AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

In reality you know a 2 year gap is very different from a legal process the week before a wedding, that is why you are proposing lying about it. You wouldn't have to lie if you didn't know that most people would find a wedding 2 years after the paperwork odd.

Don't lie. Don't ask anyone else to lie.

Just do your preferred thing with regards to when you marry and how you party, just be upfront with everyone!

Agree. Are you asking your children to lie? Because that's not fair on them whatsoever.

Get married when you want but don't hold some faux "wedding" a couple years down the road and expect people to not be mad as hell if you don't tell them it's not really your wedding, it's just a party and a gift grab if you don't specify no gifts. They go to a lot of trouble getting time off work, getting something to wear and a pricey gift and spend time and money they wouldn't if it wasn't really a wedding.

I think your way, lying to people and not wearing rings is absurd and if you did that to me (the fake wedding shit), that would end any friendship. It's deceptive and rude as fuck.

No idea what would prompt someone to want to relinquish their own name because they've committed to a partner for life. I wouldn't let that be a reason to put you off marrying if that's what you want to do, OP.

I also have no idea either why any guest attending a wedding would be bothered as to the logistics of whether they'd attended a legal ceremony or not. If it's not your own wedding, there should be no preconceived expecation as to how it should be conducted. But it's one of those things about which everybody apparently has an opinion.

This wasn't the reason we took off and married overseas, but it was certainly an added bonus. Neither of us computes the hype over weddings in any case, and we got exactly the wedding we wanted with mimimum fuss but maximum relaxation and enjoyment. If this is something you have considered, then I wouldn't discount it. IMO sponteneity is more, rather than less, fun and romantic.

In the end you should do what makes you happy. I wish you a very happy marriage.

Why am I not allowed to be a princess! And why can’t we have a special day!

Because the venue isn't available and you can't afford it yet. Everyone else has to cut their coat according to their cloth, what makes you an exception?

You can have a special day. But if you want this particular special day, write a will and try not to die for the next two years.

You can't be a bride when you've already been a wife for two years. A few days, sure, because you're in that first flush of your new lives. But two years down the line? You'll just be playing acting. Which is just weird.

Wouldn't bother me at all in this situation. Don't see the big deal, you're doing it for sensible legal reasons but having the actual celebration and wedding when you can afford it. Why anyone would be annoyed about that is beyond me.

Are you going to make your children lie about you not being married? Or are you going to lie to them too?

I think in this instance, you need a different venue if you want to get married sooner. It's complicated to cover up being married for two years & you risk upsetting a lot of people you love, by lying to them. Either get married & have a wedding soon, but at a different venue, get married soon & don't have a full wedding, or invite everyone now for a wedding in two years time & protect your assets in the meantime accordingly.

That's a massive over-generalisation - close friends married in Italy 3 years ago and it was entirely legal. I have the photos from the Commune to prove it.

2 years of lying to all those who are close to you, doesn’t seem a great start to a marriage.

Have the whole wedding now, my friends daughter sorted hers out at a posh venue in a month.

Yeah I think this is what nails it for me - "You can't be a bride when you've already been a wife for two years"

Are you going to have speeches about how amazing it is that you're starting your lives together as a married couple etc? And a first dance? And coming into the room to be "introduced as Mr and Mrs" whatever?
What are you going to tell people about the legal bit? You'll have to let at least a few people in on the lie, you'll need to have fake witnesses for your fake legal ceremony.

I don't really have an issue with the time gap. I've been to a year long delayed wedding party (covid). But we all knew they'd been married in an intimate legal ceremony a year before. They had a wedding party, everyone knew it was a celebration of their marriage and they'd wanted to celebrate with everyone. They had a religious blessing which was nice. Otherwise was much like a normal wedding party but without pretending they'd not been married a year.

Your children will actively want to talk about the wedding to friends and family.

Are you going to tell them to shut it on pain of death @Wededed ?!

Why am I not allowed to be a princess! And why can’t we have a special day!

You can! Just don't live a lie for 2 years beforehand.

Something to think about when will you celebrate 10/20/25/40/50 wedding anniversaries? On the legal date or the party date.

It would (I think) have to be a big "blessing" of your wedding vows (or vow renewal) at the second big venue occasion. It couldn't be an ACTUAL wedding as such because the celebrant (whether a vicar or local registrar) would have to say in a legal statement that "there were no reasons why these two people cannot be lawfully joined together", which I think also means "they are not already married (even to each other)"

That was why there was a bit of a hoo-haa after Harry and Meghan's Oprah interview in which they said that they were "actually secretly married three days before their official wedding". The church and Archbishop of Canterbury were sh~tt~ng themselves because, if that had been true, the bishop would have committed perjury (along with the witnesses to the wedding) when he married them for a second time - a serious criminal offence.

I would have the secret low-key wedding and a big blessing when you want to in the future. But it can't be another legal wedding. And I wouldn't lie about it. It would inevitably slip out somewhere and for some, especially perhaps the older generations, the deceit might be too much.

Best wishes whatever you decide, x

That is absolutely 100% not true.

Where on earth did you get that ridiculous notion?

I wouldn't personally give a shit, and in fact would rather people close to me did get married first, if they felt they needed the legal and financial implications of marriage. But clearly it bothers some people.

Couldn't find anything to say you need to live in Scotland in order to convert your CP there. Would you consider having the wedding there do you think?

https://www.mygov.scot/civil-partnership-marriage

Oh, and just get married and announce it. Don't engage with your negative relatives, go no contact if you have to, and just get married. At this point, wasting money on a big wedding 2 years after the fact is just silly. Maybe an anniversary bash at a milestone in 5 or 10 years...

People don’t like being lied to.
The reason you want to lie is because you think people will make different decisions about whether or not to come and how much money to spend on gifts (I’m not buying your faux innocence on that one).

You have three honest options
have a proper wedding sooner
have a proper wedding in 2028
get married now and have the party you want in 2028. You can call it a vow renewal or a commitment celebration or just a wedding party.

Just don’t lie to people, it’s crap behaviour. You keep banging on about foreign weddings like it’s relevant but people know the score with that.

@Wededed i do not understand all the kefuffle with pp saying it’s so deceitful/they’d be efft off/don’t want to attend a ‘fake’ wedding etc etc.
Op and her dp have been living together in the same house for years and have two dc. Like being married really. What is the difference for anyone attending the wedding? Or should you only attend weddings if the couple haven’t lived together or had children?
Weeeeird!

Son has just returned from a destination wedding (stag was also overseas) that was 3 days of celebrations with a dress code for each evening and DJ for the wedding. He spent a fortune. Whilst there he found out that the couple had actually gotten married in January and had a celebration with their families then. He, and others, were pretty pissed off to have spent so much for what was effectively a party without being told. 2 years and a load of subterfuge will seriously piss off a lot of people!

I think it’s a great and sensible idea.

In fact I think you should have done it already.

So often I hear the excuse that people can’t afford to get married but when you have DCs and own property then it’s important to have security.

I wouldn’t go to a destination wedding or spend a fortune on someone else’s wedding, regardless of whether they were getting legally married or not.

Most destinations weddings are not legal weddings anyway and the couple usually need to be officially married in the UK.