I'm finding parenting tough and mum ignores me

[BeUmberViper]

I find parenting tough. Since he was born I have had anxiety and woke up thinking he would be a sids baby etc.

Going back to work eased it but now it's the constant no no no for everything..he's 2.5 and wants to get his own way. Sometimes it's ok but sometimes my stress peaks.

I've said to my mum I can't cope and I find it so hard. She just kinda ignores me. No words of advice.

Has done my whole life.

What do I do now?

I've contacted home start (32 on their referral), I don't have any mum friends since we only have weekends free and everyone gets busy etc.

I find the wake up due to him crying through the night and morning to be really jarring. It's 24/7. I'm either working or looking after him.

I don't have time for myself, can't work less, don't have enough money as it is and really alone.

Any ideas of why she's so cold?

Baby's father? Can he help?
Don't spend time overthinking your mother. Won't help you.

What?

How bold of you

Nursery are like "you can always speak to us, we can help support" with what. They won't even curb the sleep so now he sleeps 3 hours at nursery and won't sleep at home

I don't know why your mum is so cold. But, if it's a long term thing I would just no longer expect her to offer any advice, sympathy or empathy.

Is she interested in helping practically - as in, will she babysit for you or have DS over on his own? It may be better to ask her for specific things rather than wait for her to offer.

Take nursery up on their support. Ask them for a meeting. They will have seen it all before and will have parenting resources and services they can refer you to.
Some children sleep badly. But experts can help you with sleep training advice and behaviour management.

Nursery should stop the three hour nap
they can have quiet time with the toddlers but a three hour nap is for their convenience and is impacting his sleep at home

none of us can answer why your mum is the way she is but would suggest you find other routes of practical support

Parenting is tough.

do you have any other family or friends that you can ask for support?

I found mum and baby/toddler groups helpful

I work full time and no groups at the weekend

I don't know whether this is possible with your work, but you could consider taking a day of annual leave if you are feeling really frazzled and need some time to yourself.

Well they won't so why would I be asking them for support when they are causing 50% of the issues.

It's also annoying because Xmas eve I have to work and they "shut the nursery so we can spend time with our families", and charge me the full day rate. So I kindly told them I have to work, which was meet with "he will be the only one there, we want to spend it with our family" etc. So I kinda feel like I don't want to talk to them when they are acting in unhelpful ways.

So much of the emails I get sent are ignored - you know mundane things but also holiday times so I get a call on day three of nursery asking where is and they are at my door....

So the creche avoid caring for him by allowing him sleep for 3 hours and then he won't go down to bed?
Have you spoken to them about that?
Very hard.

Yea of course I have.

"Don't waken a sleeping baby".

I would be investigating finding a better nursery, they sound a little like they are more interested in what is easier for them rather than what works best for each child.

Also, they should say up front what days the nursery is closed, rather than decide based on how many children might attend.

Unfortunately all full and I can't afford much else.

Why am I taking on a battle I shouldn't have to
..

My concern is more about my mum

I've said to my mum I can't cope and I find it so hard. She just kinda ignores me. No words of advice.
Has done my whole life.

Your mum won't change. Best to realise this and not expect anything, as expecting her to be the helpful grandmother that you would like is just going to be ultimately soul destroying.

In practical terms, try contacting your health visitor? They may be able to offer practical local suggestions.

I'd also suggest trying to get out of the house as much as you can. Fresh air and exercise will hopefully tire your DS out, and things always feel better when you are not hemmed in.

She isn't going to change, I would not waste any mental energy wondering why. It is something in her upbringing, her life, that has made her this way. That's all it is.

Is she of any practical help if you ask her for specific things, like evening babysitting or taking DS for a morning/afternoon on a weekend?

I would move him to a different nursery for a start. A 3 hour nap is ridiculous and absolutely will be impacting his sleep at home. They should stop at your request as this isn’t the norm for a child of this age. Can you move him or consider a child minder? A supportive nursery will make a big difference as will your dc not waking up at night. My second and third child didn’t sleep through until 2.5 years and it was absolute hell so I can sympathise.

in regards to your mum, take your focus away from her. She sounds very emotionally unavailable and will only upset you further regarding the situation so best to try and find a fix yourself.

If your mum's been like that your whole life, she won't change now I'm afraid.

And hoping she might will just cause you more stress.

It all sounds very hard OP.

I don't know your mum, so maybe she's not been a good mum or something but if she's always been a good mum, could it be that she also found being a parent hard but she's worried if she empathises with you, she will upset you and make you think she regrets you or you ruined her life or something when that's not the case, she loves you but just found being a parent hard?

I can't move got various reasons.

And apparently they all do it. And apparently it's because they are just so busy at nursery and get so tired

It's just everything. It's like a blank wall. She obviously won't change but she's also the only help I have ATM

She doesn’t want to help that’s why she won’t engage with you about it. She doesn’t want to baby sit or anything.

OP I'm so sorry. The stress you are under is clear. Disturbed sleep is torture. You are doing amazingly to be holding this all together as well as you are.

Mothers are complicated. Do you feel confident to tell her exactly how you feel? It might not change anything, she might drop contact, would that be any different to the support you get from her now?

On work, is there any chance of compressing hours to have one day off a week or in 10? Just to get sleep on the day, keep baby in nursery.

Have you asked your mum for advice or practical support? Some people can get very defensive when they receive unsolicited advice. Given your comments here, I could see why someone may be on egg shells around you not wanting to say the wrong thing. You're defensive and angry, that can be really intimidating to some people in face to face situations.