I'm finding parenting tough and mum ignores me

[BeUmberViper]

I find parenting tough. Since he was born I have had anxiety and woke up thinking he would be a sids baby etc.

Going back to work eased it but now it's the constant no no no for everything..he's 2.5 and wants to get his own way. Sometimes it's ok but sometimes my stress peaks.

I've said to my mum I can't cope and I find it so hard. She just kinda ignores me. No words of advice.

Has done my whole life.

What do I do now?

I've contacted home start (32 on their referral), I don't have any mum friends since we only have weekends free and everyone gets busy etc.

I find the wake up due to him crying through the night and morning to be really jarring. It's 24/7. I'm either working or looking after him.

I don't have time for myself, can't work less, don't have enough money as it is and really alone.

Any ideas of why she's so cold?

You have to deal with reality, not expectations though.
Looked at dispassionately, your mum has no part in your domestic arrangements and she has no moral duty to pitch in and help bring up her daughter’s child.
Obviously, many grandparents care for their grandchildren, but it’s still not on to view this as a responsibility all grandparents must assume. They’ve already done their part, and anything beyond that is a bonus.

Your mum doesn't offer any emotional support because, for some reason, she's either incapable of offering it or she's incapable of recognising that you need it, or both. Learning the exact reasons why probably won't help, and you can't change another person's behaviour anyway. All you can do is change your expectations of them to suit.

You could try being very clear what you want from her and seeing if she is capable of recognising what you are asking for. So you could say to her that you notice that she doesn't respond to you at all when you want to talk about how you're feeling, and is she aware that she blanks you when you discuss feelings.

You could try being very specific, so saying something like Mum, I want to have a chat about how I'm finding parenting hard and I would love it if you could tell me what worked for you when you were parenting me, or similar. A very specific request, rather than a general chat about feelings.

There's no need to be a snappy twat to people tying to help you. Your baby was YOUR choice, no one else's, its not our fault you took more than you can cope with. Maybe try taking some responsibility for your situation rather than blaming everyone else.

If there is another parent man or woman.

They should be stepping up unfortunately if you decided to go it alone well you’re going it alone it’s just harder than you expected.

Decided to do it alone? Another bold comment and really detracting from the point of the thread, don't you think.

Read the room

You are being snappy.

I don't see why I have to explain why my husband hung himself in the hallway before out child's first scan.

Do you.

@BeUmberViper I would just ignore the posts that aren't helpful otherwise you'll derail your own thread as a PP has said.

Kindly, there was absolutely no way of anyone reading that particular room.

Rightly or wrongly most assume there’s either a dad involved, or that he should be. People don’t leap to that horrendous conclusion.

In terms of your mum - I’ve got one the same. At the end of the day it’s not her job to help me with my son, as much as I’d appreciate the help. He’s mine to take care of, so I have to do that or find alternatives that work for us.

Shit maybe, but those are the facts.

I'm asking why a parent doesn't offer any emotional support.

Oh stop being daft now.

How on earth are we going to know the answer to that considering we've never met your mum and you obviously have?

If you weren't so spiky people would feel easier about chatting to you.

No one said you did, but its none of our fault, is it? You need to seriously adjust your attitude if you want peoples support both here and in real life.

😂😂

You should act a certain way because you’ve brought a child into the world. Your victim mentality isn’t doing anyone any good especially yourself.

If your post was about one thing, why go into multiple different things? If it was truly based solely on your mum, there would be no other parts involved.

To be perfectly honest, it certainly sound like your Mums keeping a distance because of how your acting. You can’t even be civil to strangers on the internet trying to help you with things you’ve asked, that suggests you’re not a very rational person all round. Seeks advice, spits fire at advice….. you see how that looks? Or well probably not cos you’re too fired up to see it.

Are his family still about to help?

Your mother clearly won’t and hoping or expecting her to change isn’t going to happen so you need to forget that route.

Hi, are you a single parent with no support from the baby’s other parent? I think that’s what people are trying to find out so that can give you advice.

Sorry. Just saw your post

The OP's obsession with a mythical "room" isn't helping. Why is her mum the only person she expects help from? Where are all the male relatives? If the OP's mother brought her up as a single person she maybe feels she's done that and deserves a break. The OP sounds poorly supported but pushing her mother away by trying to make her take on more responsibility than she wants to won't help anything.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. It was still a fair question though.

Are his family still in your life? If it was my sister in law I'd be there in a heartbeat to help her.

I think most mums with healthy relationships with their adult children would be there emotionally and practically for them if they lost their partner when pregnant and were now a single parent to a small child. It is a real shame and disappointment that your mum seems not be able to be there for you @BeUmberViper

It was obvious there was a reason OP wasn’t disclosing about the father. You lot are like a dog with a bone, and do need to learn to read the room.

The mother of all drip feeds
oh and give the room thing a rest

I am sorry to hear that. It's horrendous. How was your mum when you were growing up?

I am a single parent to a non sleeper so I get you must be exhausted, but honestly you can’t force your mum to change, you may not be able to understand why she is the way she is, but you also cannot change it.

I think you need to just realise she won’t help and just get on with things and dealing with how hard you are finding it without factoring your mum into things. Speak to the nursery, or change the nursery if they don’t listen. It’s crazy they are managing to get children that age to sleep for 3 hours, you won’t be the only parent who doesn’t want that happening.

I never understand this unless the grandparents floated through parenting when it was their turn. Maybe they did due to the ‘village’ which doesn’t exist now for parents. If they didn’t float though, as I suspect so many didn’t, why wouldn’t they now step-in to help when they know from experience how difficult parenting can be, especially without support. How could a mum not support her desperate daughter even if ‘she’s had her time’?

Parenting isn’t easy and I will be telling my children when adults exactly what it is like so they can make informed decisions whether or not it is for them. I will also be telling them, because I know it’s not easy, that I will be there to help whenever they need me. My children will always be my priority, my relationship with grandchildren comes second.

@BeUmberViper I’m sorry OP that you have no support especially being let down by your mother. But it’s unlikely to change so try to stop thinking about it as anger on top of what you have to manage will not improve your situation, it will just make you desperately sad.

So you think parenting stops at 18.

That's your choice

I'm not angry?

Again, I'm asking why she's like that

You can’t change your mum, you can only change your own situation. This may sound simplistic and I’m sure you’ll tell me you can’t to all of the following but this is what I’d try to do in your shoes:

1. ask for a meeting with the nursery ASAP. Discuss how difficult he is on a night because he’s having such a long nap at nursery and how negatively this is impacting your work and life. Request they reduce the nap quite drastically.

2. look at finding a more flexible job. Easier said than done in the current market I know but one where you have to work Xmas Eve when you have a small child you should be spending it with isn’t the best… Especially when you’re reliant on paid childcare and you’re upset they close the nursery to spend the special day with their families!

3. know it will get easier in time. 2 is a notoriously difficult age, just think in 1.5 years he’ll be in school full time and you’ll only have to worry about wraparound care. The sleep issues are very, very short term for the vast majority of kids too.

Your mum is a bit of a side quest, she’s never been supportive historically so I don’t think she’ll alter sadly. You can only control your own life.