AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

Totally agree. The effort it takes to attend weddings should not be overlooked. New outfits, accommodation, child care, travel, £100 gift. Then to find out they’ve been married for two years! I’d be very fucked off indeed.

My cousin did this a few years ago. They had a church ceremony and at the altar the vicar announced this was actually their 2nd wedding anniversary they had married 2 years prior around when his mother was very sick. Only their parents and siblings knew.

It was very well received as if they had played a huge joke on everyone.

In 2 years time, you might be divorced by then……

I'd separate the legal wedding and the wedding celebration. But I wouldn't keep it a secret.

You can't afford it, you want people to bring presents and you want to feel like a princess. I mean your owning it, you do you.

Either cut the costs down and get married sooner or get married now and host a party to celebrate in the future.

Don’t tell people you are getting married when you are already married though.

Well at least you now know over 50% of your guests would think YABU which would probably put a bit of a downer on the whole thing.

Like a PP said, what if you aren’t still together then?

This is a pretty bleak view...

For a marriage to be legal the civil part is the legal bit. In the UK and Ireland when you get married in “church” it compromises two parts. Civil and religious. Many people do not realise this. In France and other countries you have to get “legally*” married in the town hall/legal registry office, followed by a “marriage” before a priest in the church.

At my actual marriage in Ireland our wedding guests could not understand how we were married as we didn’t do it in a church!

You’re friends weddings abroad saved on hassle by legally marrying in the UK (to get the actual legacy’s sorted) and then having a “church” or “event place” abroad to celebrate with family.

You’re disrespectful in the extreme by imagining your wedding won’t be destroyed when your guests find out you’ve been actually married two years. All because you want to be a “princess”. That’s not what a wedding is about.

You’re also incorrect to state people can’t get legally married abroad. Many Irish have been getting legally married in church’s in Rome, Italy, for decades… You must comply with both the legal, and church requirements to do so…

*not just CofE or Catholic, off the top of my head I can’t remember all of them… but the usuals…

Absolutely bizarre!! You can't afford the big insta wedding you want, you have 2 children. Just get married if being married is important to you.

If you want loads of attention 2 yrs later just own it and have a party. Lying about it to everyone makes you look bonkers.

This thread is wild. I can’t get my head around why it matters whether the legal part is done before the wedding party or not. I can’t ever imagine being even the slightest bit offended / upset by this.

I would do whatever makes you happy and totally understand why you’d want to bring the legal bit forward from a practical point of view. Unfortunately the country isn’t set up for those of us who cohabit, although it sounds like the government are rethinking this - a consultation opened on June 5th on this subject.

You’re friends weddings abroad saved on hassle by legally marrying in the UK (to get the actual legacy’s sorted) and then having a “church” or “event place” abroad to celebrate with family.

Yes so thats what we are thinking of doing too. Just all in UK, with a large gap.

It’s a bit weird the time lapse. But apart from that I am not seeing the difference.

So, you’ll have been married for years but still want people you’ve spent years lying to, to spent loads of money to not watch you get married and bring you a big present. Nice.

The difference is the difference in attitude your family and friends have to the importance of celebrating a new marriage to celebrating an established one. And you know there is a difference or you wouldnt be planning to deceive them.

Took the fun and romance out of it?? You’ve been engaged for 7 years with two kids, a house and businesses. That ship has sailed.

I dont think i said how many weddings but yes I have only been to two actual legal weddings of many. One in childhood, one recently!

And I wouldnt call them a sham wedding! I would consider all the same - just celebrating that couple.

It never came up in the wedding. Some were obvious - ie. Garden weddings, abroad weddings, some I knew them well enough be invited or to know their specific registry plans and send them well wishes on that day. Some I knew because the extended relative was bitching about it to all and sundry - and these were only a week or a month in advance. Imagine that relative about 2 years! Having kittens clearly.

The difference is they're usually pretty open about the fact they've done the legal bit beforehand. Where as you're planning on keeping it secret for 2 years.

I married in secret because it was absolutely necessary to do so for immigration purposes and we have complicated family dynamics that made planning a wedding at the time near on impossible. So we did it in secret to save upsetting anyone.

We didn’t wear rings and then had another ceremony a few years on so we could get some photos and say vows (our legal wedding was extremely basic). I know lots of people that have done the same and absolutely no one cared they’d legally married beforehand - whether it was weeks, months or years. I think the biggest gap between legal wedding and party wedding I knew of was 5 years!

As a guest, I couldn’t care less. The wedding day is a big party to celebrate - regardless if they are legally married are not.

Do what you need to do.

Don't marry in secret then later have a pretend wedding: I think it's illegal to have a fake wedding, or rather for someone to pose as a celebrant. I think your wedding will only feel special the first time. FWIW, DH and I had a low-budget wedding in a registry office, then a reception near the registry office followed by a party in our local gay bar, each event with more guests than the previous one.
Personally, I could not be arsed having two weddings, it's a lot of organisation and planning!