AIBU to cancel staying with in-laws when life feels too much?

[ThisSparklySwan]

I have 2 children - 22 months & 3 months. We moved house late last year and have been managing renovating and redecorating etc alongside pregnancy and 2 under 2. DH helps where he can but works long hours, overall I'm feeling like I'm doing ok managing everything at the moment.

However, there is one topic that is a recurring issue between DH and I - his parents.
Historically we always got along well with them, however I had HG during both pregnancies and there was a fairly big breakdown in communication during my first pregnancy with them not understanding why I couldn't yet be excited, pushing us to purchase baby equipment before we felt ready etc.

DH struggles to communicate openly with them, they're a family of 'brushing it all under the carpet' and there are very few honest conversations, which I can find gets very complicated. His view is I should be the one communicating with them in respect of plans to see them/them seeing the grandchildren. I think this is possibly just so he can avoid dealing with the difficult issues and logistics.

Cut to this month. I am taking both DC to stay with my parents for 3 nights without DH. It'ssomething we had planned in for a couple of months. DMIL heard about this and says she'd love for me & DC to stay with them also. I don't have any issue with this necessarily and we have pencilled in for end of this month, but being away from home for 8 days in 1 month whilst also trying to arrange decorating quotes, run the household, and parent 2 under 2 is feeling like a huge burden to me all of a sudden. Trying to cancel and explain this to DMIL without causing a 'brush under the carpet' upset feels too big for me right now, but I also feel under huge pressure and to be honest, I just don't want to go and spend 4 days with them at the moment. I know it will all be fine once I'm there but the logistics and catching up/being away from home is stressing me out.

I'm not really sure what my question is or what answers I'm hoping for, but perhaps an outsiders view on things? AIBU? Is it ok to say yes to one set of grandparents and not the other? Is it selfish to say I don't want to go, meaning they miss out on that opportunity with their grandchildren?

I'm not worried, I have a great relationship with my son, thanks

While you are at your mums DH is getting 3 days and nights to himself after work (could be all day if he takes annual leave)

So maybe he should take the children to HIS parents to give you a couple of days to yourself.

I’d go to your mums. Enjoy the rest and seeing your mum then message your MIL and say it was just too much being away from home with such young children right now. That now you’ve done it once you can see you need to wait a little while to do it again

Well Rose, can’t you extend this great relationship to your (current/potential) DiL for mutual benefit? And there’s no need to thank me.

They are your parents. Get your DH to take the kids to his parents.

Just say no sorry it doesn't suit we will go when DH is able.

And keep saying it...

I would simply say I would not be able to come this time as I have too much on
I get on very well with my PILs but mo way would I stay with them without my DH
Also no idea why you go along with your DH’ expectation that you will make all the arrangements with them
I would stop that immediately

So when does your DH visit his parents? Your DH has such an old fashioned view of your role in the household. Stop letting everything fall to you. He can take the kids to his parents if it’s that much of a deal.

DH taking the kids to stay with them is the equivalent. Decline it now and don’t feel bad at all. You’re not here to facilitate their desires. If it’s too much it’s too much. Look after yourself.

You could leave the plans as they are for now and see how you feel closer to the time? If you feel you need to rearrange when you're a few days away from the in-laws visit, just tell them you're poorly and rearrange the date at that point? Nobody wants a house guest with norovirus...

It's not ideal and frustrating that you can't just be honest, but you're not going to be able to change their families' communication issues and I think you have to be selfish and do what's best for you and your children, especially when they're so young.

Decline it and stop being the go between, that's your husband's job.

Unless your DH is working at saving the world, his avoidance of dealing with this stuff would really annoy me.

I would decline and explain that there’s too much going on, which you need to organise as their dear son won’t.

From here on, tell your DH to organise the time with his parents. I get there is some trauma, or at least repressed communication going on there, but he is an adult, with his own dc, and he needs to get over himself.

Don’t feel guilty about it either. Your in-laws are also adults, they can talk with their son if they are unhappy.

Would your parents in law coming to visit you and help? Stay in a local hotel, take out the children (maybe just the two year old). Then you're not having to travel to them, you get a break and they see the children. On the understanding you're not catering for them at home.

“Maybe next time” tell DH you’ll arrange something in the next year or maybe six months, if you get around to it. MIL is being childish, you are entitled to go see your mam without including your MIL.
She could offer to help instead of playing tug a war.

No, it's about OP, her DH, their DC and his parents.
The 3 month and 22 month old don't need their GP. The OP is being very conscious of trying to do things fairly and ensure they have time with their GC but the onus to do this shouldn't all be on her, with her DH able to opt out and to the detriment of OP's energy and capacity.
The PP who commented that the OP is not a child delivery system is spot on.
Multiple 4 night away trips in a month with a 3 month old (and toddler) is a lot.
Postponing and calling the trip to OP's parents an experiment is a good shout.
If it goes well, OP could plan a trip to the IL's the following month - perhaps a night or 2 before DH comes and joins them there so it's not all on her.

