AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

Exactly. The OP has taken absolutely nothing from this thread, despite the majority of people saying her plan is reasonable but just don’t lie about it. And then her saying people are extreme in their responses. This is one of those pointless AIBUs where actually all she wants is validation for manipulating her guests.

How shallow and self absorbed.

I assume you’re planning to continue to lie to these people forever and never intend to tell them the truth?

Or are you planning to tell them it’s all a big surprise and that you’ve actually been married for two years.

I know someone who did this. Similarly they’d got married and then had a big wedding build-up. Bridesmaids, best man, maid of honour, hen and stag do’s and a wedding list and requests for money towards the (fake) honeymoon i.e. the family holiday.

Then as part of the speeches the groom announced that they were so happy that everyone could be there, and revealed that they’d actually been married for 18 months.

A lot of people just got up and walked out and haven’t spoken to them since.

They lost a lot of friendships that day and the respect of an awful lot of people who are now left wondering what else they lie about with such ease.

It’s one thing to have a party later although quite why people want to spend that kind of money when they openly admit they need to save for it is beyond me. But if you do then at least have the grace to admit that your reasons are all purely superficial and materialistic so that people will bring you presents or money, otherwise you wouldn’t feel compelled to lie to them.

I know someone where this happened! They married and had a fake wedding planned two years later, they were still paying off the fake wedding when they were divorced.

Well I wanted to see the spectrum of views.

At this point in time 44% have said YANBU.

The other 66% are split into if you’re honest it’s cool or ‘either way this is a sham and a disgrace’ 😬.

I've never been to a wedding that wasn't the actual wedding. DD did go to one where they had already got married and TBH, everyone thought it was weird.

Don't lie. Do the register office thing with a party soon after, or do the big wedding next year (or in 2028). Personally, I did the register office and then had a party at a castle on the same day. I still wore a big dress etc. No reason why you can't wear a proper wedding dress at a register office.

And it’s also interesting the strength of feeling about it.

Why are not all big weddings shallow and self absorbed then?

I must have missed the people saying having a celebration later but telling people is a sham and a disgrace. I don’t think anyone has said that.

But you're not having a big wedding, you're having a big party that is deceiving everyone by pretending to be a wedding (that actually took place a couple of years earlier).

A legal wedding ceremony consists of the 2 parties making specific declarations to each other. Having made those declarations, the celebrant / officiant / priest makes a legal pronouncement to say that the 2 people are NOW married. And the parties and their witnesses sign some legal paperwork.

Are you going to pretend to do all that? (You may find it hard to find a celebrant who is willing to enter into that level of deceipt), or are you going to cross your fingers and hope that no one notices that you don't complete any of the legal components of a wedding? You might be surprised by the fact that some people will notice, and once they start wondering and chatting to other guests about it, your cat may well be out if it's bag. Honestly I can't imagine that would be worth the stress - on your 'special day'.

The rings, the rest of the vows, the kiss etc are all customary options, not required in law. Your family and friends may love to witness and participate in all of that when you do it for the first time in 2028. But for goodness sake be honest.

Just get married now, spend the 'big wedding' money on your family.

I think people are getting a bit sick of big weddings, and the expense involved, who wants to shell out for all that for a couple who've been together nearly 10 years (by then) and already have two or three kids?

So are you going to tell nobody for years?

Then in 2028, have a completely fake ceremony? Have no ceremony at all and tell people you’ve been married for years?

I think this is so bizarre. No I wouldn’t do it, I would be bemused to be invited to a wedding where there was a fake ceremony or to find out they’d got married years ago.

Absolutely this!

'Why are not all big weddings shallow and self absorbed then?'

They aren't. It's the lying to everyone that is the problem.

If you do this it really highlights the complete and utter waste of money that weddings are. It will literally just be a party that you and the guests are spending huge amounts of money on.

I got married at the registry office last year in a £45 eBay dress and a homemade bouquet. I had a very small party at home. It was wonderful and everyone really enjoyed it. It was better than just a party because we were celebrating getting married. I wouldn't have a big party now because it would be just a party.

You say you need time to save up. Imagine how you could use that money.

You could have a registry office ceremony now and a blessing with a big party in 2028. I’d be furious if the big wedding turned out to be a pretence.

A wedding isn't a wedding if you're already married, it's a party. It's absolutely fine to invite people to a celebration of your marriage. It's very deceitful to send out wedding invites and have everyone go to the expense of attending when you're already married.

Can you not see a solicitor & get wills etc made to protect you all now? Then plan your big day. I think it’s a bit strange to hold a wedding 2 yrs after the marriage. And all the secrecy would be stressful.

Have a small wedding soon with people who REALLY matter to you. Take the money you would have spent on an overpriced venue, entertaining people who are just acquaintances, and a dress you will never wear again, and pay a lump off your mortgage.

I’m afraid this reminds me of the huge show put on by Sting and Trudie back in the 90s.
Together 10 years (she was the OW in his divorce) with children and after a registry office ceremony for some reason they had to do the white horse, poofy dress and celebrity guest list, too.

Getting married is about the emotional and legal commitment you make to each other. Keeping it secret (lying by omission) goes against all that. Do it whenever you want but spare everyone the belated “look at us” charade.

How young? Because attending their parents wedding and not once mentioning it to family or friends… the eldest can’t be older than 2

I think it’s absolutely fine! I wouldn’t worry what people think tbh.

So if you don’t worry about what other people think (quite rightly) why would you not just be honest?

I love these ones the best.
OP - AIBU?
Everyone - YES
OP - No I’m not (spits out dummy)
Everyone - 🙄🤣

Only two of a dozen weddings I have been to in the past decade have actually been THE ‘wedding’.

well putting aside the clear exaggeration in this comment, in these 22 weddings you attended which were parties because the marriage had happened before…. Did the couple keep silent about it for 2 years and no one knew on the day itself it wasn’t “real”?

if not, how did you find out @Wededed ?

I have a friend who is a celebrant. Legally, she has to say if the ceremony she is performing is not an actual marriage. However, if you are honest that you are having a renewal of vows/wedding reception/celebration of your marriage then any Tom, Dick or Harry can say whatever words you like. You can include the wedding service bits you like, save money by having a friend rather than a vicar or registrar. Just be honest with your guests. What happens years down the line when your DC can't find confirmation of your marriage because they don't know the date?

(One of my DC had a wedding booked in the summer of 2020! Ended up with a registry office ceremony, with 4 parents in attendance. A year later they were able to have the wedding reception they wanted. Nobody was lied to, nobody felt cheated, nobody thought they couldn't wear a big white dress or serve a wedding cake.)

It’s a marriage that’s important, not an expensive, showy wedding.