I'm finding parenting tough and mum ignores me

[BeUmberViper]

I find parenting tough. Since he was born I have had anxiety and woke up thinking he would be a sids baby etc.

Going back to work eased it but now it's the constant no no no for everything..he's 2.5 and wants to get his own way. Sometimes it's ok but sometimes my stress peaks.

I've said to my mum I can't cope and I find it so hard. She just kinda ignores me. No words of advice.

Has done my whole life.

What do I do now?

I've contacted home start (32 on their referral), I don't have any mum friends since we only have weekends free and everyone gets busy etc.

I find the wake up due to him crying through the night and morning to be really jarring. It's 24/7. I'm either working or looking after him.

I don't have time for myself, can't work less, don't have enough money as it is and really alone.

Any ideas of why she's so cold?

In six months you'll be able to put your child in a school nursery as they'll be aged 3? They won't get naps there! So I would focus on getting through the next six months. In the meantime I would tell the nursery you don't want him napping at all, or only napping for max 1 hour, or whatever, and insist they wake him. Tell them that long naps cause your child distress at night.

Forget about your mum helping. It would be nice if she was supportive but she isn't, and dwelling on it won't change her.

What do you actually want?

• an easier time parenting? Mostly this is age I'm afraid. It WILL improve.
• meetups at the weekend with other parents/friends? Are there any apps locally which encourage making friends, like Peanut? Or can you do hobbies which are child friendly? Park run?
• to resolve your feelings about your mum? More tricky, and a longer term project. Assuming therapy is unaffordable? I'd try to focus on filling your life with people who do value you, and then the lack of a good mother will seem less all-consuming.
• any other goals? Write them down and make a plan to tackle them.

Yes I do.

Nursery should absolutely be capping naps. If he’s awake in the night then of course he’ll sleep three hours if given the chance. Then won’t sleep at night. Rinse, repeat. Get firmer with them that it’s affecting his sleep and behavior, and cap it at say 1.5 hours.

As to your mum, no explanation but I 100% get it. Mine is exactly the same to the point she gets a smug look on her face if I even hint at having a tough time with the kids. It’s really quite disturbing, it’s like she thinks “well I never had any help, neither should you”. And that messed up mentality absolutely baffles me as I could never imagine being like that to my daughter if/when her time comes.

I think you just need to stop expecting any help from her. It’s sad. But if you don’t adjust your expectations to her level then you could end up no contact all together when it reaches boiling point.

Personally I find low contact the sweet spot, and sadly I never feel I can ever complain about anything parenting related that I find challenging. I have to find support elsewhere.

As I've written before, they won't change his napping.

Also he won't be able to go to sept 2027 based of his age. I will then have to find care during the holidays etc, so prob not as good.

He will also most likely not be napping

Well they don't so what do you really expect me to do about it?

I've spoken to them countless times.

Really, what can I do.

Maybe she feels that her child-rearing days are done.

No I can't work compressed because there aren't enough hours in the day.

She knows exactly how I feel.

It's not her responsibility and maybe she feels like if she helps you'll dump on her and she thinks you need to step up and learn to cope with it.

She is completely within her rights to be 'cold' towards you and not wish to help if she wants. She does not need to get an explanation or justification.

This is your baby.

Not having time for yourself is standard and normal. I'm not sure what else you expected.

Sorry to ask again @BeUmberViper , but you haven't really answered. Does your mum ever do any practical support, as in take DS for you. I understand she doesn't respond if you ask for advice or emotional support, but if you said "Mum, can you babysit next Friday evening?" or "Mum, can you take DS for 2 hours on Saturday?" does she blank you then, or does she say no?

It's reasonable to wonder where the other parent is. I assume the child was not conceived by intervention of the Holy Ghost.

She comes over but then I find I'm still parenting because I'm doing food, getting him ready for bed etc... whilst she had endless cigarettes outside

Do you get notified when he starts his nap on an app or anything? Personally I would call them at 1 hour 15 to ask them to wake him up, then call again at 1 hour 30 to check they’ve done it. I’d become such a pain in their ass every single day with daily calls.

If I was feeling extra fruity and had some days off, I’d pop in too when you want the nap stopped to take him to an “appointment” or something.

Your mum doesn't have to help you, and lots of parents don't help out. Many still work or are just plain knackered. I didn't realise how exhausted I'd be at 50. There's no way I could look after a toddler.

Either way, you say she's always been like this. You can't change her, you can only change how you react to her. Therapy is the best place for this.

What input does your partner have?

Regarding nursery, I'd get on the waiting list of any other nursery that you think might be better. I'd also get the current nursery's written policy on sleep/napping and check they are doing what they say they will do. Then follow their complaints procedure if they are not.

To be fair to poster, they are reasonable comments.

Is the father stepping up?

Read the room

Read the room

Not sure what is bold about what @ShetlandishMumasked!!

Well of course you still have to parent your child regardless of who comes to visit.

Therapy? Why do people actually assume the NHS offers this lol

I’m starting to see why your mum is staying away to be honest.

For various reasons, I can't change.

The major one being it's the only one available to me.

Why is that Hun? Because you are trying to shame me?

Maybe actually go and help people instead of being a keyboard warrior

I would move nursery to one that caps the map. The staff are being lazy and want to make their life easier. I had a similar issue with my eldest.

Also look into gentle sleep training if you can, and install a proper bedtime routine.

i googled and this is what i got, perhaos it will help?

How Nap Length and Sleep Are Inspected:

• Individual Routines: Nurseries are required by the Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS) Statutory Framework to discuss sleep routines with parents and mimic home habits where possible. 1, 2]
• Safe Sleep Standards: Ofsted pays close attention to how children sleep to ensure their welfare. This means verifying that cots are in good condition, babies sleep on their backs on firm flat surfaces, and no hazards are present. 1, 2, 3]
• Frequent Checks: Inspectors will review the nursery's sleep policy to ensure staff are frequently monitoring sleeping children and that adult-to-child ratios are properly maintained while children rest. 1, 2]

If a nursery is forcing your child to nap for a specific amount of time against your wishes, this goes against the EYFS expectation that providers should adapt to the child's developmental stages and home routines. 1]