AIBU to cancel staying with in-laws when life feels too much?

[ThisSparklySwan]

I have 2 children - 22 months & 3 months. We moved house late last year and have been managing renovating and redecorating etc alongside pregnancy and 2 under 2. DH helps where he can but works long hours, overall I'm feeling like I'm doing ok managing everything at the moment.

However, there is one topic that is a recurring issue between DH and I - his parents.
Historically we always got along well with them, however I had HG during both pregnancies and there was a fairly big breakdown in communication during my first pregnancy with them not understanding why I couldn't yet be excited, pushing us to purchase baby equipment before we felt ready etc.

DH struggles to communicate openly with them, they're a family of 'brushing it all under the carpet' and there are very few honest conversations, which I can find gets very complicated. His view is I should be the one communicating with them in respect of plans to see them/them seeing the grandchildren. I think this is possibly just so he can avoid dealing with the difficult issues and logistics.

Cut to this month. I am taking both DC to stay with my parents for 3 nights without DH. It'ssomething we had planned in for a couple of months. DMIL heard about this and says she'd love for me & DC to stay with them also. I don't have any issue with this necessarily and we have pencilled in for end of this month, but being away from home for 8 days in 1 month whilst also trying to arrange decorating quotes, run the household, and parent 2 under 2 is feeling like a huge burden to me all of a sudden. Trying to cancel and explain this to DMIL without causing a 'brush under the carpet' upset feels too big for me right now, but I also feel under huge pressure and to be honest, I just don't want to go and spend 4 days with them at the moment. I know it will all be fine once I'm there but the logistics and catching up/being away from home is stressing me out.

I'm not really sure what my question is or what answers I'm hoping for, but perhaps an outsiders view on things? AIBU? Is it ok to say yes to one set of grandparents and not the other? Is it selfish to say I don't want to go, meaning they miss out on that opportunity with their grandchildren?

No to that from me.

You are visiting your parents. Your DH can visit his taking the DC. Spending a weekend with people i m only related to by marriage is not my idea of fun.

Tell DH he can take the kids to see his parents and you can have a weekend "off" so you can relax.

What is DH doing that's so important that he can't visit his own mother and father?

Is your DH going to stay with them too? If you are going to stay with your parents alone then suggest he takes the children to stay with his parents alone, giving you chance for a rest.

You have a huge amount going on. Of course it is OK to delay the visit.

Tell them you aren't sleeping, the pregnancy is proving difficult,and you'll bring the dcs to visit when you get past the exhausted phase.

As PP said, your DH can take them.

Having already arranged it, I would go this time. If you are not at home you won't have a household to run and DH will have to manage anything at the house.
I think your MIL would be very upset at this stage as a date has been set. Use both opportunities as a chance to relax a bit and let both sets of parents spend lots of "quality" time with the children.
Going forward make DH very aware that he is doing the organising where his parents are concerned, not you.

Postpone it a month and reduce the stay to one or two nights. You don't have to match like for like and do it immediately.

For it to be exactly the same then she would take the kids to see her parents and her DH would be doing the grunt work of getting the kids to his parents. It's absolutely not on to expect one woman to do everything for everyone as that is what is "fair". Fair for who exactly??? Her personal relationship with her own parents is inconsequential now because she is a mother and a wife? She is there to please everyone equally and smile as she does so?
For what it's worth my DH makes the plans to visit his family and I do mine, because I'm not the extended family's servant.

Where are these GPs? Nearby or motorway distance?

I agree! OP's in-laws are being competitive and childish. I assume that OP's DH was the one who told his parents that OP was going to her parents for a few days which would be even more annoying as he has now out-sourced his difficult relationship with his parents to OP as he now expects OP to be the one communicating and dealing with his own parents.

OP should either cancel or re-arrange and her DH should deal with any fall-out. It sounds as though he didn't protect her from his unreasonable parents when she was very ill with HG during both her pregnancies.

I would go. Staying with my in-laws when kids were young really helped the bond between them and the kids and me and them. Actually life changing in the marriage. They are almost always Team Pussygalore if there are issues. Charm the pants off them now , and a new baby sitting option opens up to you.

