I'm finding parenting tough and mum ignores me

[BeUmberViper]

I find parenting tough. Since he was born I have had anxiety and woke up thinking he would be a sids baby etc.

Going back to work eased it but now it's the constant no no no for everything..he's 2.5 and wants to get his own way. Sometimes it's ok but sometimes my stress peaks.

I've said to my mum I can't cope and I find it so hard. She just kinda ignores me. No words of advice.

Has done my whole life.

What do I do now?

I've contacted home start (32 on their referral), I don't have any mum friends since we only have weekends free and everyone gets busy etc.

I find the wake up due to him crying through the night and morning to be really jarring. It's 24/7. I'm either working or looking after him.

I don't have time for myself, can't work less, don't have enough money as it is and really alone.

Any ideas of why she's so cold?

He hung himself in her hall. FFS. SHE PLAINLY POSTED THAT.

Ok I have checked back and still can't see this, so maybe that comment has been hidden.

That still doesn't solve the mystery of his parents/family as surely they would like to keep a connection to the baby that is biologically his.

F

For the hard of reading.

Not that I can see. 🤷‍♀️

I have just posted HER post.

Well then it doesn’t matter why she’s like that.

If you want her to change maybe get angry or just accept how she is, she lacks empathy.

I have posted it for you. No wonder people on here find it hard to post. People can't read!

14.06

Oh my goodness! I am sorry you have had to go through this. That is fucking awful.

However nobody could know this so please don't take the "what about dad?" questions as an attack. Your situation is very unusual and no-one's thoughts would jump to such a tragic reason you don't mention a partner. I think people just assume partner = the easiest way to receive some respite and they were trying to find a solution that way.

Of course you don't need to divulge your whole personal history but I imagine experiencing the loss of your husband in such a way has had a huge impact on the way you are feeling and coping right now, it's no doubt affected your whole parenting journey. What support / counselling have you had.

As for your mum, again no-one can say for sure but if she hasn't stepped up now it's unlikely she'll do so in the future.

Just to echo everyone else. I'd be telling the nursery on repeat about the nap - email everyday if you have to! This is pure laziness on their part.

Obviously there isn't another parent around or she'd have said in the first place.

She isnt asking the dgm to be 'legally responsible' she is asking, as many do on mn, why she isn't interested in helping. We don't know but many people are sadly useless and selfish and it's fine to moan about it.

The op seems really exhausted and at the end of her tether so doesn't need patronising or this long winded telling off.

I genuinely don't know why but that post is not showing, even if I go back and check.

Anyway, do his family have any interest in the baby? I would wonder if they would be keen to help in order to keep a connection to their son.

What support did you get during pregnancy? Surely this was flagged with the midwives and the HV team.
Have you gone back to the doctor's for counselling?

This sounds utterly shit. I'm so sorry for you. Big hugs.

She's likely seeing you're doing a damn sight better job than she ever did, so is deciding to turn away from you. I'd grey rock/go low contact.

I'd search for support elsewhere. Build yourself up. It won't happen over night.

I've just moved to a new area abroad and literally know no one, so I've been using 'peanut'. It's an app for mums, a bit like tinder (feels a bit weird to start with). But I've already met some lovely Mums to meet up with- especially those who don't have any other support. It's still early stages /pleasantries with most, but I'm hoping one or 2 might become actually become good friend.

In fact, one I met on there (only a few months ago), brought me food when my toddler was in hospital for a few days because there was literally no one else to do it: he couldn't leave the room and I couldn't leave him to go to the cafeteria!

I really would ditch your Mum and begin to build your 'village' (cheesy, but true).

Anyway, hope you don't feel so alone now after all these comments (ignore the ignorant ones). Hugs x

Thank you.

I went to a meet up for the Gingerbread and it wasn't a great experience.

I will try peanut.

My mum does a better job the me

What does your mum do a better job at?

I'm not sure that's true. You sound like a Mum who is going through a tough time and trying to do her best, your Mum doesn't sound like she's trying to do her best.

Parenting isn’t a term that applies when the ‘child’ in the relationship is a full adult and married (albeit bereaved) with her own child.
Whatever assistance or support that is extended after 21-ish must be viewed as discretionary, in reality.

What is certain is that a combination of a clearly unwilling (grand)mother and a daughter whose instinctive reaction to even gentle enquiry is a ‘quills out’ prickly outrage was always unlikely to have grown into a mutually supportive relationship.
Things might mellow, in time. Your mother may have things going on herself which are hindering a helpful attitude now, and for your own sanity it’s worth allowing that to be an explanation, or you’ll continue to eat yourself up in chewing over why she hasn't flown to your side to help you.
You asked a question here without confiding essential details about your situation, but still snapped at those who replied on the basis of insufficient info. We don't always disclose the big story when there’s a subsidiary one to be dealt with immediately, do we? Your mum might be the same.

There may be a great deal about your mother that you won’t learn for some years still; your child might be the key to this lock, and to a much better relationship between you.
If she were to view her grandchild as nothing but a gift in her life, without any strings at all (for the time being), she could find love for the child inside herself which would knit the three of you into a tight unit, such as you need very much right this minute, of course.

I can't imagine the emotions which must be flooding through you since that terrible day, and I was horrified to read of it a little while ago. I really do have a heart, and it goes out to you in your trouble.

That's where you and I differ

Respectfully, your child is 2.5 years old. You have no idea how you’ll feel when he’s grown up, because you have no idea what your parenting journey will be like. When my eldest was a toddler, I couldn’t have imagined all but washing my hands of him as an adult. However, two decades later after the hell he has put me through relentlessly for many years, I can say honestly that I will not even contemplate being an active grandma when he has children of his own (despite having been a devoted and committed parent, whose life has genuinely revolved around my children).

Your feelings are akin to those of a childless person fishing up lashings of judgement about people’s parenting and how they wouldn’t possibly do X, Y or Z.

You come across as rude, aggressive and with a massive chip on your shoulder. That may be because you’re utterly at the end of your tether, and not reflective of you generally, or it may be that your mum has had a difficult parenting journey and/or just finds you difficult to be around, hence her reluctance to engage. Equally, it may be that you are the way you are because you had a horrific childhood with a dreadful mother - in which case do you really want her around your child anyway?

You can’t change your mum, but you can change nursery.

What was your mum like when you were growing up op?

I know mine did her best but I also know she really struggled with parenting and the connection there was never really that great.

I think it's similar now for her as a grandparent. Lots of women want to be the type of Granny that comes in with gifts doesn't lift a finger and wants to be adored with a sense of having 'done their time'. And sadly you can't force someone to want to do more than that. Or perhaps she's felt like you've ended up leaning on her more than she's comfortable with and this is her way of ensuring you 'lean in' to parenting through your grief (not saying that's the right thing for her to do but I also know that's what my mum did when my marriage ended out of the blue).

It's hard op because it sounds from your posts like you've tried to have this out with her. What response has she given?

You might never get a clear answer to any of these questions so the best thing you can probably do is try to get some counselling to help build your own resilience and eventually get to a place of acceptance with things. I know that really helped me when my husband let us down really badly straight after ds was born and I became a lone parent never ever expecting that to be my life.

You are clearly in a lot of pain from your posts. People were asking about your circumstances because look at all the many posts on here from women who are utterly burnt out and get no time to themselves with a husband who's out cycling 5 days a week living his best life. I also think that the fact you're trying to parent through significant grief and trauma of your own is really key to this. Have you ever had bereavement counselling?