AIBU to expect proper condom disposal and not being left inside me?

[Slv199]

I was with my exH for over 20 years and I’ve not had many sexual partners. I’m not sure about “condom etiquette” and it’s something not talked about.

My exH would always take the condom off and throw it in the bathroom bin. This is what I expect.

I’ve found my new partner just leaves it in the bed, which is gross and I worry my kids might find them. On other occasions I’ve found them inside me the next time I’ve gone to the loo. Which obviously leaves me worried I might get pregnant.

As I don’t have much experience I wondered what others think. AIBU to expect him to put the condom in the bin? Or at least tell me where he left it and definitely not leave it inside me!

We either fall asleep, or he talks whilst I doze or we have a cup of tea. We’ll have sex again later.

I think you are pretty naive. You don't have to have dating experience to know that a condom should not be left inside you. As an adult woman, you are responsible for your own sexual health. It's very odd that neither your partner nor you realised that there is a missing condom, not once but twice. Surely after the first incident, you could have double checked that it is indeed out. Watch a youtube video and perhaps educate yourself on this topic.
As someone else pointed out you seem to think there are only two options- crap men or thinking you are worthless and alone. You seem angry at those who are sharing their dating experiences, whereas in reality most of us have been with selfish, insensitive men as we have with loving, caring ones. But this odd belief of ignorance and tolerating someone else's idiotic behaviour is not helpful. Dating is difficult to navigate but start with having some more respect for yourself.

Thank you. You are 💯% right.

This man is disregarding your wellbeing and displaying lack of hygiene and poor manners to put it mildly. I suggest a chat about this. If he is at all defensive or rude, you will need to rethink this connection.

I guess she won't be leaving him, then...😆 * *

He left it inside you? That’s absolutely grim and surely it should be a tight enough fit on him that it doesn’t just slip off?!?

I’d expect it to get put in the bin, either straight away or wrapped in some tissue to drop in when we next get out of bed. I would not want it just laying around

What the fuck dude

No no no no, it’s not you, it’s him. It’s definitely him. This is weird antisocial behaviour in this extreme from him. He is the one with it on his penis he should be keeping track of it and taking it off when finished.

Not noticing it just means you haven’t felt it. Him not taking it off means he is many shades of wrong.

There are other men, but I’ve read some of the thread now and seen some of your replies. Even if you think you can’t attract some men, remember there are scummy men everywhere who will try to use this against women and be basically abusive because they think they can get away with it because their partner is desperate. It’s completely unacceptable.

Sadly when I’ve seen people settle for men that are obviously mistreating them as they feel they can’t do any better I think they would obviously be far better off single without these scumbags dragging them down.

It may not feel it but I’m sure that you can do better than this. There are also men who are not at the super attractive end of the scale but yet are not abusive and nasty like this. I think in time you can find someone nicer, but if you don’t and there are only scum please please leave them too, you deserve better than this.

No, of course you're absolutely not being unreasonable to expect any / all of those things and I'm sorry that they've happened to you.

From a male perspective, it is possible that it came off during the deed without him realising, especially if his penis was wet / lubricated before he put the condom on. I have had that happen to me, but I'm also distinctly average in size and it sounds like he might not be.

However, he would / should have noticed immediately after withdrawing (at the absolute latest) and that's when he should have drawn it to your attention if that was the case.

It's possible that whilst he had it on for the duration of the act and whilst withdrawing from you, he effectively withdrew himself from the condom, whilst you kept hold of it (for want of a better description). This happened to me after my second sexual experience a VERY long time ago, and meant I swiftly learned to put my fingers around the base of the condom whilst withdrawing.

So, whilst it is possible that any / all of these could be entirely innocent, it is also possible that they're not.

Sorry and I hope that any and all tests turn out to be negative and that you're able to process this experience without difficulty and treat yourself with more kindness than some of your fellow Mumsnetters have.

Better to be old, fat and ugly surrounded by cats and purple outfits over old, fat, ugly, full of STDs and exhausted from a newborn baby

He's grim. Of course he takes it off, puts it in the bathroom bin (in the wrapper) and cleans himself up before coming back to bed. What the hell leaving in it the bed is gross, just leaving it inside you is just irresponsible. How is it coming off inside you anyway, is he a little small in that area and he's wearing a size too big? I have never in my 20 odd years of having sex and using condoms for probably half of that time had one come off inside me, not once!

I'd throw him back.

What the hell have I just read?
Leaves them inside of you 😳 eurgh, get rid of him.

if a condom is "left inside "you thats a condom failure and you have had unprotected sex and risk pregnancy.
Condom in the bed, is not the way to dispose of used condoms.
He sounds like an absolute pig....

Could he be doubling up?

This without a shadow of doubt. I have never ever ever been with a man who did this please tell me you have broken up with him. This is just gross.

Bloody hell, that is absolutely not normal behaviour. Unless he just arrived from outer space, how in god’s name does he not know how to dispose of a condom after sex?! I mean, giving him slight benefit of the doubt- might this be the first time he’s actually used condoms? Either way, you definitely need to be having a swift word OP. I would not be considering sleeping with this man again until he sorts this out! 🤢

Ewww sorry he is gross. If I found a condom inside of me I would go apeshit.

Ewwww. The very definition of using you.

You can’t be that desperate. Throw this one back.

Shouldn’t happen once OP, let alone twice.

He has no respect for you. You can do better!

Right, so at least HALF of the time he has left the condom inside - and has nothing to say for himself but 😬. WTF...

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Condoms can come off, if sex is vigorous or he's going soft and doesn't pull out before that happens. However, if the condom is coming off, and it's ended up inside you OP, or in the bed, then the contents aren't staying inside the condom! Most men would be freaked out, if there was a chance that you could be pregnant. I'm assuming he knows you have the coil fitted? Your partner never mentioned the condom coming off to you, and hasn't freaked out at potential pregnancy.

I would be concerned that he's deliberately allowing the condom to come off, during sex, in the hope you fall pregnant. Most men would make sure they remove themselves from inside their partner, and the condom comes with them!!

Most definitely check for STI's and pregnancy. Don't see him again, preferably block him!

some people are being pretty awful on here. Standard MN I’m afraid.

sorry you’ve gone through this. How horrible! Agree with posters suggesting checks. some men are just really gross.

I hope he’s not stealthing and is just gross! Horrible either way though for you.

OP, please don’t be so naive. Not everyone on there will be genuine.

For example, MN is a parenting site, in the main. There’s still plenty of predatory men on here as well. Trust me!