I'm finding parenting tough and mum ignores me

[BeUmberViper]

I find parenting tough. Since he was born I have had anxiety and woke up thinking he would be a sids baby etc.

Going back to work eased it but now it's the constant no no no for everything..he's 2.5 and wants to get his own way. Sometimes it's ok but sometimes my stress peaks.

I've said to my mum I can't cope and I find it so hard. She just kinda ignores me. No words of advice.

Has done my whole life.

What do I do now?

I've contacted home start (32 on their referral), I don't have any mum friends since we only have weekends free and everyone gets busy etc.

I find the wake up due to him crying through the night and morning to be really jarring. It's 24/7. I'm either working or looking after him.

I don't have time for myself, can't work less, don't have enough money as it is and really alone.

Any ideas of why she's so cold?

You will definitely be eligible for counselling on the NHS.

Can you afford to take time off sick with stress? I think you genuinely are unwell with it all.

Drip feeding my husband's death? No, none of your concern. I'm asking about my mother

No one knows why your mother isn't interested, you know her better than we do, so if you dont know why, how are we meant to? Ultimately you cant change her. Is your dad interested? Are your husbands parents inerested? Siblings?

Nurseries that let small children sleep the day away when you’re paying is infuriating! Yes waken a sleeping child - day time is for doing things, bar a small nap if needed, nighttime is for sleeping.

Id look for another nursery.

Your Mum doesn’t want to be involved and doesn’t have to. It’s very draining to be made someone’s sounding board or to have them try to involve you in their problems.

Some people on here and in the rw think it stops at 16. You didn't choose your mum.

“Read the room” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

What was she like as a mum when you were little? Were there things she was particularly good at or bad at? Was there anything she enjoyed doing with you?

She might be shite at the advice and supportive type role, or picking up on social queues when someone's looking for help. She might be quite immature, seeing herself as the pity case, and never been good at thinking of others. You might need to tell her straight and ask her to help with things, whether it's giving him a bath or batch cooking some meals - i dunno, whatever she's capable of doing that might make your life easier.

You're going to have to play to your mum's strengths (if she has any) and not expect her to suddenly get the message. Sorry that this is such a crap situation, i hate that there's no one to step-up for you. Give your mum another chance, you'll have to be straight with her (but not angry/resentful), maybe she'll get the message.

If you come back with how she reacts or what she says, someone on here will have experience and might be able to help with what's going in with her and how to deal with it.

The only person who knows why she’s like that is your mum. People are offering great advice and trying to help you, but you are hung up on the issue with your mum. You can’t change her, and only she knows why she’s the way she is.

Read the room means notice the mood in the room. We're not in a room. You are obviously upset with your mum and blaming her for a lot. This may or may not be warranted but there was no room to read re your husband's death.

Hi OP, you sound in a lot of distress. I think you need to pick apart your relationship with your Mum since you were born and also try to look at her life and try to understand her experiences to answer your own question. No-one here can possibly know on the information given but there are a lot of us with parents who we are not close to and have not been helpful so you're not alone in that.

Has she always been quite disconnected from you? Has there been a time in your life when she has been able to support you fully and you've felt loved and safe? Has anything changed with her? Does she say she wants to help you?

The other posters are trying to help but have the experience of knowing that people don't change unless they want to. They can't help who they are, and right now, you might think your mum is the problem but she isn't fixable. The nursery and your child's sleep routine are two immediate issues that could be fixed...that's why people are going to that. They're trying to help you be less tired.

'Again, I'm asking why she's like that'

Some people are useless. Sadly we have to accept that.

For now you just have to power through. It will get easier is the only thing anyone can say. Best of luck.

Tbf it doesn't literally mean a room. It means be sensitive to a situation, we don't literally have to be in the room. Tone etc can be 'read' online so imo not mentioning a dp meant there wasn't one on the scene.

Often on here it means the mum doesn't want to admit the dad does no parenting and the mum is blaming the grandparents for not taking part in parenting. That's what people are wondering. No dad or rubbish dad.

