AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

Utter bull. "Abroad weddings aren't legal" is too general. It depends on the country. I got married in France (LEGALLY, because I lived there at the time) and my marriage is recognised in Britain. The passport office held my marriage certificate in their very own hands and then changed my surname on my British passport off the back of it.

"Most" destination weddings involve a civil ceremony IN that country. You are incorrect.

Yes, you can. You can do as you like: you don't need the blessing or the validation of Mumsnet!

If I'm going to a wedding, I want to see the couple actually get married because that is the key bit, and the rest of it is irrelevant.
You really should have got married before the children were born as you (quite rightly) are concerned about the legal implications.
A marriage is for life, not for the photos, or gifts, or impressing your friends. Just book a simple ceremony ASAP, with a handful of guests, then go to the pub for lunch. If you absolutely must have a big fancy do, with a big dress etc, then call it an anniversary party..... otherwise people will be really cross about it. Do not lie!

Regarding France: you can only legally get married there if you live there (as I did when I did it). There is a 3-month residency requirement and you have to prove that you have lived there for that amount of time (via bills, payslips, rental agreements etc). All legal weddings in France take place in French at the mairie. Religious ceremonies etc have no legal value even if you live there - EVERYONE has to go to the mairie first. So if you went to a 'wedding' where someone 'got married' in the middle of a field or on a beach or in a villa or whatever then no, it was indeed not a legal wedding. It doesn't mean what you SAID, though, which is your blanket statement that "abroad weddings aren't legal" (frankly a ridiculous thing to say).

But nothing has happened to you thus far (thankfully). Why all of a sudden now, do you think something is going to happen to either of you?

I’d get wills drawn up and then plan for and have your big wedding in 2028.

I think it’s odd to get married legally and then hold a “ceremony” and party two years later. I wouldn’t consider it a wedding.

That’s simply not true. Myself and my husband are UK British Citizens, got legally married in Italy and are very much legally married here.

Bizarre that anyone would care. The wedding day will be exactly the same regardless so it will make absolutely no difference to anyone.

That said, why waste all that money when you've been together so long?

My two cents: One of my sons attended a wedding a few weeks ago where the couple had secretly gotten married a year earlier. My son was one of the few people that did know the secret. When the big announcement was made that they were already married, it did not go over well. Mothers cried, fathers were furious and several of the guests immediately left. They all felt duped into wasting time and money on a whim of the couple. This large, very fancy and seemingly fun wedding venue ended up being a bust for all involved.

I don't think there's anything wrong with getting married now and then enjoying a big party to celebrate in a couple of years - although people may find it strange that the celebration is 2 years after the actual wedding. But I think you would be very unreasonable to pretend that the 2028 event is actually your wedding.

Suppose something goes terribly wrong with your relationship, you would end up having to explain that the non wedding was being called off because a) you were already married and b) you were getting divorced! 😯

Have a little low key wedding with your kids and closest family, and an anniversary party in two years time. With any luck you will have found something much better to spend your savings on than a belated party.

We had a tiny register office wedding in 2016 because my mum was dying and we wanted to get married before she went. Then the following year we had a humanist celebration with all our nearest and dearest there. We had vows and things, but it was a celebration of our wedding rather than telling people it was when we were getting married... if you see what I mean.

I think rather than keeping it quiet you should just let people know, quietly, that you are married but that you will be having your big celebration in 2028 - or whenever you decide to have it.

Oh dear!

I think the devil is in the detail here. If you had a civil ceremony, made it clear that you were married, but then invited all of your friends and family to have a special celebration/ vow renewal in 2028 I wouldn’t have any issue at all with that.

But if you have the civil ceremony, deliberately keep it quiet, and then go through the motions of the wedding in 2028 being your one and only wedding I would be a bit miffed. It would feel like I’d been lied to, and that it was all a bit of a performance for yourself, and not the act of witnessing two people become man and wife. And, to be honest, I’m not even a massive wedding enthusiast so if it would piss me off it would really piss some other people off.

I think that the key thing is that you have to be honest.

This.

Don't treat your family and friends like fools.

As an analogy, imagine if someone did this for a funeral. And everyone attended the funeral and went through the whole ceremony, only to find that the coffin was empty and the person had in fact been buried 2 weeks earlier. Would that be fine?

In the alternative, if you were honest and said “small family funeral but celebration of life/ larger church service 2 weeks later” that would obviously be fine.

For some not-very-easy to comprehend reasons, it being the ACTUAL wedding does matter.

I’ve voted YABU cos of the expense.

why not quietly marry now, and throw a party whenever to celebrate it, without saving up for two years for a show that is just a show?

Well of course I don’t want to. But as shown numerous times on this thread people have an extreme reaction to this.

I think it’s because we have been together forever that I am finding it hard to compute the thinking. People saying oh it’s not the first dance, it’s not the start of us starting our lives together, etc etc. We have been together for over a decade!

And to those saying the lie will continue, all the anniversaries etc. I wasn’t planning on counting from 1 anyway 😂 2028 will be a nice round number for us to count from.

My cousin got married in Jamaica and it’s recognised legally in the UK (she checked that before arranging).

I’ve just googled and found:

Yes, a legally performed wedding in Jamaica is recognized as valid in the UK. You do not need to register your Jamaican marriage in the UK, as long as it was legally contracted according to Jamaican law.

They were certain things they had to do such as they had to be in Jamaica for a certain amount of time before the ceremony (48 hours I think she said)
I guess thousands get married abroad every year; if it wasn’t recognised or loads of admin after not many people would do it

wedding now & celebration in 2028 is fine, but not the lies/secrecy. Be clear that your “do” in 2028 is a celebration of your wedding. You could have a blessing & reaffirm your vows, but I’d make it clear that the legal part will have already taken place (you don’t have to specify how far in advance the legal part was).
Up to you whether you use a married name/rings beforehand or choose your 2028 date to start doing that. Check the legalities on name changes though.
You can then choose which date you want to use as your anniversary day.

Why? Have a smaller wedding or wait. No one will appreciate the surprise when they’ve forked out for a fake hen party and wedding.

We aren’t having a hen/stag. We are settled with kids.

No one is having major expense. Hence why we are saving up to pay for it.

You have to clothe yourself obviously. But what that entails we aren’t fussed about.

This is our plan too. We've been engaged since 2017 and just never have the time or money for the "party" so plan on just doing it alone for the reasons you mentioned, mostly just security and then have a wedding/party in 2028.

At that point, the wedding is just a party. Get married at the registry office and have the party now. A buffet and a cash bar will some fizz for a toast. Honestly, I had a big fancy wedding and it was lovely, but it was only lovely because I have family money and didn’t pay a penny for it. If I was paying for it myself, it would have been a cheap and cheerful one because the party really doesn’t matter one bit.

I know someone who had a ‘wedding’ that wasn’t a wedding. She’s now had not one, not two, but three of them! All because they weren’t actually her wedding and she felt disappointed that the non-wedding wedding wasn’t wedding enough. So she keeps having another one every few years. Same man, same guests, slightly different venue and food. It’s weird. It’s meant to be a celebration of your marriage, which sounds already way overdue, so get married and have a little celebration. Put that money towards your house or your kids’ uni fund.

Will you tell your kids to lie to family and friends? Or at least not say a word about it @Wededed ?