard to understand. You know some people have humanist or religious weddings etc? You have a celebrant or priest and they will do a personalised ceremony or a blessing. These types of ceremonies have no legal binding. I have no idea why the legal bit matters soooo much to people here because it doesn’t to anyone else that I know outside of Mumsnet?!

Would you have preferred not to know?

I am wondering whether this is a generational thing because as I said before nowadays I am actually surprised when it’s a real wedding. When I am getting the invite I am assuming it’s registry day/wedding day.

Well if thats so outrageous I am now considering 2 randoms off the street!

Correct me if I’m wrong but I think Muslim weddings aren’t the legal ceremony? I think some work colleagues had registry office ceremonies then a massive wedding shortly after. It’s the 2 year gap that would seem odd to me. Some guests wouldn’t bother attending if it was a distance away, involved a lot of money & effort etc imo.

Thank you, yes thats what I think might be seen as weird. The two year gap. So thats the part I am thinking of just omitting from information

What actual difference does it make? Either way you're celebrating the wedding of those two people, so why would you resent buying an outfit and gifts in the scenario where they had already got married beforehand, but not in the one where they hadn't? It's still only one set of costs. There is a weird resentment on here of being invited to a wedding generally, so maybe it's the same people who would welcome an excuse to begrudge being invited even more than usual.

I love a good wedding! As do many other people!

But if you were going to make the effort and spend the money on the couple anyway, why does it matter if it’s legal or not? Like truly why do you care. If you don’t want to spend the time or money then don’t go regardless imo.

Because she wants a wedding not a marriage.

Big frock.
Centre of attention.
Instagram photos.
People talking about it.
Presents.