Totally agree @Pussygaloregalapagos

I think you're being unfair to cancel entirely. I'd either drop them off for 1 night and go home; or I'd cut the visit down to 2 nights (arriving evening on night 1 and departing morning of night 2).

Although your DH should really arrange to do this kind of thing with his DM, but once again the wife is expected to facilitate all relationships on behalf of her DH.

I think your husband needs to take the time off work and come with you or rearrange so that they come to you instead. Or take the two year old to see his parents on his own so you can have a break It is completely unfair that you are now responsible for maintaining relationships with his family. Would he take the children to stay with your parents without you?

Surely a good time to stay away at in-laws is when the decorators are in?

It sounds like either the PIL do not have a ‘brush things under the carpet’ approach, or you take their reaction to heart.

Just tell MIL you’ll need to reschedule your visit to another time. If she’s upset then this isn’t a character that brushes things under the carpet. Someone who did would respond ‘ok, when works for you?’. Seen as they play down your reaction & emotions, just respond with - oh don’t worry, there will be another time. Archive her chat, put her number on DND and reply slowly. I wouldn’t let your emotions be dictated by other people’s response to situations.

His view is I should be the one communicating with them in respect of plans to see them/them seeing the grandchildren

Your DH is allowed to have this view, but you're allowed to tell him he's being ridiculous, they are his parents, and it's his job to coordinate with them. And then step right back!

If you leave it to your DH, you have no control. And if he’s like my DH (completely relaxed / cba with detail), you’ll get issues with them turning up but you not knowing they’re coming, or you agree that they come to stay for weekend and they arrive on Thursday night when your husband is working on Friday and you have to cancel your chilled Friday plans.

IME you don’t have to stay with them, just because you stayed at your parents. But put something regular in the diary that you’re comfortable with, so the resentment doesn’t build.

This!

Honestly this expectation is totally bizarre. Everyone takes responsibility for their own parents. If my husband didn’t arrange presents and visits with his parents then we wouldn’t see them, simple as that. And if PiL are upset by that, it’s his responsibility to manage.

I have no idea why women accept these duties just because they’re women. You don’t see many men taking on the responsibility for maintaining contact with their wife’s parents.

The fact that one day you may be a MIL is the very reason it is imperative to drop this rope now and let DH make all arrangements with and tend to the relationship with his own parents. Your children are watching and learning from this and anyone who wants sons to visit them and consider them once they have grown to be an adult needs to model it being their dad’s responsibility with his own parents now. Rather than dumping it all on OP and then what - hoping your son’s wife does it all too? Why?

You’ve committed to going and understandably your in-laws will be very disappointed if you cancel, and that’s fair enough (it’s worth thinking about how you would feel in their position). I’m a big believer in doing what you say you’re going to do and not being flaky so I would still go, find some ways to make the rest of your month more relaxed to compensate and next time think before you commit so you don’t end up letting someone down. Alternatively your husband takes them on his own like others have said, that might be a bigger treat for your in-laws if you don’t have the best relationship with them, but maybe you don’t want to be apart, in which case you’ll have to stick to your plan A, or risk upsetting your family.

His view may well be that you are the one to do the comms with his family. But your view is that it should be him.
So there's that.
Don't be bullied into doing things you dont want to do. Tell MIL that you are not able to come now and DH will be in touch with a new date.
It is not your job to facilitate this relationship. It is his

OP, I’d be hesitant to visit my in-laws with a three month old baby if DH were going as well: without him, it would be a very hard no. Of course you want to stay with your own DM - I’d just like to know whether all the PPs telling you that it’s your duty to go to your in-laws would be so eager to go to their own MIL with a young baby. It is very different being at your in-laws from being at “home” with your own family. Under the circumstances, having agreed to go, I’d put the visit back a couple of weeks, but your DH needs to man up - it’s not for you to have to deal with HIS parents.

DH can take them for 4 days. Problem solved.

Btw, his attitude towards communicating with his own parents is downright odd. I’d ask him if he’s a bit confused. Does he think you’re his PA or something?

Your DH's "view" is that you should deal with anything that's awkward with HIS parents, so he doesn't have to? Yeah, time for you to take a different view.

Let him arrange the visits, and do them. He can take the kids to them while you get some alone time or see a friend or whatever. Don't put up with this until the kids are big enough to be going off visiting people by themselves.