To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

[chilibandit]

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

If you don’t feel comfortable/able to control all these things, turn it into a game with you and your fiance and your closest team. Have little bingo cards with things on there like “mum attempts to make a speech”, “dad’s wife starts a fight”, “cousin X brings an uninvited child”. At least then you can laugh at all their batshittery. You’d almost be willing one of them to kick off so you can tick the last thing off your list.

So elope with your grandparents! Do a registry office with just them and the people that you REALLY want there, announce afterwards and then have a big party with everyone, rather than a ‘wedding’.

If there is a fallout, so be it. Your parents don’t sound like they deserve to be there frankly and you shouldn’t feel obligated to cater to their narcissism and alcoholism. It might give them a wake up call, and the opportunity to really reflect on the repair they need to make to have a good relationship with you.

This is about you, your marriage and having a day that makes you happy. I regretted deeply having/doing things at our wedding that we were railroaded into to please others and it still makes me angry 20 years later.

Elope with your grandparents then!

I would cancel your dad's speech (maybe ask your bridesmaid or grandad to do one instead), have your grandad walk you down the isle. Stick to your choice of bridesmaids, include children as it sounds like they'll be the best behaved guests

You need someone for the day to be the wedding planner or wedding coordinator who can manage everyone on the day. And reinforce all your rules. It’s difficult vouching for yourself but they could support you in what you want.

This.

That’s a load of toxic stuff.

It’s your wedding, your special day, not a family gathering where everyone is equally important. You have the right to plan your special day just like you dreamt of it.

Hold your boundaries and don’t give in

You've got some real chaotic characters in your family, and im assuming youre younger than me, so ill give you some advice.

Getting married can be a rebirth, you will wake up the next morning, with a brand new name- of the man who chose you, and you chose him.
Use the wedding as a line in the sand to remove yourself from the people who do not choose to support you.
Anyone who can't put aside their ego, or put you first on what's supposed to be the "best day" of your life sets the tone for your relationship with them moving on.

Your day, your choices.

Bar your parents coming, just invite the grandparents.

Get married quietly before the "wedding", with your grandparents as witnesses so you have honoured your relationship with them. Then you can tell everyone with opinions to get stuffed.
Your day, your rules.
Uninvite people you don't know (let alone their children) , people who make you uncomfortable, or people who are going to make a scene.
"No" is a complete sentence.

I had similar demands/issues from my awful family about our wedding and gave in to pretty much all of them. No divorced parents but an alcoholic brother with a tendency to be violent who absolutely MUST not only be invited but seated on the top table, family members who MUST be bridesmaids/ushers etc, control over menu/seating plan/timetable and inviting loads of people who I have not seen since.
We went along with most of the demands due to a combination of emotional blackmail and not wanting to cause a scene on the day. In our case anything they had agreed as a compromise was ignored (eg. alcoholic would not drink and would leave after the speeches, people I barely knew would only be invited for the evening etc). We had similar battles after we were married about inviting people to visit when we had newborns, christening arrangements, godparents etc.

I really wish I had put my foot down before the wedding. There would have been arguments and some people would have chosen not to come if things were not done their way but I think that would have shown me their true colours sooner. Agreeing to their demands just pushed the arguments a few years down the line and if anything made things worse then, since they clearly thought if they were horrible enough we would back down.

Could you:
take your grandparents and have a registry office wedding
then have a blessing in their church
and still have the reception at your venue?

Exactly this!! 👏🏻

It’s your wedding so have it how you want it. People are being bloody ridiculous and entitled thinking they can insist on having things you don’t want. We pissed off a few relatives with our wedding but did exactly what we wanted. Be brave!

To keep the peace I would;

• allow your mum either a 10 min speech or allow her to give one at the rehearsal dinner or hen do. (Perhaps ask your bridesmaid to check the speech to make sure it at least says something nice about you in there!)
• allow SIL to be a bridesmaid but essentially don’t give her any roles (ie she’s a BM in name only) except …
• ask SIL to prep and bring some plain sandwiches for your nan. That way, nan is happy and you don’t need to get involved!

None of these will have much negative impact on you but may mean a lot to your mum, SIL and nan respectively. It’s always good to support other women, even when they are family! 🤪🤪.

I’d put your foot down on everything else (walking down aisle, kids attending etc). Thresten your dad that if he complains too much about your grandad walking you down the aisle, you’ll cancel his speech and give the time to your mum instead!