Great post

His view is I should be the one communicating with them in respect of plans to see them/them seeing the grandchildren

Don't take on all the IL arrangements/birthday cards/presents/visits. I did this for several years, then thought why the heck am I doing this!? Not my parents! I went on strike!

Your OH must step up and support you in rearranging the visit.

ir wait till you are nearly there and just say “I overbooked us. The kids need to be home. Lets reschedule.”

Letting them down at the last minute would be cruel @pikkumyy77 They will be looking forward to the visit and will have prepared for it.

Your mistake, OP, was agreeing to this rather than handing over the communication to your DH and planning a visit when you both can go. But having agreed to it, you need to follow through. Cancelling would be unkind and damage your relationship with them, whereas going could potentially being you closer to them.

But in future, when the baby is a little older, it's down to DH to do the visits.

Staying with your own mum ( and in your own family home) is totally different from
staying with in laws .
I can’t believe you have even considered this. It’s not just 2 under 2 - you are barely past the newborn stage.
For what it’s worth - I have never in 14.5 years taken my children to stay with the in laws without DH ( even though we get on well) . DH has done solo visits to his parents and I have done se to my mums . YANBU !

It's up to him to deal with his family in the same way that it's up to you to deal with yours. Would he take the kids to visit your family for a few days without you?

Why would it be up to you to arrange your in law visits? This should be your husband.
And no way on earth would I be visiting my in laws without my husband.
If you're seeing your parents without him, then he can stay at his parents without you.

2 under 2 is so hard, you are doing brilliantly to feel like you are managing okay at this stage - well done!! I have a wonderful relationship with my in-laws and they have a beautiful relationship with my kids, I visited them regularly when I had 2 under 2, but they didn’t see the kids anywhere near the amount of time my parents did. Because I went to see my mum for me - when I needed help/ sleep / a little cry.

So it never felt to me that there was any unevenness, but I also dropped off the older one for 1-1 grandparent time which helped the bond and helped my (still very little) older one get a bit more attention, which I couldn’t always give with two. Whether this works for you depends on distance, but you are doing a really hard job, and don’t need to take on more ´work’ now unless it helps with the burden.

Also, if you or your husband don’t tell you MIL about the visits to your parents, she won’t know there is unevenness. Again, you’re doing brilliantly and well done for being considerate to everyone.

So here's the thing, it is really hard being the mum to the son/husband/father. Trying not to be "that" mother in law, and then when grandchildren arrive having to accept that they will have a different relationship with the grandparents on their mum's side.

I hold my hands up to say my parents saw way more of my boys growing up than ever my mother in law, and yes it is natural because daughters feel closer to their mums. But unless your in laws are awful, please stop for a second and think about how they might feel, I am a new grandmother now, and it's really hard not being as involved or included in my son's life, I am navigating this as best as I can with acceptance and gratitude but sometimes I feel like karma has done it's thing and now I know how my mother in law must have felt over the years.

Id see it as 3 options:

• Message the PIL on a group chat, explain you're overwhelmed and that DH will rearrange the visit at a time that suits them/him
• Go, but make it clear he can no longer outsource his relationship with his parents to you so this will be the last trip you are leading
• See how you feel closer to the time (I wouldn't do this if you feel set on it being too nuch now)

If I were the PIL here and recognised that you were the one arranging all trips instead of my son Id be mortified, and so disappointed in him/myself. It's not on you to try to replicate the relationship you have with your parents, its on him to facilitate and nurture his own relationships. Your DHs avoidance here is unacceptable.

For the sake of your children I wouldn't fall into this type of secretary/PA role and and MIL/PIL who would expect you to isn't acting in good faith, or building a respectful relationship with you.

1. Do not tell PIL plans of visiting your parents in future.

1. Tell DH firmly that he needs to take more responsibility for managing the relationship with his parents and supporting their relationship with the children.

1. If you know it would be fine once you're there I would go this time. Or postpone it for a few weeks.

1. Your mother is a source of help and support in a way that your MIL probably isn't. That's fine. It's best for the children for you to have access to support. You don't need to feel guilty about doing everything the same because it's simply not the same.

Ironic given that you seem to be incapable of putting yourself in OP's shoes. Two under two while trying to get the new house in order - she must be run ragged, I know I would be.

The in laws should be more than capable of understanding why she doesn't want to spend eight days in one month away from home - she only gave birth a few months ago!

If they are so desperate to bond with the kids they could suggest compromises such as booking a hotel nearby for themselves and coming to see the GC in the day. They should not be expecting their daughter in law to do all the work of facilitating the relationship, especially when she has so much else to do.