To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

[chilibandit]

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

So what if it's "traditional"? Your wedding, your rules! No speeches from either parent.

I'm guessing from the sheer number of people who are trying to walk all over you that you are in general a bit of a People Pleaser. This is no criticism of you OP; adults who have ended up as People Pleasers have generally had the sort of childhood where the adults around them have made their life very difficult, and as children they have tried please those adults to keep them from being aggressive / sulking / downright nasty.

Unfortunately some people take your trying to please everyone around you as permission to push you around - that's why you should be aware you have this tendency, and practice saying NO to them. And whenever they ask for something (or, I suspect, try to paint you into a corner to force you to agree to their unreasonable demands), your default answer should be NO before you even consider what they're even asking of you.

So, the wedding and the people trying to push you around -

I would consider not having either your mum or your dad there. You would "like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party"? Disinvite them. Seriously. They sound like a pair of total wankers and instead of being able to let your hair down you will be on tenterhooks waiting for one or both to embarrass the hell out of you; so I would consider heading that off at the pass by telling them that they've given you so much trouble in the run-up to the wedding that they are disinvited. That takes care of your dad's wife too, she can sit and drink herself insensible at home.

Of course you have your grandfather walk you down the aisle. And if you really must have a speech, he could do that too.

Tel your SIL she's being ridiculous. She can come as a guest or not at all.

And of course, tough shit if someone's kids love a party - they can throw a party for them themselves. This is YOUR party and you control the guest list and they are NOT invited. If that's a problem for the parents, you will absolutely understand if that means they can't come either.

Time to practice your deathstare. The one that means you don't have to verbalise 'fuck off', your face does all the work for you.

Your day - your rules!

And if people filter out because of your rules then so be it - save on food costs and know who’s important moving on in life.

Nothing looks unreasonable.

Gorgeous dress!

I would just say to them you are going with a “non
traditional wedding” I’ve adapted from a PP but please do these.

1. No parents to give a speech: “mum, no one is giving a speech.” Get one of your BMs to be on mum watch. Your dad doesn’t do one either. It’s not mandatory!!! You could just do a very quick “thanks for coming and thanks to my family and in laws for their support (secret lol)”
2. Future SIL “sorry I’ve chosen my bridesmaids but we would love you to do a reading”
3. Grandad: “it’ll mean so much to him. And I want it. End of.” No mum or dad walking you up the aisle!!!
4. Nan: “sorry the food is set. And feel free to leave before the food if it’s an issue”
5. Dad’s partner: “She’s welcome dad, but if she kicks off <insert male> will take her and you out.”

no kids if you don’t want them!! Tell them all I said to hump off.

This is perfect. And you could still get married in the church.

Feel compelled to comment after reading your first post containing the long list of other people trying to influence YOUR day and putting themselves before you and your wishes.

I'd say this is what we're doing. It's non negotiable. We'd love you to be there but understand if you can't make it.

I know lots of the list has been addressed but your nan could have a packed lunch, and, don't give in on the kids!! It completely changes the atmosphere. Each to their own but you are not obliged to accommodate them, especially when you aren't close. Don't let people make you feel bad. Just stand firm and say sorry you feel that way but it's a big day for us and these are our wishes. If you can't respect them, we understand if you can't come. Rinse and repeat. Good luck OP!

Def Just have grandad rather than him and parents. The ones that were pivotal in your life get that honour, that honour isnt just given because they happen to be your parents.

Omg, I too have a nightmare family so thank you for posting this!

One of the reasons we have postponed for many years. We thought we would elope instead but never booked it. We thought we would have a registry and a meal but never booked it.

I think it’s because deep down neither of us were happy with those options.

Well actually I am not sure about that. There was a time when I think we were both happy with the idea of eloping but didn’t get round to organising it. Since then my family tried to ruin my sisters wedding - well actually tried to make out like my partner and I was trying to ruin her wedding. It was bizarre. A complete head fuck.

Anyway then it felt like we had to elope. And Eloping doesn’t feel so fun and freeing when it feels like a forced choice because your family won’t allow you to have a normal wedding. So I don’t know if that’s how you feel but it’s how I feel.

So anyway now we are looking at doing the big wedding again. We are just about to sign with the venue. I don’t give two shits about what people want the wedding to be like. It’s going to be our way. No speeches, no being walking down the aisle, no bridesmaids. It’s going to be completely about our family we have made (DP and I and our two children), and a celebration of that. If people kick off then they are just making themselves look like fools and it’s a reflection on them. They will be removed swiftly.

Yes, that's right! Make YOUR wedding day, the day your new life starts with DH AND the day that marks the start of you taking charge of it fully.

put your Grandparents at the head of it, put your 'parents' in their respective boxes (NO speeches & they will be escorted out yf tgey attempt to do one) & empower both your & his BF's to deal with anyone stepping out of line.

YOU decide whether you'd rather have your father there & risk his wife's bad behaviour or tell your father she is NOT invited & whether he comes or not is up to him. Or you could invite them both to the ceremony only.

Children: do what YOU want. It's great they enjoy a party. Their parents are free to host as many parties as they like 🤣 it's not your job!

