To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

[chilibandit]

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

”It’s our wedding. We are paying. What we want is what is happening. End of”
Then your parents can either fall in line or not come. Nan and grandad are the most important to you, so there’s absolutely no reason why you are putting up with their shit.
Honestly there are plenty of people I your friend groups who will act as security for you!

Absolutely none of your requests are unreasonable at all. You really do need to stop being a passenger at your own wedding … it will only set you up for life.
As much as you are a people pleaser it sounds like you have a tribe of strong characters around you who will step in to make sure your wedding runs your way; please please do try to work on this for yourself though.
Have the best day 🤍💍💐

So you’d put the parent that you’ve barely got a relationship with before the parent who raised you? If I were your DM I’d be very very upset at this.

You + DP
Grandparent as witnesses.
Boom..

I'm hearing your desire to get married in your local church, @chilibandit. Speak to the bicar and set out your concerns- ask to be married by Special Licence, which will enable you to keep it under wraps so you can keep things low-key and not involve people you don't want included. Have the guest list you want not what others demand, you don't have to elope to achieve this. Then throw a party using your venue without the pressures and stresses of a wedding day.
The one note of caution is that you risk relationship damage with people close to you. Make sure your DH-to-be is onside with whatever you want from the day, because he will need to gave your back. Establish your narrative with those whose goodwill you will rely on, so they aren't easily got at by those who are hurt, angry, or offended by your choices.
One thing I've learned over many years and many weddings is that less is very often more. Trust your instincts in not allowing your wedding to be a three-ring circus driven by what everyone else wants.

Can you speak to the venue and tell them that if she asks they are to say no to your mum giving a speech?
Maybe also ask if stepmum can go on a no serve list at the bar?
Sister in law - just no.
Have grandad walk you down the aisle
Nan - if she is hungry then tough. She knows in advance so can bring a sandwich!
So what if the kids ‘love a party’ their parents can throw them one. Stick with child free of that’s what you want.
PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! This is yours and your Fiancé’s day, you decide.

To be honest with this much aggravation I think I’d change plans entirely and either elope or dial it right back to a small wedding with just the people you want there!

It's your day. Do what you want regardless of what other people are demanding. If it upsets them so be it. Unless any of them are contributing in any major way then they can back off. My wedding was child free (limited numbers, preferred to have more friends than kids I don't have a relationship with) The parents of said children thoroughly enjoyed themselves!

Elope - arrange a ceremony at the local registry office and invite your grandparents as witnesses. You don't need to go too far away if you don't want to. You could always say to grandparents, we are taking you out for a meal - wear something nice and go to the restaurant via the register office!

My mum was incredibly awkward and demanding about our wedding - if we didn't do things her way she would sulk for days and not talk to us. In the end, my dad (bless him) came around to see hubby to be and I and knew how unhappy we were (am sure he was getting it from mum too!). He said to leave Mother to him, and apologised for all the agro and offered us £10K to elope and leave the other plans behind!

Not sure if Dad told mum what he'd done ... but she didn't put up any objections to the wedding after that ... and didn't end up eloping!

If I had to make a happy day out of all that, I'd cancel the wedding and elope. Good luck 👍

YANBU at all. I wouldn't let Dad do a speech though as I think that should be Grandad as he's walking you down the aisle. Def do it your way, its your day 💐

The bride and groom decide ....
Thats it really.
Explain what is going to happen at your wedding eg: who is giving speeches,the food,bridesmaids,child free,who is walking you down the aisle etc.
Then those invited can decide if they wish to attend or not.
As for the alcoholic stepmother ,tell your Dad you prefer her not to drink ,explain why ,if she refused decide if you want to invite her or not and tell your Dad,what he does is up to him.
Have the wedding as you want it.

This!

1. Mum speech: “mum, no one is giving a speech.” Get one of your BMs to be on mum watch.
2. Future SIL “haha no SIL, what if you’re not in the family one day?! I’ll have my girls like you had yours”
3. Grandad: “it’ll mean so much to him. And I want it. End of.” I am not having mum or dad. If you don’t like it you can’t come
4. Nan: “got you a meal deal! But feel free to leave before the food if it’s an issue”
5. Dad’s partner: “She’s welcome dad, but if she kicks off <insert male> will take her and you out.”

Agreeing with @MakingLasagne here

My family behaved atrociously, both on the day itself and in the week leading up to it. They ruined it for me and I still feel upset when I look at the photos. I wish I had had the backbone and the life experience then that I have now. Arsey menopausal me would have put paid to their shit in no time!

It’s crucial that you don’t give in on any of the things that matter to you, I think. Not only will you regret it forever if you let them ruin it, but it sets the tone and the boundaries for your married life. They need to know they can’t control you.

Book a registry office wedding and have grandparents as witnesses

Elope.

Jesus op. Cancel it, loose your deposit and get married just the two of you and your closest friends, come back and have a big party after. No good is going to come from it. Weddings are stressful at the best of times, everyone wants a say and something will end up happening which will be the thing you will always remember about your day and it will piss you off forever more. You are already foreseeing massive problems. Your wedding is about the love between you and your partner, no one else matters.

Good for you @chilibandit

I had a similar dynamic at my wedding. It caused untold stress. I stood firm.. and my relative didn’t speak to me for two years.

That was their choice.. they couldn’t deal with the fact that for once in my life I had stood up to them.

They didn’t come to the wedding and spent my honey moon spamming me to tell me how wrong I was. They didn’t speak to me for two years afterwards. Their behaviour really made it clear to me that they were utterly unreasonable and our relationship was built on a dynamic of me being compliant to their needs… and when I wasn’t, they we incandescent. When I felt sad about it I reminded myself that this was their choice, not mine.

Our relationship is healthier than it has ever been…they now accept my boundaries and on the occasion where they try and overstep them, it’s easier for me now to speak up.

(I still don’t forgive them for the drama they caused in what should have been a lovely time and they are visibly uncomfortable when any talk about my wedding comes up. That’s tough shit for them… it was a brilliant day).

Well except for your allergies which must be pretty broad if there wasn’t a thing you could eat at SIL’s wedding and you had to eat a takeaway outside. That’s pretty extreme.

@chilibandit
I seriously think that Gretna Green be a-calling!
You obviously come from a very entitled and selfish family stable
So bolt that door and just go!
It's your wedding so you do you
As its your day completely
Also
You cave into this they will always make unreasonable demands
Whilst claiming you have no idea
And what's going to happen when children enter the mix???

The saddest thing is that banning your actual parents would get rid of all your problems. And you're still bending over backwards to accommodate those useless fucks while they glide through life completely oblivious to the damage they're doing.

They've let you down all your life, when will they ever add to your life?

Your day, your say!

Hope you have the best wedding op x