I'm finding parenting tough and mum ignores me

[BeUmberViper]

I find parenting tough. Since he was born I have had anxiety and woke up thinking he would be a sids baby etc.

Going back to work eased it but now it's the constant no no no for everything..he's 2.5 and wants to get his own way. Sometimes it's ok but sometimes my stress peaks.

I've said to my mum I can't cope and I find it so hard. She just kinda ignores me. No words of advice.

Has done my whole life.

What do I do now?

I've contacted home start (32 on their referral), I don't have any mum friends since we only have weekends free and everyone gets busy etc.

I find the wake up due to him crying through the night and morning to be really jarring. It's 24/7. I'm either working or looking after him.

I don't have time for myself, can't work less, don't have enough money as it is and really alone.

Any ideas of why she's so cold?

@BeUmberViper maybe if you weren't so prickly and rude people would want to help you.

Can’t help on this, sorry. People are asking valid questions and you’re getting all defensive. Hard to know what to suggest really.

I"m hearing you are tired and fed up.

Attacking people won't help your situation or gain the advice you so badly need.

It's fair that people ask why the father isn't helping. There are a number of possible reasons. OK, so he's a not around.

Your mother. If she just sits and smokes when she calls around, would you really want her to look after your child?

Look at what you can change. The nursery. Perhaps chat to them about how you are struggling with night time waking and ask for suggestions? Or change child care provider, maybe a nanny or child minder?

My mum also has no interest in my child op and its sad but I can't change her. She is who she is and she feels how she feels. Personally I think she's missing out but that's her call. I honestly don't think you can do anything about your mum unfortunately unless would she be more willing if you paid her for a few set hours in the week to give yourself a break? You can't force her to bee supportive sadly op and I feel for you because it sucks.

Or if there are any staff in your child's nursery you do like would they want to take on a few extra hours babysitting and you pay them for it?

Are you a lone parent op or is baby's dad involved at all? Do they pay you maintenance for baby's care? Have you checked into all the benefits entitlements you might be able to get if you're a lone parent?

Is there any free phone counselling service you could use in your area for a bit of support with your anxiety and space for you to just talk things through?

I'd put it in writing to the nursery and say that the length of the nap your dc is having daily is significantly affecting their ability to sleep during the night which is affecting your mental wellbeing as your dcs primary carer. I'd say that you've asked repeatedly for your child to be woken after 1.5hrs so they can have a reasonable nap and stay in a proper, developmentally appropriate sleep pattern and ask for their policy around infant sleep and napping in their setting. I find it odd that they refuse to wake a sleeping child, it does sound like they don't want to deal with the grumpiness of it. But at 2.5yo it should be pretty normal for them to start to drop their nap so 3hrs is very very long. Alternatively you ask them not to let your dc nap at all and see if they can manage through to bedtime and go down earlier.

You could also put your child on a wait list for another local nursery or look into local child minders who may be more flexible. And then see if the issue resolves in the meantime or move when a space comes up.

If you can't change the nursery then follow the second set of steps outlined to chase them up regarding their policies. Ultimately, the nursery is Ofsted inspected and parents views are part of that, so pursuing an issue should eventually trigger the management of the nursery to realise this.

I think it's clear that the father is not involved at all, given what the OP has said about no other support. I don't know why people want her to have to say it explicitly.

You can self refer to NHS Talking Therapies, just have an internet search for it in your area.

I think it was perfectly valid to ask about the father, the PP wasn't to know that the father obviously isn't on the scene. I hope you're at least getting money from him to help support the child.

Your Mum for whatever reason doesn't want to help. Tbh if my Mum was more interested in smoking rather than spending time with my child I wouldn't want her around them really anyway. If she wanted to help then she would and unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that.

I'd try speaking to the nursery again, explaining that since he has a 3 hour nap during the day with them, he's not sleeping at night and you'd like some advice and help on how to deal with that.

If you’re a single parent, say that. You chose to post here, if people are going to reply and offer help or advice it’s a simple question.

I had the same issue with my son’s nursery and naps while I was pregnant and my husband was deployed with the military. They’d let him sleep either long and/or late and it obviously affected our evenings and then he was tired again the next day… it was relentless. I had a meeting with the room leader in the end and explained my positioning and why I felt a blanket ‘we don’t wake them’ rule was applicable here as they were harming our family! We agreed to a 45m nap max, and I got that in writing. He did eventually grow out of it once he moved to the pre school room as they didn’t do a nap time. It is insane they won’t agree to a cap, I’d make a formal complaint.

Re your mum, the NHS does offer therapy but the waitlist is long and you’re unlikely to get deep work on family dynamics and unpicking a childhood. I can’t explain why your mum doesn’t care as much as you’d like, I think for the time being it’s about expecting less of her so you’re not disappointed. Or being specific in what you ask for, ie take time to the park for an hour or do X job for you. Coming over and you still parenting isn’t what you need!

No the NHS doesn't offer this kind of therapy. I don't think I implied that? But (private) psychotherapy is a great place to unpack the impact that your mother had/has on your thinking (and, more importantly, teaches you not to turn into your mother!).

To be fair on the OP, she said she can't afford a different nursery for her child so I think it's fair to assume that she wouldn't be able to afford to go private.

But read the room. Be inclusive

OP, people are taking time out to answer you thoughtfully and with advice. People who have been in your position.

