AIBU to cancel staying with in-laws when life feels too much?

[ThisSparklySwan]

I have 2 children - 22 months & 3 months. We moved house late last year and have been managing renovating and redecorating etc alongside pregnancy and 2 under 2. DH helps where he can but works long hours, overall I'm feeling like I'm doing ok managing everything at the moment.

However, there is one topic that is a recurring issue between DH and I - his parents.
Historically we always got along well with them, however I had HG during both pregnancies and there was a fairly big breakdown in communication during my first pregnancy with them not understanding why I couldn't yet be excited, pushing us to purchase baby equipment before we felt ready etc.

DH struggles to communicate openly with them, they're a family of 'brushing it all under the carpet' and there are very few honest conversations, which I can find gets very complicated. His view is I should be the one communicating with them in respect of plans to see them/them seeing the grandchildren. I think this is possibly just so he can avoid dealing with the difficult issues and logistics.

Cut to this month. I am taking both DC to stay with my parents for 3 nights without DH. It'ssomething we had planned in for a couple of months. DMIL heard about this and says she'd love for me & DC to stay with them also. I don't have any issue with this necessarily and we have pencilled in for end of this month, but being away from home for 8 days in 1 month whilst also trying to arrange decorating quotes, run the household, and parent 2 under 2 is feeling like a huge burden to me all of a sudden. Trying to cancel and explain this to DMIL without causing a 'brush under the carpet' upset feels too big for me right now, but I also feel under huge pressure and to be honest, I just don't want to go and spend 4 days with them at the moment. I know it will all be fine once I'm there but the logistics and catching up/being away from home is stressing me out.

I'm not really sure what my question is or what answers I'm hoping for, but perhaps an outsiders view on things? AIBU? Is it ok to say yes to one set of grandparents and not the other? Is it selfish to say I don't want to go, meaning they miss out on that opportunity with their grandchildren?

Just tell them that you'll do it at a later date when you're not quite so busy. If they get funny about it well tough shit. I wouldn't want to do it with babies that young pretty much straight after doing it at your mom's. Surely they can just let you do it a couple of months later?

They are grown adults, not your children, you don’t have to treat them exactly fairly and make sure they both get exactly the same. You could just change when you stay with MIL to next month and tune out any upset.

If you do move it, give them a new date? Then you’re “rearranging” instead of cancelling?

Would you be going with your DH? If not, then I absolutely wouldn't go. He can take the kids when he has time (or just take the 2 year old).

No way would I stay at in laws without DH.

Tough if you only cancel one and not the other.
I used to take my kids to stay at the in-laws and whilst it was tough in some respects it really did help their relationships. (My inlaws are hands off and live hours away. But they tried their best to help me when I was there alone. Much more than they do when I go with husband.)

Just style it out. You can inform them early ir wait till you are nearly there and just say “I overbooked us. The kids need to be home. Lets reschedule.” And you should also have your dh take them to his parents house. No reason for you to do it. He can be primary parent for four days.

People are more important than decorating quotes and 'running the household'

Your DH expects you to arrange visits to HIS parents? And your in-laws expect you to visit with the kids without him? And you agreed??
This is mad. Tell the in-laws you can't make it this time and you'll rearrange when DH can come. And then tell him to arrange it.

You can just tell her and not worry too much about whether she can cope with it like a grown up. That's on her really.

However, if you think the trip will be good, if it's really about being overwhelmed by everything, not a reluctance to visit MiL, you can also just slow down everything else to give yourself the space to enjoy the trip.

For the future, though, it's absolutely fine for you to point out to DH and his MiL, (though perhaps with more tactful wording) that - No, you going to his mum's, especially without him, is absolutely nothing like you going to your mums. You aren't just a child delivery person facilitating grandparent relationships. You have your own relationship with your mum that is special and irreplaceable and important to you. And that is a major part of your visit to see her. So you will not be doing tit for tat visits. He will need to put in some effort if he wants his children to have the same relationship with his parents.