1. Neither of your parents do a speech. Either your grandad does, a friend does it, or no one. Whatever works for you.
2. SIL can’t be your bridesmaid. If she wants to be involved she can be one of her brother’s ushers, there’s no law they have to be men.
3. Grandad gets to walk you in as he was the one who put the hours in.
4. Dad’s wife doesn’t come. You shouldn’t be worried about someone kicking off on your day. If dad doesn’t come either, sounds like no loss.
5. Pizza is fine. I’m surprised anyone still living even regards it as foreign. If there are cold sides etc she won’t starve.
6. If you want no children, it’s no children. It doesn’t matter if they “love a party”. So do I. Can I come?

My wedding was just me, my husband and two witnesses. This is why.

That sounds ideal.

To be honest, from what you've said, it sounds like it wouldn't actually matter very much if your parents decided to boycott the wedding entirely. Your dad barely knows you and has a volatile alcoholic wife, and your mum sounds like a complete horror who left your upbringing to your grandparents, so honestly, fuck the pair of them. If they don't like it they don't have to come. Have your grandad walk you down the aisle.

Your fiance's nan's dislike of pizza is not your problem. You've said yourself that you've already gone to a lot of trouble to find things that people can eat. If she keeps on about it, just say 'Don't worry, I'm sure you'll find something you can eat' and change the subject.

Your SIL's wish to be bridesmaid is not your problem. You were not her bridesmaid, and there's no reason she should be yours. She can be offended if she likes. She can refuse to come to the wedding if she likes - her loss.

Random relatives and their children are not your problem. If they have to refuse the invitation, so what?

You can still get married in the same church. You can just make it all much,much smaller. Friends of ours got married in church and then went back to work afterwards! I don't recommend you do that, but you can still have your grandparents seeing you get married in the same church as them, then go out for a meal with them and your other essential guests. I would probably change the date though.
The deposit is lost money no matter what you do. You can choose to lose much more by having a huge, stressful celebration, or you can cut your losses and cancel the venue.
I hope you find the right solution for you and your future husband. Have you talked to your grandparents about all this? They may have some really good ideas, since they know you well and you are close.

Weddings are the one time I think you can be as selfish as you like! The day is all about you and your finance so you have whatever you want and sod everyone else! Make sure you tell the venue that your mum is not to do a speech so that takes away her ‘surprising you’. Tbh non of the points you’ve made seem unreasonable to me so stick to your guns! Weddings are expensive and you deserve to have the day you want!

Either you're going to have to deal with putting your foot down and saying a firm "No" to all of the above demands, irrelevant of the hostile reactions you'll receive, or elope. Much easier, keeps the day about you and your partner, and avoids all manner of family drama!

Either way, just remember it's your wedding and you owe absolutely nobody an explanation for how you want to do things. If they don't like it, let them lump it. End of story.

Honestly your wedding your rules. I am very much a people pleaser but took a stand about a few things on my wedding day.

Speeches - I would go for neither doing one - ask you MOH and Best Man only.

SIL - Stop hinting. Point blank say sorry I only want my friends. this isn't up for discussion anymore. Rince and repeat every time she askes.

Walking down the aisle - don't let anyone change who you want to do that. Your wedding is about you...not your mum or dad who likely only want to do it for appearance sake.

Food - go with your tastes. Its your day at the end of the day. We 100% chose food and wine we liked and didn't even think about anyone else bar allergies of course.

I also had a vastly child free wedding - no children outside of close family. It annoyed a few people but we had no children so it made sense.

People will get offend and threaten to not attend but remind yourself it is not you making the issues, it is them. If they wanted to be there for you, they would understand what you say

@chilibandit With all that shit going on, it will be a memorable day for all the wrong reasons. Someone, in fact a lot of people, are going to be pissed off, obnoxious and sulking or drunk. It will be very far from a fairy tale wedding you'll probably end up in tears. Go to a registry office, have a blessing in your grandparents church and then throw a very informal party with no speeches and some ham rolls and crisps afterwards. Those sorts of weddings are usually far more fun than a swanky venue. Save your money for a deposit on a house!

Just to say we didn't have traditional speeches at our wedding. DH and I both made speeches to thank everyone for coming.

It's your day, I know it's easy to say you don't have to meet other people's expectations, but you don't.

Also - I've been the friend who was discretely asked to keep an eye on the Mother in Law and keep her occupied to stop her drinking too much and interfering. A little group of us took on the job, discretely, and in shifts, and it was quite good fun in the end.

Whatever you say @chilibandit some of the things that you don't want to happen will happen. We were having a child-free wedding other than one small bridesmaid. This meant that my SIL (two small children) refused to come and somebody else turned up with a child even though we'd explained.
Why don't you get married quietly and just invite the exact people you want to come? Your DM and DF sound appalling, don't invite them, just your GF.
Otherwise your wedding will cost you a fortue and won't be at all what you want. You can probably avoid inviting your SIL too.