But you are repeatedly being rude and abrasive. Are you aware that is how you are coming across?

If you spoke to me this way in real life, I wouldn't see you again. You don't get second chances with people and friends. I really think you need to reflect on your communication with people.

And perhaps you are more like your mother than you realise.

What room are we meant be reading?
I'm intrigued OP

There is no room.

The only thing we can read are your actual words.

Someone asking about your child's father's involvement (or lack of it) does not deserve to have their head bitten off.

You didn't mention him so they did and that's fair enough, considering you started a thread asking for advice.

Wow.

That was uncalled for. That was a perfectly reasonable answer.

Looks like the only one not reading the room is the one lashing out at people trying to assess the situation and help.

OP, i can completely understand how hard it is, I am a lone parent 100% of the time to a 20 month old, which it sounds like you also are.

We dont know your mum, there are many reasons she could be not as engaged as you'd hoped. She doesnt care enough, shes busy, she helps you practically and finds the emotional stuff more difficult, she doesnt help you practically but finds the emotion stuff more difficult, shes closed off, she cant relate, she can relate all too well, etc. We dont know. What we do know is that you're struggling, which is why people are giving you advice of this nature.

Could you try weekend groups like football (diddykicks), swimming lessons, dance, gymnastics etc to get you out of the house and potentially meet other mums in similar situations?

I would take nursery up on their offer and have one more conversation about how the sleep is impacting your lives and ask them to cap the nap. There isnt much else you can do, either that, change nurseries or accept the sleep.

Hi I've asked them three times, the manager, started a complaint, they upheld their policy, so nothing I can do..

I have gone to weekend football classes and everyone was with partners or didn't want to chat. Was also expensive at £60 and messed with me actually getting stuff done on the weekends. Was become stressful. I dunno, maybe I'll start again

Yeah I'm asking as a lone parent myself. And I was asking because I obviously know that comes with additional challenges but also because its not fair to make assumptions on your circumstances as he may help very sporadically, or you may want to push for him to help more. It's not a judgement, it's seeking clarity so advice can be more tailored to your situation.

Could your hv suggest any single parent groups in your area?

Going back to.your original question about your mother.

Has she always been cold? Maybe her personality, her upbringing, trauma, a range of reasons. She is what she is though.

I don't know where you live but I've had a Google and there are different groups in different areas for support from other single mums. Maybe joining a group for similar might help by chatting to others.

That was what I was saying. People can be inclusive when they know more and whether the dad is on the scene means people can be inclusive of everything. You didn't say you were a single Mum in your OP, it's fine for someone to ask, they asked and you're having a go at everyone who says it was a valid question.

You're making it into a big deal and derailing your own thread.

OP I can hear through every reply of yours how tired and out of resources you feel, and how lonely all this is. I remember this time myself as a parent and it was both the best yet the worst time. No one prepares you for the admin things of having a child, and how others can impact the day to day scenarios.

Sounds like the nursery are not compliant and are working against you, a 3 hour nap is really unhealthy as well for this age. 1 hour max I would say. To me it sounds like they have an issue they are not addressing at their nursery which is unrelated to your DS. More on how they manage things. So I get your frustration and its justified. You will need to put in writing via email, if you have not done so already, not face to face, what impact this is having on you as a family not least your DS quality of life or more his night sleep quality, that his welfare should be the focus, not their stance on how nice it is to let him sleep 3 hours and the break they get from each child who sleeps for that long. Is there an orginasation or firm that is overseeing this nursery? if so make a stern complaint to them and how often you are having to raise this issue, you are their client.

Sounds like you are doing everything you can that is within your power to adjust, work, home and family. But you do need time for you or you will simply burn out and that is not going to serve anyone.

With regards to your mum, could it be that you need to refrain from leaning on her, whether that be emotionally or for any assistance with DS? It sounds like she is not available for whatever reason, and even though our mothers are our first port of call when we need something, it is double as frustrating when all you get a no, and perhaps made to feel like you are not handling motherhood which is not the case here.

Are you able to afford a babysitter? Nanny?

OP you are doing great and I am sure there are so many reading your post relating to every word of yours.

Hi I have gone down the formal complaint and it wasn't upheld.

I don't have anyone else that can offer me support, just her.

I don't have any money to spare.

I had my 3rd knowing I would be a single parent as dad refused to be involved. I knew by doing so, the whole weight of parenting would be on me and I already had very little support in terms of family. I’m no contact with my mum.

Yes, I’m exhausted, I get frustrated but this was all through my own choices. None of us know the reasons your child doesn’t have a father hence why it has been asked where he is in all of this.

You’re focussing on what’s wrong with your mum- you’ll probably never get to the bottom of that. What you should be focussed on is trying to actually accept the cards life has dealt you and learn how to manage them.

Sniping at strangers on the internet who are actually trying to give advice answers enough to everyone, it’s likely your own attitude and the fact that no solution offered is ever going to appease you, nor are you willing to actually take on board most of the information given.

After ‘reading the room’ the only barriers I’m seeing is your own attitude.

😖

No I'm making a question trying to understand her behaviour.

Stop thinking you understand the situation and that I should act a certain way.

Why do people change a post to all about them when it's clear the post is about one thing. I'm asking why a parent doesn't offer any emotional support.

So yes, read the room.