I think your feeling that your DH is trying to dump his difficult relationship with his parents on you is likely valid. It does sound exactly like that. Can't imagine him giving it headspace if the situation were reversed. The question is how do you want your relationship with MiL to be? Because it sounds a little like you are concerned about the fall out if it's left up to him, and if you do leave it up to him you're going to have to let that issue go and just accept it. While you don't have to do it, you can't insist he does it your way. You may not be okay with that.

I think you’d be very unfair to change the dates for staying with your in-laws. If it’s too much to spend time with them, why isn’t it too much to be with your mother for three nights? These are opportunities for your DC to develop relationships with their GP. Are you being selective?
You seem to be searching for something wrong with your in-laws such as the way they were with you when you were pregnant.

Of course it's totally different to spend time with your own mother than with someone else's, even if it's your DH's.

At which point do parents become less important than their children when GP/GC relationships are being developed?
OP isn’t just spending time with her mother. She’s taking the DC to GM.

That’s ridiculous. Most of us find it easier to stay with our own parents…

I think reasonable to cancel but I’d honestly be pushing for my DH to take them. His parents, why do you have to do the visit?!

Yes, you should be able, just as much as DH, to speak about your plans with your children and visits to MIL.

Be honest. Postpone the visit to MIL. Explain that the visit to your folks will be an experiment and you need to see how you all cope. If it goes well you stilll need more time before holidaying again - to reconnect with DH and have appointments, vaccinations, parties etc.
You can refer to your calendar without giving details about it.

Take charge of your own program. Consider youself and DH and kids foremost.
MIL will understand. She will also accept a day visit, meeting in the middle for catch ups or a one night stay.
Never forget that your PIL adore their grandchildren just as much as your parents do. The children love both sets of grandparents too.

Because her in-laws aren't her parents? Can't you see how one set of older people isn't interchangeable with another?

Her husband can do that, with or without OP. It's not her job.

Well you sound happy @Happyhappyday. Not. This is about children who need GP. Do you treat your children fairly? Why should GP be treated differently? Why is there an excuse with in-laws but not parents?

I hope all the posters who are contradicting me are pausing to consider their views. One day you might be in MiL’s shoes.

If it's anything like my MIL, it's the children she wants time with, not you particularly. Can DH take them for a night so you can have a rest? She would probably love that.
If you go, just make it one night, with DH. You don't owe her anything.

Yeah. I think it’s seriously unfair to favour one set of GP’s over another.

But splitting out the visits is fine, very unsettling for the kids to have two visits so close together.

Sod that. You are visiting your parents who have known you your whole life, who presumably you feel at ease with, who will help with the kids and let you relax a little.

His parents, his responsibility/problem.

Your husband sounds really selfish. Why is it your responsibility to arrange visits with his family?

However, I think it would be really unfair to cancel now when they are presumably looking forward to the visit. You should have arranged it for a time you were happy with in the first place. Or said their son would visit instead/with you at a later date. The issue is changing the goal posts.

Fine to cancel if you don't fancy it. But you shouldn't have offered in the first place if you knew you didn't want to go so you will need to do an alternative date. When you get older and more experienced as a parent you learn just to say no to things you don't want to do and not to feel guilty at putting your own feelings first. The kids will surely see ILs when DH takes them.

Agree with this. Go see them another time, you'll inevitably feel more comfortable and relaxed with your own parents who you've known all your life, and if you always have to match every visit to your own parents, with a visit to the in laws, you'll be exhausted x

Their agenda couldn’t be more obvious (or childish). Competitive grandparenting at its finest!
I’d guess that they’re not inviting you out but the goodness of their heart or any true affection, it’s because they want what your Mum’s getting otherwise they don’t feel as important (which is unacceptable in these types of families).
I absolutely wouldn’t go, it’s too much time away from home and you should be able to see your own Mum without having to pander to your MIL’s ego.
You will need yo develop extremely firm boundaries to deal with them going forward.