To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

[chilibandit]

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

Bugger eloping. Why should you give up on your wedding to avoid offending others? Have the party of your dreams and have fun planning and holding it. This is not about sticking it to anyone, it’s about you being entitled to the wedding you want.

Time to put on your big girl pants OP and tell them all that is it yours and fiancés wedding and ‘this is how it’s going to be’! No ifs…..no buts…..and should YOUR plans not suit them they can stay away!

Eloping would have been an ideal solution but I do realise that would hurt your grandparents feelings and I understand it’s not an optional choice for you but this is your wedding day and people should respect that. No one wants a drunken relative making a show, people should not assume a role regardless of tradition, and it is certainly not an opportunity for people to score points or claim oneupmanship either!

Your wedding….your day! And the dress is beautiful! Have a wonderful day and a happy marriage! 💐🍾🥂

OP I started setting boundaries with my family over 20 years ago to protect my DC. They cut me off. Although it really hurt at the time it was the best thing that happened. I’ve brought my DC up with my lovely DH in a loving household completely different to what I experienced.

Speak to the wedding coordinator to express concern about people wanting to make speeches when they have not been asked and tell them it’s an absolute no so that no “surprise” can be announced. They will have seen it all over the years and so getting them on board with cutting your mum (and dad, as I don’t see why he is giving a speech in the circumstances you described) off at the pass.

My exact thoughts! Take your two best friends and cousin with you if they can be sworn to secrecy!

Honestly OP this. Make the rules, stick to them, let this wedding be the new start you need. Funnily enough I've had that takeaway sitting outside situation!! So I get you. My family are similar. It took me years but in the end I made solid boundaries and went extremely LC with the whole lot of them and stopped giving a shit if they were offended.

Walk down the aisle with your grandpa, have only the brisesmaids you want, serve the food you like, block your mums potential speech, tell your dad he can come alone. If he decides to miss your day so his alkie wife can get pissed well thats on him isnt it.

Have a secret wedding, registry office with your grandparents as witnesses. Then have an evening party at the local pub/social club where everyone is invited.

Remember that your wedding is for you not for others. If speeches are going to be awful, you don't have to have them. Or you could just have your dh/you and a close friend of each of you saying something. Only follow traditions that work for you.

I would personally let 1 and 2 slide. Allowing your mum to have a speech harms nobody, ditto SIL being a bridesmaid. Your Nan will have to bring some food in her bag if she really hates pizza so much or just starve. Let your Grandad walk you down the aisle and your dad be Po-faced, who cares when you’re not even close anyway. Child-free weddings are perfectly usual so no stress there. The alcoholic step-mum is a bit of a sticking point but again, you’re not close to your dad anyway so maybe it’s fine if he chooses not to attend.

Your family are a nightmare. Elope.

Honestly weddings bring out a weird side in people and I have found either giving minimal information or just being explicit that there is no other option usually works. The more people you tell things the more you invite opinions

My MIL has brought up about my FIL (DH stepdad) to do a speech because he 'raised him'. He doesn't want to do the speech. DH doesn't want him to do a speech. Also my partner said he didn't raise him. No animosity but just not a fatherly relationship. His own dad isn't coming to the wedding because MIL will kick off (despite 25+ years since divorce) so we just don't think it's necessary for him to do a speech.

You’re a grown woman about to be married Op. Time to brace yourself and say No, No, No. Tell people what you are doing. If they are upset that’s for them to handle.

No mums speech, it’s not tradition.
No SIL, as with your wedding you’re not a BM.
Grandad is walking me down the aisle.
No dad she can’t come, if that means you can’t oh well. I barely know you anyway.
Sorry Nan, you can bring a packed lunch if you’d prefer.
No kids sorry!

We had a few tricky guests as well, OP (our parents).

My advice - as you're marrying in Church, can you utilise them? In our situation my family aren't religious and his are, and we had a church wedding. The deacon was brilliant, we told him everything and at the rehearsal he put the fear of God into them a bit. I've never seen my atheist parents so much like primary school kids being told off.

Secondly, if you can, hire a Toastmaster. Ours was brilliant, he was on the alert for any issues and made a fuss of certain guests etc. He also had that air of authority for the reception which helped keep people behaving.