SIK: I'd be at the 'oh do shut the fuck up, I've told you NO' stage by now. Just tell her you don't want her in your important photos anymore than she wanted you in hers.

my SIL didn't want me either (I was pleased!!) but she 'offered' to allow me to do a reading' oh how I laughed as I said 'No thank you' the look on her face as I didn't fall at her feet in gratitude🤣🙄🙄

Do what you two want 💕🌷

I hope you have an amazing day too 💕🥰

The simple answer to all these people is
"It's our wedding, not yours. Our wishes are paramount, yours are irrelevant"

Thank you ☺️

OMG 😂😂. After I finished reading OP's post 'I'd just elope' was the first thing out of my mouth. And then I read your comment. I don't know why I've found that so funny that I've felt a need to share. But. Here we are. 😂

Me too!

Go to the registry office with two witnesses as I did and then tell the family you are married. Saves a lot of hassle - any money.

Stick to your guns about most things ...

Fine to leave distant relative children off list. Not fine to leave out nephews, nieces, cousins or siblings.

Perfect to have Grandad walk you down the aisle - tell Mum that it's him or your father.

Prepare special meals for Granny (treat her like she has allergies or special requirements). Caterers can heat in microwave and single her out along with any other guest with dietry requirements.

Step - mother is invited provided she doesn't drink. Hire a removalist for them both (inform Dad of that) should she kick off.

Ask mother to say Grace of your choice. And that she has one minute. She can incorporate a nice sentence or two and end with the Grace. Or allow her to have a speech to greet everyone. Set a time limit for everyone's speeches.

Give future SIL special but behind the scenes tasks. (spraying perfume on pew sheets, table flowers, minding bouquet's during photos, keeping bridesmaids well hydrated, painting their nails, carrying an emergency time sheet for the MC, carrying a first aid kit and sewing kit, writing a list of music ) Remind her that the bridesmaids have been chosen. Allow her to sit near her fiance.

Give your mum a poem to read. That might shut her up!

Buy SIL and Nan special floral corsages and ask SIL to heat and serve premade hot food to Nan.

These problems don't seem too bad.
All large weddings have considerations like these. Findings solutions while being direct, polite and having the wedding you want can be tricky.

Wow, with all that going on - why bother... go and do something small somewhere fun.

But obviously if that isn't appealing then personally I would:

Say yes to your mum's speech.. a small concession and why wouldn't she be able to give one if your absent father can?

Say no to the bridesmaid

Find something for the grandparent to eat - they are old, it happens, but delegate this job to someone else in the bridal party, and let them solve it.

Grandad + mum walk you down the isle. everyone is happy...

Don't exclude your dad's wife, have a chat with them both, and again, maybe delegate someone trustworthy who knows them to keep an eye on her..

No comment on keeping it kid free, as I personally never agree with this one.

I second this as I was going to say you should do
this exactly. You could include your parents though.

Far less drama and stress and closer to what you actually want without having to fight people, and upset your parents.

Arranging something your gran can eat should be easy.

There’s always the one drunk at a family party - I have no advice for you, only solidarity. But it’s down to your father to make sure she doesn’t make a scene else they leave.

For your SIL your fiancée needs to give her a hint. Who actually likes wedding speeches? Why not walk down the aisle with your fiancée?

I can understand why your parents want to be included, and why it would be hurtful to them.

It’s your day though. Do you both TRULY care about all the traditions? I PROMISE You can skip or omit whatever you don’t like.

There are multiple ways to include family in the event.

If I were getting married I would make sure it wasn’t traditional and do only the things we actually like.

No high heels for me; no walking down the aisle with everyone looking at us. Photos with fiancée before the very short ceremony. No walking down an aisle of any sort, nor mandatory slow dancing and no conga lines. Cut and serve cake straight after vows (because it never gets eaten). A magical ethereal winter wedding or spring wedding?

Children would be included & outside childcare included. I love to see children dancing and the innocence and joy they bring to festivities. Or the funny things they say and do which remind people to laugh.

Dancing? if it happened it wouldn’t be all night with all night drinking. Personally I hate dancing after a big meal. And a wedding doesn’t have to be a piss up.

No idea what I would do in the in between bar some lovely food - long tables. Maybe people would toast & say some kinds words. I would quite like a live folksy singer with a guitar actually, maybe a steel drum band performance too! Dancing would be okay here.

People can go back to their rooms and chill for a bit, so we can all have a break from peopling.

Close friends and family change into loungewear and watch a movie on a projector with comfy seating and cushions. Or another activity tbd. Popcorn, snacks, maybe some food trucks.

Morning brunch with nearest & dearest.

You’ve got two choices. Either elope and get married in peace or have your big wedding and be on edge all day because someone is going to spoil it.

If I were you I’d be sitting down with your grandparents and explaining to them everything you have said here, they would want you to be happy over everything and it doesn’t sound like you are going to be with all of these issues.

Elope or just do friends only

You really need to be assertive and tell them as it is. People pleasing doesn't get you anywhere. Stand up for yourself.

Have the wedding but don’t invite any family other than your grandparents.

Why don’t you have a small ceremony just the two of you with your grandparents? Then go for a meal.
Tell everyone afterwards.
You could have a party if you wanted to later on , maybe on your anniversary?

Say no to all of it.
Have the 6’5” athlete escort your dad’s wife out if she kicks off. He is of course free to go with her.
Your fiancé’s nan can bring a lunchbox.

Hints to DSIL sound like a lot of work. Have one stock phrase to give in reply to her questions to tell her you’ve got bridesmaids under control. Repeat exactly the same thing every time she mentions it. If she probes for further details be vague, say you’ve got it covered and TBC.