Why is someone's first reaction - where is the dad.

Next comments are - why didn't you abort.

It's painful of this forum

It is relevant if you have any additional help in the form of a partner or coparent as you do sound like youre (understandanly) struggling. Im very sorry to hear about your husband.

Could you try the app Peanut to make mum friends? People often write if theyre a single/solo mum. Also Gingerbread is a chairty for single parents, they may do meet ups near you.

I’ll have my son with me for the rest of my life actually - he’s disabled. So no, I definitely don’t think that.

My mum has stopped actively parenting her grown up children, and I - like you - can’t make her do otherwise.

Did anyone say that? If they did they were out of order

Because the responsibility for parenting legally and morally falls to two people Mum and Dad. It does not fall to a grandmother.

This is not being insensitive. This is not being a dick. It's trying to establish circumstances.

You want to pin this responsibility onto your mother. It remains not her responsibility whatever the circumstances - even if the are tragic - unless she is happy to offer. Yes offer. Not be emotionally blackmailed or coerced into it.

If the responsibility is yours alone, unfortunately you have to deal with that.

There are lots of bereavement support groups out there which help with parents and children alike.

I suggest that is where you look for help.

This lashing out at your mother and people trying to help you on MN is nasty. It doesn't lend itself to giving you sympathy that you might otherwise receive here. That's on you and of your own making not MN being an awful place in its own right.

Indeed that's quite a lot of people who have gone out of their way to try and help you only for you to spit the dummy at them. You are trying to see negative where there is a lot of caring and trying to help which is really positive.

No matter what your circumstances, if you can't see this, no one can help you. You need to start helping yourself by looking for these positives. Do this and your life will lift and start to look better without any other changes at all. No one else can do this for you.

Where is the dad is often because if dads here the responsibility lies with him before a grandparent.

As to aborting, you can love and want your child regardless of circumstances and you can love and want your child and still be absolutely overwhelmed by your circumstances and having a hard time and that feels terrible. I'm sorry that's where you find yourself.

You must be filled with lots of feelings of anger and unfairness and you won't have time to process them because you've a baby. It's so so hard.

You can access counselling on the NHS, I know because I have after my son's health issues. It was life changing. I hope you find some peach and support.

I don't understand why you won't answer the question about whether there is another parent involved - whether this be a dad or another mum. This would also enable people to consider why their side of the family aren't helping.
All you are focusing on is blaming your mum for not helping. She doesn't want to do you need to consider who else is around (other grandparents for example)
Responding to everyone with read the room is rude and I can see why your mum doesn't want to help as I expect her suggestions have gone down just as well (and maybe you even say to her read the room).

You don't want to change nursery but what about a childminder. They are often much more flexible. People are giving you realistic suggestions but you are being quite rude to the them.

No one suggested why didn't you abort. You are making things up now.

If you are a genuine poster, please talk to your GP, to get referred for help.

She did! For the first time. I am going to echo the OP. Read the THREAD. So insensitive.

Single parenting as a widow is a special kind of hell. There is no opportunity to grieve your husband and often no support from other family, possibly due to their grief. I know as I walking the same road as you.

Your mother doesn't help you because she doesn't want to. It's shit but there it is. 'Friends' see you as a threat to their own relationships.

Concentrate on things you can change like a change of daycare. Get on a couple of waiting lists. Have faith in yourself, I bet you are doing an amazing job.

I still can't see where she has said about the dad.
There is a comment about drip feeding about him being dead but this doesn't come across as genuine (and doesn't answer if the babies dad was dead why she can't ask his family for support).

OP you may find that there is support available from organisations such as https://uksobs.com/ - local to me there are other services that would help as well, for example, trauma-based therapies on the NHS for people who have been through significant trauma. I would definitely talk to your GP if you haven't already. Focusing on your mum is unhelpful and is just going to get you 'stuck' - she is really irrelevant to the situation. Do you late husband's family have any support they can offer you?