Thirdly, are there relatives who can tell troublesome guests to behave? Quite a few people did that with my mum, including my teenage niece and that helped as she knew they would remove her if she got drunk or kicked off.

We considered eloping but went ahead and I'm so glad we did so I hope you have the same positive experience. Oh, and your dress is beautiful - do a simple, classic veil for ceremony and then you get two gorgeous looks in one as you can remove it for the reception!

I got married in September. I told my dad I didn’t want him to walk me down the aisle so he didn’t attend. Other people who wanted to be bridesmaids I told them I was only having family plus a best friend and shut it down. Food who cares it’s your wedding order what you want and they will get over it. Warn the venue prior that absolutely no one but you and your future husband get to share the speeches itinerary that’s what we did. It seems stressful now but you won’t care about all these issues on the day!

Please don't give in to these demands. Remember it is your wedding, nothing has to be 'traditional, you can do whatever you like and those kicking up a stink are welcome to not attend. These threads make me so glad we went to Vegas

Your wedding your rules, you just need to be firm and if that means upsetting people well sobeit - other people don’t get to dictate your day. I eloped overseas, my mother is an alcoholic who had ruined other people’s weddings and my sons christening so I wasn’t going to risk that, and I didn’t like many of my in-laws so we took our very young children abroad and we got married - we told everyone afterwards.

1. Neither mum or dad do a speech, ask grandad or a close friend.
2. tell SIL no she is not being a bridesmaid
3. Ask grandad to walk you down the aisle
4. sounds like you would be better off without them at the wedding and without them in your life in general.
5. i would provide something for an older guest to eat if she doesn’t like pizza. It’s relatively easy to fix and one less thing to worry about.
6. your choice but it does piss a lot of people off, if it is only a couple of kids I would be inclined to invite them m.

Just have a lovely wedding with your friends (and partner's family), and don't invite any of your own family, except grandparents. Don't tell the others the date or location.

You get your grandad to walk you down the aisle and do the speech. That’s it, no parents involved at all. You can’t just have pizza for catering, I actually agree with the Nan. Even if you just do a tray of sandwiches and sausage rolls for the fussy ones, you need to offer something else. You tell the wannabe bridesmaid the exact same as she told you. You tell your dad that if his wife starts drinking and creates a scene, security have been instructed to remove her IMMEDIATELY, him too if he starts. You get to choose child free or not. If people don’t like it, tell them they are not being forced to attend. Be clear that you will have security in the door and people WILL be removed/refused entry if they break the rules.

unfortunately this is the price you pay for People pleasing. I used to do it myself all the time but then I had therapy and got shit hot super firm boundaries and now I can organise anything and still invite my mother and her dh safe in the knowledge that they will accept the invite but won’t turn up to “punish” me. Every time I send them a message saying SO sorry you couldn’t make it 🙁 and they silently gloat and double down on not attending the next one. Works a treat.

I was going to ask the same question. FWIW, my dad didn’t do a speech as I hadn’t really seen him much for years. However, I did love him and was very happy to have him walk me down the aisle. If I were you, I would just have neither of your parents do a speech. Explain it would all just get too long otherwise and it’s only fair to both parents if neither does one!

Were we at the same wedding?!

Maybe the pizza van thing is a new trend, but when they can only cook one or two pizzas at a time, they seem a really odd choice for an event with lots of guests.

Haven’t read all the replies, OP, but given what you’ve said, I would:

1. Have the ceremony in the church you want to, with your grandad walking you down the aisle.
2. Go out for a lovely meal / afternoon tea with a select few
3. Have an evening ‘do’ for everyone else (perhaps with a kids area to get rid of most of them for most of the time?)
4. No speeches. Photos at the church / tea so they can be selective.
5. SOD EVERYONE’S OPINIONS BUT YOU AND YOUR FIANCE - it is your day and no one should make you feel like shit for wanting what you want!

First Post nails it. Seriously, OP - just take 2 friends to the register office and tell everyone after.

Any "wedding" in the circumstances is a recipe for disaster.

Any way you could have a quiet wedding with just them? Or just explain everything to them like you've told us and they will understand. Just don't open yourself up to all this crap. Someone will spoil your day.